On Saturday of last week, my best friend and I decided to go to the comedy club in our town. We’ve never been before but he won two tickets from the local radio station and asked if I’d join him. I’m not the biggest fan of stand up, but I said I’d go just for the fun of it.
The event was held in the town hall. There were about 50-60 people there sitting on small round tables. Each table had a plate of sandwiches and soft drinks. It was a great set up. Myself and my friend already had a KFC before going in though so we were too stuffed to eat them.
The first act came on stage, did his performance and when he was finished everyone clapped. Then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and then the 5th. When the 6th came on stage, everyone looked confused. I overheard the guy on the table beside us say “I thought he was banned”. The previous comedian’s jokes were pretty offensive so I was curious to know what this guy must’ve done or said to get him banned so I actually got pretty excited for his performance.
His performance went something like this
“Hello everyone. I was expecting a “welcome back, Barry” but you guys look disappointed. Don’t worry, I’ll have you tearing up by the end of the act.
So the other day, I was in the grocery store and an old lady walked up to me and said “You look familiar” I turned around and said “yeah, I fucked you in your sleep”. She hit me over the head with her bag and called me disgusting. I thought it was hilarious.
That’s not the first time I was hit with a bag. When I was in school, a kid who was a few years older than me hit me with his bag everyday. When I told the teacher she said “Man up”. I wanted to prove how much of a man I was so I pulled out my cock in front of her and said “is this not manly enough for you”. I was expelled.
I don’t know why women get so bitchy when you show them your cock. Like, it’s a cock. Get over it. When I see pussy I don’t complain. Like, I remember this one time, I was talking to a girl on Facebook. She said she had just turned 18 and she was excited to finally be able to go to a gay bar to find herself a girlfriend.” A girlfriend?” I asked. “Yes. I’m a lesbian” she replied. “Bitch” I said. “You need to try some cock before making important decisions like that”. I sent her a picture and said “your profile says you want to be a jockey. How about you give this a ride”. She called me a creep and blocked me. The rudeness”
At this point in his act, people were booing him and shouting at him to get off the stage. My friend and I were some of them. I could see now why he was banned. He was unfunny as fuck and his “jokes” which I actually thought weren’t jokes at all at the time were terrible. He was just a straight up homophobic mysoginistic arsehole. We thought he’d finally finish up his act and leave after being boo’d told to fuck off, but that pissed him off.
“You’re all cunts. The whole lot of you. I’ve seen feminists with a better sense of humour than you bunch of cow shits. Luckily for me though, I did expect it. I hope you guys are enjoying your ham sandwiches. They’re good right? Locally sourced meat. Wanna know where it came from?”
Everyone started looking at the sandwitches. They knew there was something wrong with them now.
“What the fuck did you put in them?” one of the audience members asked
“Good question. I didn’t put anything in them. I did however source the meat that is in them. It tastes different doesn’t it? Wanna know what it is? Okay, I’ll give you a hint. Maria, dear” he said looking at a woman in the front row. “Your boy and a bunch of his friends are having a sleepover at Caroline’s this weekend aren’t they?”
“Yes. How did you know that?”
“Have you heard anything from Caroline or your son at all since yesterday afternoon?”
“No”
“Well. Let’s just say you’ll be giving birth to your son a second time, only this time he’ll be coming out of your ass instead of your pussy”
“W-what?”
She looked at her sandwich, threw up and started crying.
“No, no, no, no, no. YOU MONSTER. I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU”
“That’s the end of my act. Thanks everyone. Goodbye”
The police were called but Barry was nowhere to be found. They’re still looking for him now. Parents are advised to keep all doors locked, have more than one adult at a time in a household and to make their children sleep in their rooms until he’s found and arrested.