My name is Seb and I live in a bachelor apartment by myself. I prefer living by myself because with roommates you never really own anything. I have my dodge charger and a job at the local fish gutting plant.
One weekend morning I decided to visit my friend Brandon. Brandon was like me, with a slightly darker complexion. He lived with his roommate Brandon. The second Brandon was a slow fellow. Often playing games on hsi phone for hundreds of hours.
I opened the door to see them sitting there smoking weed and watching our favourite show, evangelion.
Slow Brandon chugged a beer.
“Get em shingi!” Slow Brandon yelled.
Dark Brandon took a toke.
“Man this show gets better with every viewing! There is so much subtext swirling in my head.” Dark Brandon chortled.
We watched in a trance for what felt like hours. All our favourite characters battling against the allegedly evil angels.
When we got to the part with Asuka getting mind raped I started to wonder about Sarah.
“I thought you said Sarah was coming over dude?” I said after a toke.
“Dude we need to watch the first half of the end of evangelion first dude” Dark Brandon responded.
“Why?” I asked.
“Dude, never watch the first half of the end of evangelion with a woman you care about! They will never look at you the same way again.” He said mournfully.
We finished the show other than messed up last two episodes that aren’t canon and watched the first half of the end of evangelion.
As we watched the plug suit eva eat Asuka Dark Brandon got a dreamy look in his eye.
“You know the plug suit Eva is real dude. If you finish the puzzle he takes a bite out of you they say. If you finish it twice he takes a REAL bite out of you. They say nothing hurts more.” Dark Brandon recited.
“That’s not real!” Slow Brandon Chimed in. “Our technology couldn’t do that!”
“Man, let’s complete the puzzle Dude. The first bites not that bad. Lets watch em all dude.” Dark Brandon responded.
We put on the second half of the end of evangelion and it started to screw with our heads, forming a strange horrifying picture.
“I can’t see it!” Slow Brandon yelled.
“We need more pieces!” Dark Brandon yelled.
After we finished it we started watching the last two non canon episodes of the show. Before long there was a knock at the door.
“Hey Seb!” Sarah waved.
“Hey Sarah. I mean you can stay if you want but we are up to some occultist shit. We are going to get bit by a crazy monster to see how much it hurts.” I said as a warning.
“You and magic shit! Have you taken your meds?” Sarah said scornfully.
I rolled my eyes and we cuddled while we watched the show. I don’t think she’s even seen the end of evangelion, she should be fine.
After our minds were fucked like Asuka’s we put on death and rebirth.
“This is the one that gets you they say. I’ve seen everything else a million times and so have you guys. WE have to make a pact right now to NEVER watch this movie again or we get the real bite.” Dark Brandon Sneered.
Our minds were tormented by images of Shinji’s father, the most despicable man to never live.
Him and his wife in random scenes that were out of order.It was like an entire season of a show into 1 90 minutes mind fuck.
Near the end the movie stopped and plug suit Eva sat on the screen smiling at us all.
“You don’t seem very scary” Slow Brandon said, after spitting out his beer.
I sat there scared for a second, but the Eva didn’t seem to want to do anything.
Then translucent TV screens appeared in front of me and the Brandon’s. There were a bunch of translucent people as well, with the plug suit Eva on their faces. The one that looked like Sarah freaked me out.
“Congratulations!” They all chortled, laughing hysterically.
The plug suit Eva laughed on all 3 screens and lunged forward like translucent snakes, taking a bite out of each of us.
All 3 of us cried out in unison. It hurt about as much as being stabbed with a knife.
The eva laughed “The real bite is 20,000 times worse. And I’m going to get one of you!”
The tv’s disappeared and I jumped up. All this pain had given me a weird energy.
Dark Brandon sat on the couch wit ha look of horror and betrayal.
“IHe said the warning bite wasn’t that bad” Dark Brandon said in tears.
Slow Brandon cried hysterically.
We all went home after that, and everyone with the bite had trouble sleeping that night. It was weird.
But it didn’t seem to really mess us up that much and we all went on with our lives.
A few years later on a weekend morning I was back over at Brandon’s place. We were smoking weed, surfing Amazon prime for stuff to watch.
“The rebuild of Evangelion is done guys. Want to watch it?” Dark Brandon said.
“Fuck it. These are real movies not mind fuck they can’t be cursed!” Slow Brandon said.
We watched Eva 1 first. This was one we had all seen before. It was an old favourite and we often watched it instead of the first 7 episodes of the show.
After it was done we put on Eva 2. I hadn’t seen this one before but both the Brandon’s had.
“I like how they made the ocean red” Slow Brandon said.
After watching it for a while I realised that this shit wasn’t evangelion. This was weird pornography spliced with all the usual images. The fighting had no stakes. I felt as if I was being taken away on a dream voyage.
When it was done we put on Eva 3 you can NOT redo
We started watching it and I was appalled. The timeskips, Asuka still looked the same. Nothing was explained and Shinji had this necklace on his head that could blow at any time.
After the first half of the movie was done Kwaru came on screen. He proceeded to eat our minds for the next 40 or so minutes. At the end of it all he said “Shinji these aren’t the lances we need”
At that point I realised all the exposition he had spotted for 40 minutes was all absolute nonsense. I almost didn’t want to watch the last one.
“Which one of you watched that travesty and said it was good?” I said angrily.
“Well we both watched it, but we didn’t finish it. I thought Kwaru was going to make sense.” Dark Brandon said in a haze.
Then I realised it. Asuka had mentioned the curse of evangelion in the movie.
“Guys I don’t think we should watch the last one. This is freaking me out way too much.” I said in disbelief.
Slow Branon laughed maniacally.
“I didn’t realise it till after I watched the 4th one” Slow Brandon sneered.
“What?” Me and Dark Brandon said in unison.
Slow Brandon pulled out a handgun and laughed.
“I made a deal with the plug suit Eva! We are all going to watch it and instead of biting me He’ll bite both of you!” Slow Brandon laughed.
He shot at the ground and took our phones. We sat on the couch with gun pointed at us.
Thankfully slow Branon seemed more interested in the movie than we were and we averted our eyes and hummed to ourselves while he watched.
Even though I was trying not to watch it I noted that the plug suit Eva was not even in the movie. This truly was the ultimate betrayal in the form of entertainment.
Suddenly the screen froze on the plug suit Eva again.
Suddenly we heard a loud terrifying voice that almost made my heart stop.
“The thing is you have to watch 2, 3 and 4 all twice to get a bite at all. But they stack.”
Then a TV appeared clear as day in front of Slow Brandon. The Eva sat there looking at him as perfectly clear versions of everyone he knew stood there clapping. They all had the plug suit Eva on their faces.
“Congratulations on getting the worst possible ending!” They all yelled gayly.
The plug suit Eva chomped down on Slow Brandon’s chest and he screamed with more pain then Shinji or Asuka in the end of evangelion.
Then the TV disappeared. Slow Brandon sat there screaming for a few seconds then ran out the door.
He apparently made it almost 40 miles running on foot before his heart gave out.
I’m posting this as the sternest warning ever to not watch the rebuild of Evangelion or Death and rebirth if you have ever even seen the end of evangelion and the last 2 episodes of the show. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.