What’s wrong?” Emma asked climbing into shotgun.
I jammed the finger into my coat pocket, “Nothing.” Just a human finger in my pocket.
Noticing my eye flutter, she kissed me on the cheek, “It’s a good day. Don’t screw it up.”
Dr. Lukavic smeared the magical wand into the jelly puddle on Emma’s stomach, and we saw our daughters for the first time. They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but it happens when you fall in love, too. Pivotal moments rode pulses of electricity through my brain. The time the class laughed at my stutter. The first time Emma used my name. My annual trips with Dad. The only time I saw my mother cry. It all conspired to lead to this moment, looking into my daughters’ eyes next to the woman I could’ve dreamt into existence.
“You ever hear about the twin Jims?” Dr. Lukavic exploded my reverie. “Jim Lewis and Jim Springer. They were adopted by separate families. They both got married twice, first wives named Linda, second wives both named Betty. They both had sons named James Allen. Both had dogs they named Toy. “ He tapped the monitor with the live feed of what appeared to be a UFC match between our daughters. “They’ll share a lifetime bond you couldn’t imagine.”
After the appointment, I couldn’t help myself. “Know anything about Doppelgangers?” I asked Dr. Lukavic. The word sat like a stench. Doppelganger. I hadn’t considered the word until it fell out of my mouth. Doppelganger. Now it just sounded funny. Doppelganger.
Lukavic was out of the door before finishing, “See you in four weeks,” leaving me alone with Emma and The Glare™.
Things were bad. Uber hadn’t resolved my case. I hadn’t heard from Officer Smerconish but could only assume I was still a suspect. Money was tight, and the babies were racing at us like wet flesh rockets. We threw one of those new age baby showers where guys are invited. They’re not fun, but at least there’s alcohol. We had sex! Everyone come celebrate the aftermath! Bring gifts! I took mercy on my friends and didn’t invite them. I’m kidding. I don’t have friends. Ted brought a large wrapped gift and a bottle of Barefoot Cabernet Sauvignon. The present was no doubt a Hot Wheels track set or charcuterie board or something else wildly inappropriate for a newborn. We were halfway through his cheap bottle of wine when I inexplicably told him what I hadn’t even told Emma. The Uber suspension and the broken door handle.
“So either you were drunk and don’t remember creeping out some poor pax, or your twin broke into your account to snag a fare?” he pointed out.
“I don’t drive drunk,” I defended, not considering the alternative wasn’t any better.
“Dude. That’s fucked up.”
“Shit, man.”
Guy talk refreshed the soul.
“Need any help?” Ted asked, fake offering money. Fuck you, Ted. You wanna do me a favor, bring a decent bottle of wine. “Why don’t you just drive for Lyft?”
“I don’t like—how they spell their name,” I said as my eye fluttered. It’s okay, Ted didn’t know my tell.
“I admire you,” Ted broke into a compliment. “Here you are supporting Emma without thinking about your own dreams. I wish I could be happy just being an Uber driver.”
“Yeah,” I said, mispronouncing “Eat your own shit, Ted.”
“Have you seen him since?”
“Huh?”
“The Doppel dude! Aren’t Doppelgangers supposed to steal your life or some shit?”
Ted helped himself to my bottle priced 186% higher than his Barefuckingfoot Cab. “You know I took this human sexuality class at university once.” He always called it university. You’re from Idaho, idiot. “One day, the instructor told the class to close their eyes. He told us to imagine two scenarios. The first one, you come home to find your mate having sex with someone else. Passionate, vigorous, screaming sex.”
I was suddenly furious with Ted’s oversized gums.
“Scenario two. You’re watching your mate walk a sandy beach with someone else. The sun is setting. They’re holding hands. You can see they’re falling in love.”
And those tiny little teeth. Fucking Chiclet teeth Ted.
“With our eyes closed, he had us raise our hands for whichever scenario bothered us more. The women were more bothered by the ‘falling in love’ scenario while the guys were more bothered by the ‘sex’ scenario. Why do you think that is?”
As long as you die soon I’m cool with any explanation.
“As humans, it’s our primary evolutionary goal to pass down our DNA. What’s the biggest threat to women who bear the children? If the husband, the provider of resources fell in love with someone else and took those resources away.”
“Doesn’t that feel a bit reductive?” I countered, uncertain what reductive meant.
“Evolution doesn’t give a shit about your gender equality studies, James. Now for the man, the worst thing for him would be to spend resources raising someone else’s DNA, which is why men have such a reaction to their spouse cheating.” I suspected a point was nigh. “You know what I’d take if I was your Doppelganger?” Ted moved closer, baring his Godzilla gums. He nodded toward Emma. Or was he nodding at her pregnant belly? Either way, Ted had to go, and I was going to be the one to tell him.
In just a second.
I grit my teeth in the bathroom mirror. I think it’s time you left, Ted. Too non-specific. Tell him what he did. I didn’t appreciate what you said about my wife/ babies, Ted. Too civil. Ted take your Barefuckingfoot Cab and ram it up your ass until your gummy face is a wine topper! I like your spirit, me.
I spun the faucet dial and washed water over my face. As my hands rubbed against my cheeks, I froze. Something felt wrong. I retracted my hand.
My pointer finger was gone, a bloody stump in its place.
“Droppin’ a deuce?” a friend’s boyfriend barked from the other side of the door. When I looked back at my hand, my fingers were fine, not a single piggy missing.
I exited the bathroom determined to sink my feelings of unease into telling Ted to get bent. I spotted him chatting with Emma. The audacity. He touched her stomach. Emma giggled. The balls! I watched Emma look at Ted, the hairline I’d slap a puppy for, and considered for a horrible moment that she was into him. And then Ted lowered a Frito into MY HOMEMADE BEAN DIP! A bridge too far! I took an angered step forward and raised the royal finger of admonishment—
BOOM BOOM BOOM! A banging at the door.
I impotently lowered the finger of doom and despair, sashayed to the front door, and opened. Officer Smerconish stared at me from his deep-set eyes.
“What’s this about?” Emma appeared behind me. The jig was up. It was a good run, but she was about to discover I was a murder suspect, and I’d hid it from her. As I contemplated whether that guy on the billboards really was “The Best Divorce Attorney This Side of the Mississippi,” Smerconish extended his hand.
“Hank,” he said. Emma shook his hand as he continued, “I’m a friend of James’.”
“I didn’t think James had friends,” Emma laughed. “Come in!”
To my horror, Smerconish took a step inside. Our guests ogled as I led the cop that was to arrest me for homicide into my own baby shower. Smerconish pulled me away from the others, “Took months for the subpoena to go through—stonewalling Uber pricks—but we finally got the records. You were across town when the murder took place.” He reached out his hand. “A man admits when he’s wrong.” And just like that, I was no longer a murder suspect.
“Thank you, sir!” I said like a dork. Maybe things were going to be okay after all—
woomp!
Ted fell to his knees. His eyes globed. A terrible crackle escaped from his chest.
CKCHCKKCHCKCHKCHKCHKCHKKCHK!!!
“He’s choking!” someone exclaimed with a full mouth. These people ate like bovines.
Except he wasn’t choking. Ted’s fingers turned inward like claws. His eyes saucered. A gray pallor came over his skin as if dying in fast motion. His neck bulged. Something crawled underneath his skin! Zigging and zagging alongside his jugular! Ted clawed at his throat, screaming as if burning alive. I swore I heard the slithering of tissue and snapping of sinews. The bulges worked down his jawline, and with a glottal gasp, two ladybugs emerged from Ted’s mouth, pittering red dots across my white carpeting like a bloody to be continued…
Everyone gaped in horror at the grotesque scene, except for me. I was fixated on the man standing outside my window watching us. He was me. Lips slanted in a half-smile, plotting the takeover of my life.