I loved my new boyfriend James very much. He was one of those rare beings who seem delightfully unaware that they are hot, and he had sweet, gentle kindness about him you almost never see in tall good-looking guys. His gentle kindness and consideration were all in line with his work as an addictions counsellor, and I admired him and his chosen profession so much. He would often come home exhausted- working with addicts and their families can be brutal, and I begged him to take care of himself, warning him about burnout and vicarious trauma. Holding me close, he would murmur that being with me was all the healing he needed, and I would be transported with delight.
But a few months into our relationship, as we grew closer and more involved, I couldn’t help becoming suspicious of his comings and goings. Something about his times weren’t adding up- he was never quite where he said he would be, always a bit too early or too late, and on more than one occasion he would meet me quite disheveled.
I couldn’t quite understand it- it was nothing I could put my finger on, just a pattern of slightly shifty behaviour. Eventually, I couldn’t conceal the thought from myself any longer- he must be cheating on me.
Almost as soon as the thought formed in my head, and I acknowledged it fully, an ad for an app called EyeSpye popped up on my phone. I swear I didn’t search for anything like that, it just appeared. Almost without thinking, I clicked, clicked, and clicked again.
It was expensive, for sure, I had never paid anything like that for an apparently simple phone app. But nothing that couldn’t be covered by cutting back on trips to Sephora and online shopping for a few months. And it was so easy to install! I downloaded it, entered the number of the “party of interest”, and voila! Within a few second, a camera, looking slightly different from the regular camera icon but almost the same, appeared on my screen.
Tapping this camera icon would allow me to see the party of interest in real time. Something about geo ecolation and radiation- I read up the technology and it sounded convincing. And they would have no clue. EyeSpye promised to show only the party of interest- due to privacy, it wouldn’t show anyone else they were interacting with. Fair enough, I thought, I don’t want to see who he is cheating with, just enough to know whether he is or isn’t.
I only meant to do it once – just to make sure. Just once.
I stared at my new camera icon. Despite the privacy claim, I still knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn’t help it. If you have ever been in love, and then suspected your beloved of cheating, I swear you would have done exactly the same.
And so I tapped. The camera opened up. For a moment or so, everything was blurry. And then the figure of James swam into sharp relief.
I stared in horror at my phone screen for what felt like hours, watching my beloved sweet boyfriend go about his day job as some kind of criminal drug enforcer. I watched him count out larger stacks of money than I have ever seen in my life, working with a gang of others dividing and packaging stuff, and then go out about, kick down doors, brandish and in one horrifying instance shoot someone, jump into unfamiliar cars and speed away and in the last haunting image, tie someone up to a chair and proceed to beat the crap out of him (or her? I couldn’t tell- privacy)
Poor consolation to the shadowy figure being pummeled on screen! I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the blood spattering James’s fist and suit, his face twisted beyond recognition. Finally he walked away.
My eyes followed him to some bathroom, where he began showering. I suddenly realised- he must be preparing to come home, to me. My mind leaped frantically about but my body remained paralysed, trying to take in the horrific images I had been watching all day on my phone. I found myself trying to hide the app, then somehow hide my phone and pack a bag all at the same time, and then-
I heard his key in the lock. He must have been very close.
He walked in, looking tired and dishevelled but happy to come home to his girlfriend.
“Hi sweetheart! How are you?” He leaned in for our usual kiss, and I flinched back instinctively. James looked puzzled. “What’s up? Everything ok?”
I nodded, still unable to find my words, and without realising it, I slightly began moving in tiny steps towards the front door.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost! Everything ok? How was your day- have you heard from your folks?”
The question prompted my brain and suddenly I started babbling. “A-actually- I just had a call from mom. She’s not feeling so well, she asked me to go see her.”
James glanced sharply at me. “Now? What’s wrong with her? It can’t wait for the weekend?”
I took a couple more steps towards the door. If only I could get out.
“No- no… she sounded very ill… she said she needed me… I’m so sorry babe, I need to go now”. My hand was almost on the door handle, but now James took a step towards me.
His hands were in his pockets.
“What’s wrong Mona?” he asked softly. “Why does your mom need you so bad?”
“Please James,” I heard my voice in a weird pleading way I had never heard before and I began turning the handle. “I gotta go.”
“Don’t go Mona.”
His face twisted and for an instant he looked like the person I had been watching on my screen. He reached out to me, but somehow I sensed his heart wasn’t really in it, and I was able to fling myself out into the building hallway. He made no attempt to follow me.
I deleted the app. He never reached out to me, and I have never seen him since.