5 am always came at the worst possible moment. Rubbing his eyes and cursing reality Jacob sat up. Another rub brought the exploding stars that were always lurking just behind the eyelids. As the room speckled back into false dawn, I yawned. I threw back the covers and put my feet on the ground. “Another day, another opportunity to scratch ten cents out of dirt and rocks” I though all too keen as to turn this home into a tomb.
You could hear the horses shifting and huffing, snorting and stomping from the chicken coop. I took a moment and had to remind myself this wasn’t normal. In an instant the horses complaint stopped. I could all the sudden heat my heartbeat in my ears. The tempo was getting fast a solid drum drum drum picking up half speed each beat.
I took a deep breath and held it, closing my eyes and kneeling down, I slowly exhaled. For all the terrible advice that head doctor gave me, deep breathing and taking a moment was solid advice. As long as no one was around to see, it would do seeing a veteran break.
I stood back up and sound returned. I listened for the horses but heard no commotion now. Okay, Jacob, I assured myself “ the one looks out for all his lost”. As I continued my morning all looked right.
Once I got to the stables I paused. Everything looked fine. Almost eerily so as if someone had painted the best day ever from this point of view. The stars returned to my eyes and I rubbed them away. For that brief moment I could swear I heard a cascading rive. My vision cleared and I took stock. Nothing out of the ordinary, I’ve got to be having a bad one today.
I briefly though about ending my chores for the day and calling the help. The neighbors understood, or at least commiserated with my condition. Apparently concussive explosion regardless of shrapnel proximity could still scar.
I checked my surrounding. I must have drifted off again because the sun was higher and I was soaked in sweat. “I’m going to call for help” I though as I turned heel toward the door. It wasn’t quite noon yet but I knew deep down today I didn’t have it in me. Reaching the house I pieced up the phone.
“Hey Jim” I said when he answered the phone. Jim was the closest neighbor and half my age. I had never through 30 to be young until now. “Well hey there Jacob it’s nice to hear from you”. I didn’t really understand the sentiment of the second half of his greeting, but I thought no more of it and moved on. “I’m struggling today Jim, do you know anyone who could help finish my chores” I stated, “ I will pay well as you know”.
Jim you could hear in his reply was almost offended, “ Jacob” he said almost sternly, “ my sons will be over to help, never you mind about pay” I sputtered and tried to argue but he pushed on. “ my sons will bring food from Leanne” . I was silent for a second, then replied “ I don’t need any..” John cut me off” blah blah blah charity and help Jacob, they’ll be there”. I thanked him and Leanne.
I was exhausted, I checked the clock. “6am, that can’t be right” I rubbed my eyes and kept them closed for a second. Cain, Johns son woke me up with a jolt my shaking my shoulder. “ I’m sorry sir, but I was told to help with chores and bring some supper” I nodded “ thank you son I appreciate it more than you know”. Cain turned and said “ food from moms is on the table” “was your brother with you I’d like to thank both of you with some money”. Cain paused not turning around. “Just me sir, and I wouldn’t take it even if you forced it but you know that” I nodded and sat back.
“Thank you for your help” I said. Cain nodded once and left through the front door. I was hungry maybe I’ll rummage around and see what Leanne was preparing. As I opened the package something rancid hit my nose and I flinched away. The though is was very nice but this must be old. I glanced back at the charity and paused. A ringing in my ears and a metallic taste in my mouth reminded me this was panic and adrenaline. Instantly I could hear the artillery barrage drumming towards my position and scampered under the table for cover, yelling “ heads down boys!” As I hit the floor and pushed under the table everything became silent again.
I awoke under my kitchen table, the rancid smell from the care package assaulting me from above. “It smelled like that yesterday too” I assured my self. Well, if I’m being honest more trying to convince than assure. I crawled out from under the table. Shakily getting to my feet stiff with age and life in general, though harder than most through hard times, I never considered my self a particularly tough man. I woke up did the job to be done and tried to show compassion where I could.
I pulled myself back to reality as if I hadn’t been standing 6 feet from the back wall for the past 3 hours staring unblinking. I rubbed my eyes and was blinded by the exploding stars. I turned around and looked at the offered food Cain had brought. It didn’t make any sense though and my mind could quite wrap itself around without the dam of my sins broke and drowned me.
Why, after John stated his sons, would I not also see Able. I don’t think I moved until a knock on the door jarred me. I went to answer the door. Sheriff Yope was there looking concerned. “ hey Jacob”, he said looking past me “ what’s going on” “ what do you mean I asked”
“ well ya see Jacob, and I think you’re a great person and a hero plus the parish love you” I became uncharacteristically frusturated. “ what is the point you trying to make” I said more cold and unfriendly than I intended. “ Have you been in contact recently with your neighbor John?” He asked.
“Well yeah I called John yesterday and asked for some assistance on the chores” I stated, I paused and couldn’t understand why I was being so hostile. “About that,” the sheriff said looking down. “ we had a call about 4 hours ago” he moved next to me on the porch and took a seat on the top step. I did the same. “ what day is it Jacob” the sheriff asked. “Tuesday” again so matter of fact that it felt like someone else was speaking. “ Jacob” he paused again and was looking down. “ I know your history same as any other and I know you’re a good man and an even better soldier” he paused. “ what did you do to the family”
I stared at him for what felt like eternity. “ what” I said almost stupidly. “ there’s Ables head on your table Jacob” the sheriff said, and continued “ and as shocking as that is the horse stable is a horror show”
I looked at him shaken to my core. “Wha….what are you saying to me?” I stuttered almost drowning in what felt like distorted reality. “ we are going to have to take you with us Jacob” he said and even confused and my ears pounding about to burst I nodded. “ no one blames you in the community at least we know what you’ve been through” I just kept nodding.
As I was being taken to the home for veterans psychiatric care I was drowned with the recollection. I called the neighbor paranoid and irritable. One by one the family, my own neighbors, came to help me. And one by one, Cain being the last, I killed them all. The realization that I brought over the food sack and presented it to Cain finally came to the forefront my my brain. They are telling me I’m insane and that the war is the cause.
“What war?” I asked chained to the interrogation table. They were saying I was a monster and deep down I know I was those men I fought and died beside would not have known release if it wasn’t for the decorated monster in front of them. “ I did what I had to do for the safety and freedoms of my fellow man” the nodded and ask me again the same starting question.
“What war?” Had I been talking before this question. All 4 doctors nodded and began writing notes.