I’ve been living, for the past seven years, with my girlfriend Jessica. I don’t know how, but it’s been seven years. I could swear it was last week that we were moving in. Scared but prepared to finally live together. Happy as one could be.
Now it’s the millionth time we’re having breakfast across from each other. We each make an effort to say something once in a while in between all the media scrolling. We like to pretend we are interested in what the other has to say. I don’t know what I hated most. The silence or the obligation of having to say anything.
“You need to fix the hole in the wall. It’s getting bigger and there is a huge black spider living inside”
“What hole? What spider?”
“Are you serious? What hole? Nevermind Jack”
Jessica got up, turned around and left the kitchen. She left a half eaten toast on the plate and a lukewarm mug of tea on the table. Tea that she never drank anyways. I truly believe she just enjoyed making it to annoy me. Because she never drank it. And it annoyed me to no end. Like we were swimming in money, to keep wasting it on expensive tea.
I was going to get up and go look for her, but I decided not to. Let her cry if she does. Cleans the soul. I’m tired of it. I cry too, and no one ever comes to see what is wrong.
I got up and looked around. No hole. Was it even in the kitchen? I guess not. Was there even a hole? Who knows. Jessica had a sick sense of humor. This would be the kind of thing she would find funny. Make me go around looking for a hole, just to mess with me.
I sat down and finished my breakfast. But I felt bad. So I went to look for her.
“Jessica?”
She was not in the living room. She was not in the bathroom. Maybe the bedroom?
I nudged the door a bit.
“Jessica?”
“What Jack?”
“Jessica, I didn’t hear you talk about any hole. I’m sorry. Where is it?”
“You never listen Jack”
“Do you think I do it on purpose? Do you think I wake up and think about forgetting stuff just to piss you off? If I didn’t hear it, I didn’t hear it. Is it that hard to understand? Can’t I just be stupid or an airhead?”
“Forget it…”
“I’m sorry ok? Just tell me where the hole is. I’ll take a look at it now. Sorry I didn’t pay attention before”
“It’s in the living room, Jack. How can you not see a hole there?”
“Where in the living room? I swear I didn’t see a hole. Are you fucking with me?”
“Jack, everyone can see a hole there. Anyone but you. Please let me get ready for work. Go away”
“Are you serious?”
No response, so I walked away.
I went straight to the living room to check out this hole. I check everywhere. No hole. Behind the tv maybe? No hole. Behind the couch? No hole. On the floor? No hole.
“Fuck this”
I went to take a shower before getting ready for work. When I got out of the shower, she was already gone. No goodbye, no nothing. Unbelievable.
Before leaving for work, I took another glance around the living room. No hole. She was definitely fucking with me. There was nothing here, and there wouldn’t be.
When I got back from work she was in the living room reading a book.
“Hey”
“Hey”
“How was work?”, I asked.
“Pretty good. Want to go make dinner with me?”
I was surprised with her mood. Usually when we have a less than friendly morning, there is always an aftershock in the evening. I was glad there wasn’t one, because I didn’t have the patience today. I didn’t want to make dinner either. I wanted to take my clothes off and sit in front of the tv watching some dumb movie. I was tired.
“I’m tired Jessica, can we just order some pizza and watch a movie instead?”
Her face turned back to the book, and she almost teared up.
“What?”, I asked, already starting to get annoyed at a potential aftershock after all.
“I bought something special for us to make. I thought we could spend some time doing something together. But nevermind I guess.”
And now I felt like shit. How was I supposed to know?
“Shit Jessica, I’m sorry. That sounds great. Let’s make dinner together. What are we making?”, I said with fake excitement, but I don’t think she noticed.
“Lamb with potatoes”
That was my favourite. Sometimes I really do feel like an asshole.
“I love you know?”, I said, trying to make up for my shitty mood.
“I know”
We went into the kitchen and we made dinner. We had music coming out of my phone. Stuff we heard when we were much younger and just started dating. We were cooking and singing. She was smiling and trying to make me dance. But I don’t dance, so I avoided it. I hugged her from behind instead, and didn’t let go.
“You have to let go, if you want to eat unburnt food”
And so I did.
We had dinner, we drank some wine, and we went to bed afterwards.
I don’t remember the last time we spent time together like this. Then we fucked. And that was even rarer these days.
She got up to go to the bathroom. I stared at the ceiling.
I thought about how much I still loved her. Despite everything lately. Despite the clear void that was looming above our heads. She was still the love of my life. And would forever be. There was still something here to work on.
She came back and laid next to me. And my intrusive thoughts popped up. It was unbearable to hold it in. I tried and tried, but I couldn’t help it. I never could.
“So?”
“What?”, she asked.
“You? Screwing with me this morning? Making me believe there was a hole in the living room.”
“You think I was screwing with you?”
“C’mon Jessica. I went to the living room like an idiot and searched everywhere for a hole that doesn’t exist”
“Can you stop Jack? You’re not being funny. If you don’t want to fix it just say it”
“I would fix it, if there was a hole to fix”
“You want to play this game? Ok, you win. There is no hole. I don’t know why I even try”
“C’mon don’t do this. Ok, I believe you. Just show me where it is then”
“Goodnight Jack”
Jessica rolled to her side of the bed. And said no more.
I picked up my phone, my cigarettes and went outside to the balcony. I couldn’t sleep anyways. I was scrolling through pointless social media, trying to forget the perfect night I had just ruined, when I got a text from my brother.
“Yo. How are things going man?”
“What’s up? Going good, why?”
“You know, just asking”
“Cmon, I know you. What are you trying to get at? Just come out with it”
“First you have to say you won’t take this the wrong way. You’re my brother and I love you, so I’m just trying to look out for you, ok?”
“Hmm, ok? Should I be worried? What is going on?”
“It was something I noticed the last time I went there”
“What? Last sunday?”
“Yeah”
“Just say it dude”
“The hole in your wall”
“Wtf Dan. Did Jessica tell you to say that?”
“What? No. It was just something I noticed. I’m trying to help. It’s pretty big, dude. I thought that maybe you couldn’t fix it alone and I was trying to lend a hand. Since you didn’t mention it, I assumed you were ashamed of it”
“I really don’t see how this is supposed to be funny. Is it some inside joke that I don’t get? Is it some new game the kids are playing that I still haven’t heard?”
“Ok Jack. Suit yourself. But just so you know, the longer you take to fix it, the bigger it’s gonna get pal”
“Are you done?”
“Whatever dude. Cya around”
“Bye”
Now I knew they were fucking with me. Pretty big hole? There is no hole. That’s what they want. They got you talking about the hole. They’re already winning. I guess that’s the game.
I put out the cigarette in the ashtray and went inside.
Jessica was already sleeping. I decided to go watch some tv, to see if I could get my eyes to tire. I sat on the couch, and there it was.
In the wall to the left of the couch. I got up to make sure. It was so small, but it really looked like there was a hole after all. This cannot be it. A huge hole? This is the talk of the town? My finger wouldn’t even fit inside. If this was it, then I still don’t get the joke. I’ll fix it tomorrow. But looking at it now, it was perfectly made. Like a tube. No flaws around it. Completely smooth. I wondered what made this. Didn’t even seem possible. Even a drill would leave hard edges in some way. I kept getting my eye close to it. Then more and more. But the closer my eye got to it, the darker it became. My head would block out the light. I swore I saw something inside. I felt my forehead touch the wall. I put it on an angle, but no luck. I took my phone and turned on the flashlight. Got as close as I could with my right eye and flashed inside to try and see. There was something black inside. What was it? I stood back and blew on it. And it came out. One black leg at a time. Its legs, thick and long, curving out of the hole. They shined to the light of the living room. My heart skipped a few beats, and this huge spider crept out, slowly, trying to escape. Or trying to back me off. Without thinking about it, I kicked the wall with the sole of my shoe, trying to kill that thing. I was sure I saw it fall on the ground, but I couldn’t see it anywhere. I looked around, frantically, but no luck. I looked at the sole of my shoe, but no luck. I flailed around, maybe it had gotten on my clothes. And felt my whole body shiver.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Where is it? Did it go back in the hole? Did I miss it?”
I flashed the light back at the hole, keeping my distance from it. I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know if it went back inside, or if it fell on the floor and scurried away. One thing was for sure. I hadn’t killed it. I then got an idea. Tape. But I couldn’t let it out of my sight. What if it crawled back out when I went to get the tape? I had to risk it.
I ran to the kitchen closet and got out the tape. And ran back into the living room. I taped the hole shut. Once and twice. And then again just to be sure. If it was inside, there is no way it’s coming back out. But what if it wasn’t?
If I couldn’t sleep before, it would be impossible now. I couldn’t let go of the thought of both the hole and the black creepy crawly.
I moved the couch and went into the kitchen to get a chair. I brought it to the living room, setting it right in front of that hole. I sat and stared straight at it. I wanted to see if the tape moved. If that evil spawn was inside, maybe it would try to touch the tape. Maybe I would see it move. But it didn’t. For ten minutes I sat there. Nothing. Ten minutes more. Nothing. I felt the need to go outside. I looked around again, hoping to find some black thing hiding somewhere else. Found nothing, yet again.
I lit a cigarette outside, and tried to put my mind off it. But I couldn’t let the thought of it go. It was unbearable not to think about it. I tried watching videos, but they all seem to mention holes and spiders. I threw the unsmoked cigarette. I paced back to the chair, and sat down.
“What the fuck?!”
The hole had gotten bigger. How? Impossible. But the tape was barely covering the hole now. I could see very small gaps at the edge of the tape.
“Don’t be stupid Jack. It’s obvious that the spider clawed at the tape, trying to get out”
But no. The tape was in perfect condition. Only smaller. Either the hole got bigger, or the tape shrank. The latter made much more sense. I had to get more tape. I took it from the little table next to me, where I had put the roll before. I took strip after strip. I had the taste of glue on my lips and teeth. The hole was sealed now.
“Fuck me”
It really was bigger. I could feel it in the middle part of the tape, when I ran my finger on top of it. It was definitely bigger. I would say it was now as wide as two fingers. Maybe more.
“Fuck me. What is this?”
I couldn’t find a reasonable answer for whatever this was. I was late and I was tired. But I still sat there. Watching, staring. Once in a while, I had to touch it. I had to run my finger over the tape. I had to see if it was getting bigger. And it was. Little by little, but it was.
“What are you doing Jack?”
It was Jessica. Somehow it was already morning. It had come out of nowhere.
“Jessica! I can see it now. I can see the hole”
“Have you been up all night?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I tried to fix it, but it keeps getting bigger”
“You can’t fix it by staring at it, Jack”
“I know that. I put some tape over it. But it isn’t working. I need you to stay here, so I can go to the store and get the right stuff to fix it”
“I have to go to work, Jack. So do you. We can talk about this later”
“Are you serious Jessica? You have been bitching about this hole since yesterday morning. I saw it and I stayed up all night trying to find a solution. And now you say we can do this later? Are you serious?”
“I’m not going to try and fix a hole now, Jack. You had plenty of opportunities before. It can wait until we get back. I’m going to get ready for work, and so should you”
She went into the bathroom and I heard her turn on the shower.
“Fuck her”, and I continued staring at it, trying to come up with a solution.
An hour had passed, just like that.
“Are you not going to work?”, she asked.
“I called in sick. Are you really not going to help me?”
“I’ll see you later, Jack”
And she left.
I got up and ran to the door. I opened it in one hard swing.
“Jessica!”
She didn’t look back.
“FINE! I’LL DO IT MYSELF!”, and I slammed the door as hard as I could, to make a point.
And I got back to the chair and stared. Then I picked up my phone and called her. I got no answer, so I called again. Nothing. I wanted to apologise, but she didn’t pick up. So I called again. With each call getting angrier and angrier. She wouldn’t answer. So I sent her a voice message.
“Can you pick up the fucking phone? I’m trying to apologise! This is what I get for trying to fix something? So I didn’t see it before. Fuck! I see it now! Do you have to be a bitch about it? At least I’m trying. What are you doing?”, and I hung up.
Hours passed and I still stared at the hole. Getting bigger and bigger. I was running out of tape. The floor was filled with cigarette buts. I couldn’t even bother going outside to smoke. I ran out of smokes. I ran out of tape. The hole kept getting bigger. Slowly, but surely.
It was night time now. No Jessica. She was supposed to be home hours ago. Where was she? So I called again. Nothing. And I called again. Nothing. I threw the phone on the table.
“Fucking hole!”, I yelled. Straight into the mesh of tape.
Then my phone beeped. A message. It was from her.
“I’m not coming home tonight. I need to stay away for a few days. I’m staying at a friend’s place. Please stop calling me every second. I can’t be in that apartment anymore. I’m afraid to get back in there with you. Please Jack. Stop.”
So I texted back.
“Are you for fucking real?! I’m just trying to fix something YOU asked for!!!!”
“I don’t know if it can be fixed anymore. Bye Jack”
I tried calling back, cause I couldn’t write and stare at it at the same time. But she didn’t pick up. Then I tried again and the call wouldn’t go through.
“FUCK!”, and I threw the phone at the wall. It ripped some of the tape. I was so sick of this hole, so I got up, and started to rip every last bit of tape from the wall.
“Come on fucker! Come on!””
The tape was gone. The hole doubled in size. And I stood in front of it, defying it, waiting for something to come out. But there was nothing inside. Just a void. An empty endless void. It was growing and consuming the wall. Then all around me, and I could see nothing. I felt faint, and I collapsed.
I remember waking up to the sound of my brother’s voice.
“Jack, are you ok? Jack, wake up”
Apparently, people from work had been trying to call me for a whole day and got no response. They called my brother, who was my emergency contact, and he came to see if everything was alright. It wasn’t.
“Dude, what the fuck Jack? What is wrong? Are you ok?”
I wasn’t.
Jessica never came back. We talked a few days after all this happened to figure things out and we ended things.
I still live in the apartment, and the hole is still there, but I’ve accepted it and learned to live with it. I accepted there was no fixing it. Funny thing is, I think it’s starting to shrink. The less I think about it, the more it shrinks. It will take time, but in time, it’ll be gone.
Slowly, but surely.