I don’t know how any of this started, and I don’t know why this is happening to me, but it is, and I guess I have to live with that. Oh, hey… How’s it going? Ha. Who am I even talking to right now, even if someone could hear me they sure as hell wouldn’t be able to respond. Well, I guess I’ll just put it all out there. I got nothing fucking better to do. Eternity gets pretty fucking boring after a while I’ll tell you what. I never thought that I would miss a fucking cheeseburger so much until all this shit happened. I would literally, no lie, actually kill for one right now. Why the fuck did I decide to be a vegan? Fuck, I’m rambling again, aren’t I? You tend to do that when you’re alone for this long. Anyway, you’re probably wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, and why this guy sounds like he’s on fifty different types of crack. Well, buckle down because it’s a long one.
It all started when I was going to get the laundry from my basement. You can only turn on the light once you’re down there, with those little pulley things. You know what I’m talking about right? Those metal pulley metal chain things that make that satisfying “clink” sound and turn on the light bulb directly. Love those things. My basement is pitch black until I get to the bottom and pull it. So, I’m walking down the stairs and they just don’t stop. Like, legitimately don’t stop.
I guess it wasn’t that long of a story, huh? Well, I kept walking and walking and walking thinking I’m losing my fucking mind. Shouldn’t I be at the bottom of the stairs by now? It’s only a flight of stairs, it shouldn’t take this long. After about 20 seconds I know something’s wrong, and I try to turn back, but that’s the thing, there is no fucking back. Now I don’t know how the hell this works but the second I turned around I was staring right back down into the darkness leading into my basement, not back up at the door. I try to turn around again, same deal. There is no fucking up! Only down. I almost vomited with the number of times I spun around and around and around, trying to catch a glimpse of “up”, of freedom. But it doesn’t work, and I just end up staring at those infinite set of damn stairs, stretching into the abyss.
But how can I still see? The light from the basement door is still illuminating the area in front of me, I just can’t turn around to see it. One big mind fuck I’ll tell ya. At first I panicked. Like I said I probably spun around a million times in the hope of resetting or fixing whatever I’d gotten myself into. When that didn’t work, I went into a mad sprint down the stairs. I must’ve run for 30 minutes, but they just kept going. I tried screaming for help, but my vocal cords only lasted an hour before they stopped working. Fucked ‘em up so bad I started coughing up blood, and couldn’t speak for a long while after that. Felt like swallowing knives every time I tried.
After the initial panic was over, I calmed myself down and tried to think about it logically. This wasn’t possible, right? This shouldn’t be real. Maybe I’m dead or something? Maybe I fell down the stairs and broke my neck? No matter how I tried to rationalize it, it didn’t matter. I’ll that I knew was that I’m here now, and I have to get out.
I thought, maybe there was an end to this, maybe if I walked far enough I would eventually get to the bottom. How fucking naive. I walked for what felt like days, weeks, no end in sight. And, you must be wondering how I survived without food and water. Well, somehow my body doesn’t need it. I’m still fucking alive even though I’ve gone lord knows how long without any sort of sustenance. But I still feel hunger and thirst, and boy is it fucking miserable. I could feel myself starving and my body eating away at my muscles and organs in a desperate attempt to get any sort of nutrients. I could feel myself losing all the moisture in my body until I was a shriveled husk of a man. I couldn’t even fucking cry anymore, but somehow I was still alive.
After a week I could only slowly crawl down the stairs, but they still didn’t end. Eventually, I didn’t have the energy to move my frail body. I psychically could not move no matter how hard I tried. So, I was stuck there, in place. But I could still see and think, and experience every damn thing that was happening to me. I could feel my body decomposing around me, my flesh rotting off, my blood trickling down the stairs away from me, but I was still here. First came the insanity, and I went pretty nuts for a while there. But the thing about eternity is that it always outlasts insanity. I had clarity of mind for a bit, then went insane again, and on and on and on.
My mind has done everything it can to keep me distracted. I’ve thought of almost everything, hell my brain created whole worlds and lives to distract me. I can’t count how many wives I’ve had, or jobs, or children. But it never lasts. I always end up right back here, and when I get over the grief of the life I’ve just lost I realize all over again how utterly trapped I am. I think I’ve even talked to God before, but that was probably just another illusion my sick mind has conjured up. Consciousness is not built to last this long. There has to be peace and finality at some point, but that point has never come. It’s unnatural. You can’t have life without death, it just doesn’t work like that. But, I guess my lucky ass is the one to experience this paradox huh. Fuck me.
I’ve seen some pretty psychedelic shit. Stuff that would make LSD seem like a baby’s pacifier. Does that even make sense as an analogy? Fuck you I’m going with it.
I don’t know how long I’ve been here, how many trillions of lifetimes have passed, but I’m still here. On these goddamn stairs. Looking down at a place I’ll never be able to reach. A destination I’ll be forever cursed to not arrive at.
But, something changed recently. In one of my lives, I was able to bring back a laptop somehow, and it connects to the internet? I don’t know how the fuck that’s possible, but if it is I thought I’d tell my story on the off chance that it could get to someone, that I could interact with another human being. This could just be another figment of a broken mind, conjured up to keep me sane, but I have to hope with all that’s left of my being that it’s not. I can’t talk to people directly for some reason, but I can post here.
I have just one warning to anyone actually reading this. For the love of all that is holy please just install a fucking light switch at the top of your basement stairs please. I know the clinking sound is satisfying but please even if this wasn’t a possibility it’s just so much more convenient, and you can actually see where you’re going literally zero downsides please for the love of fuck.