“Want to climb up on the roof with me?” Caroline asked Zach as he washed the dishes and she wiped down the counter. They had just finished putting the girls to bed. The sun was going to set in about a half hour.
“Yeah definitely” he said “Can I finish this first?” pointing at the sink with his elbow. There were a few dishes left to do. Four bottles, all with varying levels of milk still in them.
“No, let’s go”, she said, handing him the towel from the back of the dishwasher. She could see her nails as she held it. They were starting to chip, an electric blue she painted on herself a few days ago. She knew she was whining a little. “I’ll even fellate you later.” She pronounced it “fellaish”, a joke from when they spent a month in Paris right after college. He started drying his hands on the towel.
“A promise is a promise, Anderson.” He said, putting the towel down to the left of the sink, and wrapping both hands around her waist in front of him. She turned around with him still holding her and started walking awkwardly.
“Hold on.” She stopped, checking the baby monitors on her phone. Both girls were sleeping. They slept hard. It took them a while to fall asleep but once they did a fire alarm could go off right outside their doors and they wouldn’t even flinch.
They walked up the stairs, opening the door to the attic once they got to the landing. They continued up the attic steps, being careful to avoid the ones that creaked. Caroline opened the window on the south side of the big room, a ladder underneath it.
The ladder was there when they bought the house. The previous owners must have sat on the roof too, Caroline thought when she first saw it.
She put her sparkling water can and yoga mat down outside of the window before climbing out herself. Zach climbed out and they walked to the back of the flat roof together, spread out the yoga mat, and sat, watching the waves from the ocean at the end of the property.
“You want this?” Zach asked, handing Caroline his one-hitter.
“Yerp, sure why not.” she said, taking the steel cigarette and leaning into the flame from the lighter as he flicked it for her.
They leaned against each other as they talked, his face illuminated by the pink cotton candy clouds. Reds, oranges and yellows moved in streaks as the sun slowly disappeared. When it was gone but still light enough to see they laid back and looked at the clouds, saying what they looked like as they lazily floated by.
The baby monitors were open on her phone, both girls still sleeping. They cllimbed back in the window, Caroline sliding down the ladder until her foot caught on a rung. When they reached the upstairs landing Zach motioned “shh” with his finger over his mouth, and pulled her next to him. The babies breathed from their rooms on either side, and the house did too. Caroline’s dream house, a century old with happy golden walls leading up the stairwell.
“I’m so fucking happy to be doing this life with you, Liney” Zach said, as he kissed her on top of her head. She grabbed his hand and started walking to the bedroom.
Later, she was downstairs by herself. The house was dark and she felt restless. She wanted to stay up for a bit, meditate. She walked to the kitchen to grab another can of sparkling water and a straw. When she got back to the living room she turned on the lamp next to the couch, and stopped.
Where did this come from? She thought, sitting on the couch and looking at it.
It was big and old. Gold with orange accents. The shade was a dark buttery yellow.
She didn’t want to wake up the girls so she texted Zach ‘Did you buy a lamp?’ She was hoping he would still be awake and just scrolling on his phone.
‘No?’ he replied back.
She took a picture of it and sent it to him.
‘Yeah, no. You bought that. Don’t you remember? You came home with it a couple weekends ago, when you went to the flea market with Josie. I told you it looked like it came from Grandma Laura Arthur’s house and you laughed.’
Caroline looked at her phone, feeling confused. I don’t remember that, she thought. Her chest started to hurt a little bit and she realized that she was holding her breath.
‘Going to bed. Love you.’ Zach texted again.
She put her phone down and turned towards the lamp again, fully looking at it. The golds and yellow glowing warm with the soft light under the shade. What the- she thought, as the lamp rippled. Or at least that’s what it looked like to her. Like a tiger scratched what was in her vision and in the scratch marks the lamp became something else. A different lamp entirely, silver. Industrial. She stared at it, the lamp looking like it did before, normal. It is a lamp Grandma Laura Arthur would have she thought. She felt like she couldn’t look away from it, it looked alive, like it was breathing almost. She felt like she could barely even blink.
She was still sitting in the same spot when Zach walked into the living room.
“Were you here all night?” He asked, looking at her, surprised.
She turned her head, facing him. She hadn’t noticed the sun coming in through the windows. She could feel heart started beating faster, the sound of it in her ears. A cold feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“What?” She realized she was whispering. “What happened?”
“I don’t know, you just didn’t come to bed.” Zach looked at her confused. “I’m heading to the kitchen to make coffee.”
She felt stiff as she got up and walked over to the mirror hanging on the wall. She looked in it. Her face looked the same as it always did, long blonde hair, wearing the glasses she put on when she took out her contacts before going to the living room last night. Maybe more pale than usual she thought.
“Weird. Will you help me get the girls ready to drop off at my moms?” Zach asked, “I’m running super late.” She nodded slowly.
He turned and walked to the downstairs shower, their preferred shower of choice in the house. It had the best shower head, it felt like the water was pelting you clean Zach would say.
She walked out of the living room and upstairs to June’s room first. Her body felt heavy, her head hurt. It definitely feels like I was up all night, she thought. She never used the railing, but she did this time, leaning heavily on the light, golden oak.
She always kept the light off while getting June ready in the morning. Usually just saying “Good morning June bug” in a quiet voice as she came into the room.
June hated wearing clothes and lately was flexing her grey hair giving skills. Caroline tried not to wake her up as she picked out an outfit. June looked at her half-asleep still as Caroline lifted her to pull her underwear and shorts up. “How was your day Mommy?” June asked, sounding like she was still sleeping.
“Well little love, it hasn’t really started yet.” Caroline hugged her and June laughed suddenly. Caroline laughed with her. Her chubby toddler hands with dimples instead of knuckles, helping to pull her shirt over her head.
“Time for Mimi and Pop’s house” Caroline said. June loved going over there. Zach’s parents also watched the girls wild, feral cousins on the same days as June and Grace. The girls would both come home tired and filthy, but happy and laughing every Tuesday and Thursday.
Caroline wrapped her in her pink blanket with all of the hearts on it, and carried her downstairs as June happily yelled “Taco baby! Taco baby!”
Zach came up the stairs from the basement and June yelled “Look daddy, taco baby!” throwing her arms out wide. Caroline almost dropped her.
“I’m going to grab Gracie” She said to Zach as she put June down, kissing her on the top of her head.
Upstairs Grace was already up, smiling at Caroline from in her crib. She started yelling and reaching for her. She sounds exactly like a pterodactyl Caroline thought. She picked her up and covered her face with kisses, her little cheeks and eyes crinkling as Grace smiled.
Caroline changed her diaper and put a turquoise onesie and white shorts on her. She carried her downstairs, grabbed a yogurt squeeze, a homemade granola bar, and a cup of water for June, then walked outside and buckled Grace in her car seat. Caroline was wearing the thin bathrobe with the long bell sleeves that she put on the night before. She tightened it after letting go of Grace, realizing it was coming undone.
“Snack, snack, snack, snack, snack, snack, snack, snack, hoorah, hoorah” June sang to the tune of ‘the ants go marching’ as Caroline handed her the yogurt.
“Love you guys” Caroline said to Zach as he walked next to her to get in the driver’s seat. She laughed as he pulled her into his chest for a long hug. He had a bottle for Grace in his other hand.
“See you tonight,” he said, letting her go.
She walked back to the house, looking at her zen garden as she went. The water from the statue, ceaseless and calm.
When June and Grace went to Mimi’s and Pops, Caroline would put on her tennis shoes and go for a run or do yoga on the rooftop. But today she couldn’t stop thinking about the lamp. What happened last night? Why can’t I remember buying it.There was a flea market a few weeks ago. A sunny, warm mid-July Saturday. Josie came and picked her up and they went, leaving their husbands with the kids. Caroline’s dress was bright pink she remembered. She was working on wearing colors that resonated with her mood. Or encouraged a better one. She remembered parking, talking about their brother Phil, shit-talking their mom for what she said to their other sister Silvia. Looking at some of the booths, the crystals and clothes for sale. Caroline held up a mirror with white hand carved edges, like waves opening up to the inside.
But then nothing.
Like Bridget’s birthday Caroline thought. They got a party bus to take them to the bars downtown. They got to the first bar and everything was crystal clear up until she put her drink down on a table so it didn’t spill while she and her friends danced. They were leaving to go to the next bar and she drank it fast, everyone in a hurry to go. Then total blackness. A flash of her friend Kristin holding her up. Throwing up over the edge of the fence before her boyfriend at the time picked her up and took her home. She woke up the next morning in his bed with one fake eyelash on and nothing else. Gasping “what happened” then bursting into tears.
They found out later that there were a couple of people roofied at that bar that night. One woman raped and robbed.
Caroline sat on the couch again and looked at the lamp. The same soft glow as before. There was something carved into the side that she did not remember seeing. She leaned in to look more closely at it. It didn’t look like writing in English, but it did look like words.
She was still leaning forward on her hands, her face towards the lamp, when she heard the back door open. The kids laughing, Zach saying “you home Liney?” She blinked, her eyes dry.
What the fuck, she thought.
She looked towards the doorway, then back to the lamp. It felt like only a second had passed. She hadn’t eaten all day. Not since last night. Her head was pounding.
It felt like the room was spinning. Everything started to look blurry. The lamp looked like it was getting bigger, enormous even. Then shrunk down again, even smaller than it was before. She closed her eyes. I’m going to puke.
Absurdly, she remembered the first time she ever smoked weed. She was in her friend Lacey’s dorm room at 4 am. They’d been out the whole night and Caroline was drunk. After smoking she couldn’t lay down, couldn’t close her eyes. The room wouldn’t stop moving. Eventually she did puke in the trash can below Lacey’s desk, tucked under the lofted bed and felt a little better.
Caroline opened her eyes but it felt like she was underwater. She could see the lamp in front of her still, but it was blurry. Like I opened my eyes in a vat of jelly, she thought.
Her eyes shut again. She could see colors exploding in her mind. Brilliant orange, yellow, and gold shades. Tinged with a beautiful, vibrant, pulsating red. Then everything went black.
She felt an intense pain in her jaw. She jolted. It felt like her mind snapped into place in her body. Her entire mouth felt like it was on fire. She closed her eyes again, her head throbbing.
The last thing she remembered were sirens around her, people talking. Voices directed at her. She could see their lips moving but she couldn’t tell what they were saying. Just words tossed her way from the other side of a glass wall.
“Zach!” She tried to yell. Her mouth and throat weren’t working. She could see a face move above her, brown concerned eyes. “Hun, it’ll be ok.” The face said, grabbing her hand. “We’ll get you out of here soon.”
She tried to look around but her head was so heavy. She couldn’t move it. It felt like a bowling ball was on top of it, pinning it down.
She could see another car to the left of her vision, smoking, on fire. People to the side of it, crying. Staring at her.
She closed her eyes.
She could hear her phone getting text after text. A ‘beep, beep, beep’ one after the next. She looked around for it, moving only her eyes. She saw it next to her left hand. She stretched to reach and picked it up, looking at the front screen, notifications one after another. She didn’t recognize the numbers.
She opened a text. ‘LOOK BEHIND YOU’ it said, all in capital letters. She tried to turn her head but she couldn’t move it, the pain excruciating. She realized she was actually on fire, flames jumping over her face. She couldn’t stop coughing in the smoke, tears pouring down her eyes. “My eyes! My eyes!” she screamed, trying to move her arms up to help put out the flames. But she couldn’t move them. The people still to the left, staring.
She startled awake. She could still hear the ‘beep, beep, beep’. It was coming from a monitor to her right. Her throat and chest felt gritty and raw. Like she took a piece of sandpaper to the insides of both.
Someone walked by the room. “Hey, please” She tried to call, her voice scaring her in the empty room. “Zach!” She tried calling for him, her voice barely a whisper. Where is he? She thought. Where are my girls?
She tried to say their names, “June! Grace!” She couldn’t tell if anything even came out. Everything felt so heavy. She remembered a cartoon with the anvil landing on a coyote in the desert. A curve of a highway tricking something into running straight at a wall. The thought slipped away. I just can’t remember. She could barely move her head, but her fingers touched something smooth. The call button.
Her mind flashed back to the hospital when she had June, and then a year and a half later, Grace. Trying to alternate between two channels of TV that had anything even vaguely watchable on, both times. Tapping the top button to call a nurse when she needed one.
She tapped the button, a searing pain in her chest as her arm extended. She closed her eyes and waited. The darkness started beckoning again, a wave tapping at her feet, threatening to wash over her before she could hear someone walk in.
She opened her eyes. The nurse walking in looked short, her hair a blond so light it was almost white. She was frowning. She didn’t look at her as she walked straight to the machines beeping. “You’re awake” she said, pulling a monitor closer to her and pressing a button.
“Where’s Zach? Where are my girls?” Caroline asked, wanting the nurse to look her in the eyes. She’s avoiding looking at me, she thought. “The doctor will be in soon” the nurse said.
“What is going on?” Caroline asked. She could feel her fear, ice down her spine even as she was starting to sweat. Panic blooming in her chest.
A police officer walked in, holding a cup of coffee with the lid off.
“Oh she’s awake. Walk away for one min to get some joe.” He said, shaking his head. He looked young, shirt wrinkled. Not quite overweight yet but will be in a couple of years, she thought. She noticed a wedding ring on his finger.
“Where’s my husband Zach?” She asked him. “Please someone tell me something. Where are my babies?” She could feel it, the panic still gripping. She could feel dread set in.
The officer looked at the nurse, confused. He pulled a clipboard out from under his arm and looked at it. Then looked back at her.
“I don’t see anything about a husband and kids?” He asked the nurse.
“The doctor’s on his way over here” the nurse replied, not looking at Caroline. “Her mom was listed as her next of kin on hospital records. We called and left a couple of messages.”“Where’s my family?” Caroline asked again, starting to cry, her mouth and face hot and painful. Neither the nurse nor the officer responded, both looking down as the cop sat on a chair next to the bed. The nurse checked the bags hooked up to her arm, then left the room.
She looked down at her hands, the nails a soft pearl color. They were polished. She remembered getting them done, running out on lunch break from the office. She walked there and almost got her heel stuck in a crack on the sidewalk outside of the skyscraper the nail salon was in. Wait, my office she thought, remembering walking down the street in the morning on the way into work with all of the other commuters, existing the train. Buying a pastry from the patisserie and eating it as she walked.
She looked at the cop, and saw the lamp from her house on the end table next to him. The writing on the front was not there any more. It didn’t look like a lamp she’d ever seen in a hospital before. She started to sit up, ignoring the pain in her arms and around her stomach. The throbbing of her head. She needed to look at it, to touch it. It rippled again. Silver underneath. Industrial. Like a hospital lamp she thought.
“Kelly. Kelly. Kelly” She realized the cop had been calling her. Kelly? Her brain felt like it was on fire.
“What is happening Officer?” She said out loud.
I’m Caroline aren’t I? But wait, my name is Kelly, she thought. Memories of being Caroline. Her siblings, meeting Zach. Falling in love. It wasn’t real. Her head. “I can’t take the pounding” She said out loud. Years of memories. Months of being pregnant. Her parents. The house she grew up in. The car that she was driving. The smell of the perfume she always used.
She looked down at her wrist, the hospital bracelet saying Kelly Anderson, 37 years old.
“Kelly, your blood alcohol level was tested” the cop said, flipping up the top sheet on his clipboard. A flash of memory from the night before, sitting at the bar with her tinder date. His hand creeping up her leg. She remembered saying “shots for us, please” to the bartender. She’d left her office after a long day and went straight to the bar downstairs, ordering a drink while waiting for her date. She realized she had the familiar feeling of her stomach burning, the acid from the alcohol giving her heartburn.
I don’t drink anymore, she thought, confused. Then she remembered that yes she did.
She didn’t have kids and she was not married. Her job was her only baby, and her husband was the bottle she took a long pull from every morning before she could even get out of bed. A 6am workout then into the office, sweating out the hangover before it could set in. The coke helping too.
The realization hit her. You were unconscious, she told herself. It was a dream. Even as she could feel Zach’s arm around her. The hugs from June and Grace before they left the morning before.
“You blood alcohol was triple the legal limit. You hit another car with three passengers, a man and his two children. The father is in critical condition. I’m sorry, the two children did not make it.”
She felt the air get sucked out of the room. I can’t breathe she thought, gasping like she was sucking oxygen through a tight straw.
“You are under arrest. You have the right to an attorney. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law…”
She put her head into her hands as the officer talked, her fingers cupping her forehead and dark brown hair.