Entry –
He and I used to be very close before he died. I used to walk with him when he was angry at his dad. When his father came home drunk, a citrus powder scent latched onto him, and pink lips stamped on his neck. He was no longer a husband to his wife but a father to their son.
I can’t tell you why that description of the other woman stuck to me when I was alone, it would crawl into my head. Crawling and thrashing through my memories.
I stare at him through my door window.
He used to have this brilliant smile. It always warmed me up whenever I saw it, when he showed it to me, or the times I snuck glances at him; it always made the butterflies jump around, making my head fuzzy, and my breath shrink. Right now as I stare at him standing there; a hole in my stomach grew and grew filling with dread.
Right now, as I look at him, that smile is not the one I longed for. It is a knowing smile it sees through my eyes. Through my thoughts, it sees my longing for him. It sees my unrequited hope for us to be. It knows my weakness, my weakest point. I know it is not him, yet I am only to hope It is him. Those cold eyes; those eyes used to be a warm brown, a beautiful color that glowed when it hit the light at just the right angle. My heavenly unrequited.
When we went to get his girlfriend flowers. He told me all about her in passing, yet I was able to ignore the thought of her existing beside him. He talked about her with such care and dedication. I hated it so much I wanted to scream no, please no! What act of inhumanity did I do in my past lives? What did I commit to deserve this hell? But another question arose in my head, one that I will never in my life ask: Why her?
Why does she get him in this way? His dedication to her. He wants not to hurt her, the same way others hurt him. The soft and delicate words to describe her existence next to his; the warmth he felt of her in his chest. The way he describes her in those divine emotions, his eyes; they are so heavenly to look at that the hell I stood through was worth it for that one look. Until it all hit me the setting of jealousy, the knowledge that he will never look at me the same way he looks at his lovers.
I realized around that time that he was my personal hell. The want to be next to him always hit me, yet the hurt and guilt I had ate me up. It made me hate myself as I realized I wanted to hurt his angelic relationship with that girl.
I thought that was all the suffering I would be put through. Of course, I was wrong, so wrong. As a kid, before my mom left us, my father told me not to enter the clearing. He said I could go anywhere in the woods but never go into the clearing. I, of course, asked him why.
He told me “There are things I can’t protect you from, your mother’s family is damned and can never have their ties broken from it, because your mother is damned, you are damned as our child”.
He left me with that knowledge, never elaborating on the subject; leaving for work the next moment. I wondered for a while why my father only told me this information now as Mom never talked about the woods openly.
The only reason why she started to talk about the woods was her want for me to get married at the clearing.
Once my father voiced his want to renew their vows. The want for a ceremony at that place commenced.
She gave the idea of a fairytale wedding. If only I acted on my feelings for my beloved then I would get my happy ending, the day I married they would have the ceremony on that plot of land. Tails kids would believe in seconds. It would have worked if she had only told me sooner, and she may have been freed from the damned.
Knowing later how she fell to the Damned.
Father had something to do with Mother. Father made Mother disappear into the clearing, to it.
He knew more about the damned than me. He and my mother would talk about it late into the night. Always talking about emotions, how it made Dad almost damned. And there talks about what it meant to be damned.
“The child that we made together will never be normal, our mistakes when we were younger, having it. It took most of the suffering from us. Now we only have to wait for it to fall,” my mother said in a commanding tone, staring at my father looking through him. She smiled with her glowing white teeth, framed by salmon colored lips. All my father did was look at his drink.
He then looked at my mother and smiled.
“Alright love”, he may have been smiling, but his eyes held no love, only the need for revenge because of her betrayal; not for mine but for his.
Before I knew what I know now, I thought Dad was good at reading Mom. He was always able to figure out what she was up to, always wearing the same coral colored lips and citron dusty perfume.
To me, there was nothing much to her. Since she left a few months after my conversation with Dad. I thought he told me this to prepare myself to be alone.
I wanted to visit the clearing so I did it when my father was not home. From the late mornings to the night, yet I would get scared. There was a feeling that fell on me, it was dreadfull. It would make me gag before I even got into view. There were times when I grew guts and had gotten closer. I would see figures they would walk around but they were reflective in the light. I would only get so close, I would stay a good distance away to be hidden by the forest brush. They looked so unnatural at times I would get the guts to visit them from the morning to midday. I never came back because the one and only time I visited the clearing at night.
The figures would combine and create a hideous thing. It had so many mouths all razer sharp. It had so many eyes all staring in so many directions it was a huge glob with teeth and eyes. It then molded itself making a Silhouette of a woman with beautiful pink lips and a hideous smile. “Jj-aa. k-kaa”, the thing slithered out in a monstrous tone it repeated the phrase until it croaked “jack-”.
I went running back to the forest. Back to my home unable to understand what I saw and heard. Time past until I came back to the land.
My father’s disappearance was the end of me.
I was a well established adult when my father ended himself. At that time, it was a few days after the funeral. I don’t remember that day well. I was the only one to be at the funeral as all my relatives were either dead or disowned my father for marrying my mother, an impure wedding with a bastard on the way.
He stayed in this small town and worked dead end jobs to put food on the table. Before he died, he told me what he did and what was going to happen to me.
Or at least he tried to apologize to me by blaming my mom for saying it could have me, to clear him and her of being Damned as he took her to the clearing. To not blame him for her decision of still trying to give me to it. That he only did the right thing as a man with a “ whore wife”. A man with nothing left.
A few days after that conversation my father disappeared.
I decided to do something I should not have done, I decided to re-look at the clearing from when I was a child. Thinking I might get the answers that the I was freed from the damned. That it left me since it had gotten both of my parents
Walking into the clearing gave me a euphoric feeling. It is as if I found a new beginning in my life.
I was wrong. The thing was there in a moment.
It shifted the metallic almost liquid of its body and moved towards me, bending itself wrapping around itself shifting its body into a human like shape; It formed into someone I once knew. It was my mom looking at me. I stopped and stared at her. It moved forward grabbing me with such force I fell into her chest as she hugged me. “My Jackie, “ the thing that looked like my mother. It said in such a sweet tone I almost accepted her, almost surrendering myself to it.
I quickly stopped and stared at it, looking closely at its eyes. The metallic teeth pulsing; contorting until they slowly started to push at her eye warping it pulling and pushing at the surface of her eye. until the pressure won and finally stabbed through her eyes. I fell to the ground as the thing started to unmold itself of the shape of my mom screaming in my mom’s choked voice it screamed: “ Take my Jackie.! Take Them, Please don’t take me!”. As the thing was screaming at me, I pushed at it as it continued to scream at me. It hailed me up now in its metallic shape. It pulled me towards it until my lips touched its surface resting on them, it warped around me crawling over my mouth. I felt my mind scramble as I felt it try to take me but it could int so it took my flaw.
It threw me back onto the ground frustrated with a revelation. It looked so maddened by my information. Until it smirked, grabbing my neck and started squeezing. My nails tried to find purchase on the thing trying to get it off my neck. It formed a large cheshire cat smile on the warping flowing body. It surrounded my head and tried to take my life, it quickly screeched in a haunting voice. Growling in a loud voice that it could not “ take take take take”. It backed off still keeping its hands on my neck. It still was choking me out and I saw darkness on the edge of my eyes. It looked at me and screamed something before my world turned black.
I ended up back at my house, and I woke up alone. I locked all the windows and doors. I ended up staying at home. I’m trying to call someone, the police, my coworkers, and him. I could not get a hold of anyone. All I could do was cry as I knew what was coming. I knew what it got. And I was right. He looked at me. All I could do was cry out more pleas. As Blake looked at me, no, it looked at me and said in Blake’s voice “I missed you, I missed you so much”. It says as it opens its arms, waiting for me to come out and be embraced with a hug. It waited for me to come running to him.
It looked at me now, going back to a smile, trying to mimic what Blake last spoke. “Dad! Dad, is that you, Dad? I missed you, I missed you so much,” a scream cut through and gurgled out. Its mouth contorted looking at me, a half moon smile forced itself to fit on Blakes’s face, it opened its mouth and gutted out “It is only a matter of time after all you are damned by both your mother and father. Thank your mother for this revelation after all she promised you to me”
I only have so much time till it comes back, it will want to use the union for my fall. It knows I am just like my parents. I’ll fall because of emotions.