Gavin…
Hungry…
I was awake.And I was … still myself?
I jumped up quickly and looked at my hands, unfamiliar and black, curled claw-like fingers.No!It had happened, I had changed.But, then, how could I still think?I still had my memories.Memories of…this past year…
It started a few months ago. It all went down so fast, before we knew what was happening, it had already devastated most of the world. It was a zombie apocalypse, just like the one we used to love writing about.
Only, they weren’t zombies.
Was it a virus? Who could say, really. All we knew was it was spreading fast, and they were deadly. What used to be our friends, families, loved ones, neighbors.
If you came in contact with one, there was only a slim chance you would get away. And if you managed that, you were definitely bitten. Infected. Doomed.
These things, they completely devoured any humans in their path with such ferocity. All in terrifying silence. That was one of the many reasons that made them so deadly - these things made no sound. Not when they walked, not when they ripped apart a human being, not even when they came barreling into your home or stronghold. They were completely silent.
If you survived the attack, you were next. It would take 3 to 5 days to transform. Your body would become thinner and thinner - until your ribcage was visible. Your skin would become black. Your back would contort so you could walk on 2 legs as well as 4. Your skull would enlarge, growing out around your nose and mouth to give you a horrific pseudo snout. Horns would protrude from your elongated brow, each set unique. Your teeth would be sharp, uneven, jagged. Your tongue would grow too large and hang out, your lower jaw wouldn’t grow as much as the top, to give you the appearance that you didn’t have one at all.
And then your eyes would bulge, yellow tinted and tiny pupils with no iris. Never blinking.
The skin around your enlarged head would be so stretched under your skin, it would be almost see-through - almost like you could see the thick skull underneath. You would be terrifying. And like the zombies in the horror movies we used to watch, you’d be a mindless husk that did nothing but eat.
These monsters would hunt alone or in small packs. On all fours when ready to pounce or give chase. But never making a sound.
They destroyed most cities and spread quickly. Because it took so long to change, many people thought they were special. If they hadn’t changed by the 5th day that they were fine, maybe immune. But, eventually, they all changed if they had been bit. People would lie about it for shelter, only to end up devouring the people that took them in.
Unlike zombies, shooting them in the head did nothing. Their skulls were so thick, bullets bounced off. They seem to only die from starvation or a fatal blow to their thin neck or chest area. They are always hungry - they will die if they go two full days without eating.
I was living with a group of people in a converted barn. My sister and Gavin - among others - had a plan to hide out until eventually the monsters starved to death. We had heard most other surviving groups were doing the same. Gathering all the resources, hunkering down in a secure place, and waiting. We had set up trip wire around our perimeter to set off an alarm - the only way we could know if one was coming before we were able to see it.
But supplies never last as long as they’re supposed to.
We had only gone on a quick scouting trip to see if we could find anywhere close by with more resources, but that was enough to get the attention of a few of these things. For some reason, they didn’t set the trip wire off - only the very last one was triggered. But, it was pointless by that time, it was too late.
I watched friends get brutally torn apart and eagerly devoured, I was screaming and running and begging to live. I thought I had made it; I was so close. But not close enough.
I had felt the sharp teeth sink into my left hand and right thigh forcefully. I screamed in pain, but as their teeth sunk deeper into my skin, I began to feel a numbing sensation. I began to calm down. I began to relax.
Then suddenly, a gun shot rang out and hit both of the monsters to my right and left. I collapsed to the ground and was dragged to safety by Gavin, my Gavin. I was so relieved. But, only for one fleeting moment. That moment was the last time he ever would look at me like the woman he loved and not a monster.
Instantly, the remaining group members turned on me. It was obvious I had been bit. I suddenly realized why all the other infected people would hide it or lie. It’s traumatizing enough to know that everything that is you will cease to exist, but your body will live on and do damage you would never dream of doing. I begged to stay, even just for 3 days, just until I changed. Like so many others before me, I said, “Maybe I am special. Maybe I won’t change!”
It’s the desperation that makes you say it. It’s the fear that makes you believe it.
No one was buying what I was selling, however. They barely let me argue my case. They forced me out like an angry mob. I looked to Gavin for support. Surely, he would want to spend my last few hours together. Surely, he would want to be delusional with me. Surely, he would fight for me! But he just lowered his gaze to the floor and turned away. He couldn’t even face me at my own funeral.
I left, terrified and heart broken. That was 3 days ago.
I woke up this morning feeling normal. If I had been blind, I never would’ve known I had changed at all. But when I saw my hands, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was gone. I was an animal.
Only, I wasn’t gone.
I backed up against a tree and kept reciting my name and birthday to myself, over and over. I tried to speak, but no sound came out. I was completely silent. So, I thought. I spoke to myself in my head. I listed all my favorite foods, my family’s names, the alphabet, and all the presidents I knew. I went through all my favorite memories from when I was child. My 13th birthday party, my first car, the day I got married…
Gavin!
I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I was no longer capable of it. My body had changed, but my mind had not. Why? Why was I still me? Maybe…Maybe I actually was special. Maybe I was partially immune. Maybe I could somehow end this nightmare. Because if I could spread this sentience to the other infected and they retained their semblance of selves, they certainly wouldn’t be eating their loved ones, right?
Eat…
It was then I realized how hungry I was. I mean, I hadn’t eaten in 2 days. I had been wandering the woods, waiting for my life to be over. But the hunger pain increased tenfold every few minutes. It began to hurt, there was a burning in my stomach, a pang of emptiness that I could not leave unsatisfied.
It was then I noticed my sense of smell. It was powerful. I could almost see pictures with my nose. And I was smelling the most wonderful thing. I could tell it was a human - but when I thought of a person, all I could imagine was my most favorite food. The best dish I had ever eaten. And the hunger was enhancing it all. I began to drool, and it didn’t even bother me, because all I could think about was eating. The thought excited me in ways I could not explain. Every single pleasure receptor in my brain was going off.
Before I even realized it, I had been running. I needed to satisfy myself. It was like the most persistent itch and then anticipating the best scratch of your life.
I slowed down when I could sense I was close. I paused for a moment to look him.
Gavin!
It was Gavin! Here he was!I was even more excited now!Here was the person I loved more than anything!
I felt hungry, happy, drunk, and incredibly excited all at once. It was an indescribable feeling.
It was like I had no impulse control. I saw my love and I wanted him. I wanted to hold him so tightly! I wanted…I wanted him to be inside of me!
He was going to be so happy when he realized it was me!
I couldn’t wait to show him that I was different. That I was still me, even though my body had changed, and my voice was gone. I just knew he would still love me. I knew he would feel how happy I was and how much I loved him.
Hungry…
I was starving - starving for attention! I couldn’t hold back anymore, I needed to wrap my arms around him and show him how much I loved him.
Gavin…
I wanted to share this pleasure with him. I was buzzing with ecstasy! I was even a little aroused, if I can admit that.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I pounced. I leapt at him with all my might. We fell to the ground, and he began to scream. Scream with joy, I bet!
I sunk my teeth into him. I don’t know why I did this, but I was instantly flooded with a larger burst of serotonin. Oh my God, it was amazing! It was like having sex, getting high, and eating the best tasting food you’ve ever had. I was spinning with pleasure and twitching with exuberance!
He must’ve been feeling it as well, because he calmed down after I bit him. It was just a love bite, after all. He clearly was enjoying himself. He had gotten my message! He had known it was me!
I continued to love on him. I lost track of time. I was just so happy!
I think I even blacked out for a while, because suddenly I had calmed down, like I was coming down from a very strong drug. I was still licking Gavin with my tongue lazily and holding him in my hands. But I was also still on top of him.
Wait…why am I doing this?
I looked down at my hands and realized I wasn’t holding Gavin anymore; I was holding a bone. I stood up and dropped it. I had been so drunk with happiness; I was absent mindedly licking a bone? Gross.
I turned around to wake Gavin up, hopefully out of his happiness stupor as well, so I could try and communicate to him about the next steps. Clearly, he understood it was me and I was still myself, so we had to figure out a way to help the others-
I froze.
I was surrounded by bones.
And Gavin was nowhere to be seen. Until I spotted his head. It still had hair on it, but that was the only part of him I could see. And it was not attached to a body. I shakily spun his head around and screamed. I screamed and screamed but no sound ever came out, not even a whimper.
His face had been partially devoured.
I realized the bones were all his. I was licking Gavin’s bones. I had eaten Gavin and enjoyed every moment of it. Even thinking about eating him brought a small spark of that intense excitement back. I shook my head.
No…
No, this can’t be true!
Why? Why did I not lose my mind? Why did I still eat the person that I loved when I was fully aware?
I have never felt so frustrated. I wanted to cry. I tried to cry and wail and howl. But my new body was not equipped with tear ducts. I couldn’t express my utter anguish. And the shame and guilt I was feeling about how much I enjoyed ripping my lover to shreds and chewing on his flesh. It was the best feeling I had ever felt. And I hated myself even more when I began to feel the urge build up that wished I could do it again. I WAS a monster!
I looked up suddenly and I saw more monsters starting to surround me. I was terrified at first. But now, they looked different to me. They no longer looked monstrous and horrifying. They looked sad. Their eyes were not bulging, their pupils were normal sized. They looked at me with understanding and pity. And then it all hit me.
I was not special.
There were 5 of us total. including myself. We looked at each other, and without words, communicated our stories. None of us wanted to kill or hurt anyone. But the hunger…the hunger forced us to. We were powerless against the doped-up feeling we got from smelling a human. Especially one we used to know. We needed to eat. We needed to love.
We sat there with each other, quiet acknowledgement of our cursed lot in life. I had just eaten the most important person in the world to me. And I couldn’t even feel bad about it.
We all perked up suddenly when a familiar smell crept through the air.
Hungry…
Starving!
We all got down on all fours again and started to shake with excitement. Humans were nearby! Humans that smelled so amazing, we just needed to hold them, squeeze them, and eat them. I was sure this next person would be my real true love. And I wanted them so badly!
I took one last look back at Gavin. I crept over to his remains and picked up one of his large bones in my mouth.
I told myself it was for sentimental reasons, so I could keep a piece of my first love with me always.
But the truth was, I needed a snack for the road.