A few things about me. I am 36 years old and I work from home as a full time computer programmer. I think the most important thing to know about me though is how big of fan I am, well was, of the TV show Friends. For my fellow stans out there, my horoscope is 100% Monica. If you know… you know.
Like most Millenials I cut the cable cord years ago. I am a full time streamer. Unfortunately, I have found more and more that popular classic shows move too frequently from streaming service to streaming service or only offer a small selection of episodes. This ongoing frustration had me itching to find a solution for a way I could watch Friends over and over again without interruption…
Don’t judge me… I see you SVU stans.
This ever evolving frustration had me searching for a solution. Then, I remembered an ancient technology that could help me. Physical media. That is right young ones, back in the days of yore there were these circle discs called DVDs that we would put into a reading device that would “steam” it to our tv sets. Earth shattering I know!
Anyway, I am a major media whore so I cannot have anything below a 1080 presentation. HD is the only way of life! I shopped around for a while on Amazon, Best Buy, etc… everyone had a complete collection on Blu-Ray but they were all over $100!
Umm that was not happening
After much frustration I finally found something on ebay. Exact same set I was eyeing on the more expensive sites but only $20! A deal too good to be true I would soon find out.
I had been anxiously waiting for my package for a few weeks. I am not sure where it originated from but it took much longer than it should have if it originated locally. When the package finally arrived everything but the packing material looked normal. The box set was in two boxes. The first box was a regular brown box with a label on the top and tape on top and bottom, but there was a second box inside it. The second box had strange symbols on it. Nothing I had seen before. Some of the letters looked germanic, so cyrillic, and even a few hieroglyphs. To make it extra creepy, the box was sealed with red wax. Yeah not tape, but red wax. Honestly it was an effective seal, but I was just concerned it might have damaged my purchase.
When I finally broke the seal and opened the second box I got my prize. Inside I was happy to find my light blue box set of Friends. It had 3 clam shell cases, 21 discs, and a guide to each episode in the season. So far it all met expectations. Now the true test. I popped disc one into the blu-ray player and pressed play.
As the disc was loading there was an odd grinding noise coming from the machine. I have heard discs make weird noises in the past so I didn’t pay much mind to be honest. After a few moments a screen popped up with a consent page. I thought this was really odd, but didn’t really read what it said, pressed accept and finally got to the opening menu with everyone’s favorite theme song playing in the background.
Before pressing play I made some popcorn, grabbed a glass of malbec, and plopped down in my favorite chair to enjoy.
Season 1, Episode 1: The Pilot
I have seen this episode easily 100 times before. I have watched it syndicated on TBS, on HBOXMAX, old DVDs, and NetFlix. This pilot was not the same. It started off normal. It had the same introduction and same opening scene. It only started to go off the rails when Rachel came on set. In the original scene, Ross mentions he needs to get married again because his wife left him, and then Rachel comes in from out of the rain in a soaking wet wedding dress. In my version, the same setup happens but Rachel comes in drenched in blood. It all plays out the same but it is clearly blood soaking her dress. In the back window of the coffee shop there is a woman staring through the window, at least I think it is a woman. She stands still in the window obscured and is always in shadow with a large brimmed hat pointed down . All I can see is her blood red lips in a rictus grin as the scene plays out.
After watching that episode I knew something was very very wrong with this box set, but I could not stop the autoplay. Not that I physically couldn’t, but I wanted to know if this was a weird deepfake that the seller did as a joke in the first episode or if it continued.
Season 1, Episode 2: The One with the Sonogram at the End
In this episode, there were two moments where things were just wrong. In the later scenes Rachel goes to meet Barry at his dental practice to give back the ring. In the original scene Barry has a client in the chair who provides awkward but funny commentary. In my version, Barry systematically removes every tooth from the child’s head and hands each of them to Rachel which she then pops in her mouth and swallows. Every single one. With her mouth smeared with blood the scene finishes as normal. The other oddity was in the end credits. Rachel is on the phone with Mindy and during the conversation on the back patio the same grinning woman is standing staring at them.
At this point I am completely freaked out. I was clenching my teeth so hard I think I may have cracked a tooth. Either this is the most intricate deepfake joke of all time or something serious FUCKED is happening. Maybe I am stupid and I should have taken all of the discs and thrown them away then and there; but, like a car wreck on a freeway I had to keep watching.
Season 1, Episode 3: The One with the Thumb
Phoebe was supposed to find the thumb in her soda and be upset about it. In my version she pulls the severed thumb out and starts eating it like a chicken strip, and you guessed it our grinning friend showed up again. This time she was sitting in the cubicle staring at the camera as it panned down in Chandler’s office later in the episode.
I was so unnerved by the woman staring up that I inadvertently clawed my leather couch so hard my pinkie nail tore off. Up until this episode I honestly thought the grinning lady was pointedly staring at the characters. This episode helped me realize she was looking at me. I felt as though whenever I found her she was staring through me.
At this point I was past curiosity and in the throes of pure obsession. I started skipping around, looking into every disc and every season.
Season 2, Episode 3: The One Where Heckles Dies
This one started out messed up. At the beginning, Monica and Rachel hear a tapping on the ceiling by Mr. Heckles. In response, they start stomping down on the floor above him. This continues and the stomping gets harder and harder until Monica’s leg bone comes jetting out of her calf. She then starts to laugh to herself and continue to ram her mangled appendage into the floor. Her skin starts to tear at her legs and all she does is laugh maniacally. In the background, the grinning woman is standing in the kitchen window staring straight out at me.
In the course of a day I watched more than 100 episodes across 10 seasons. I have never been into horror or anything too gorey but for some reason I could not stop. I saw more carnage in the past 24 hours than any human should in the course of their life, and in each episode the grinning woman was there.
I have seen Monica shove her head in a turkey and then climb into a hot oven at Joey and Chandler’s apartment. I saw her skin blister as she stepped in and closed the door behind her.
I have seen Ross shovel down a trifle made from actual feet instead of ground beef. The look on his face as he choked it down will haunt me.
I have seen Monica in flashbacks as an overweight teen shoveling handful after handful of food into her mouth. Holding back tears she shoves more and more into her mouth. She vomits a few times and I was disgusted to watch her shovel even that into her mouth.
I am not sure where this box set came from, and I don’t know who the grinning woman is but I am now afraid that I invited her into my home. At this point I cannot stop watching the show. When my current disc ends I see the grinning woman standout of my own window or in the reflection of my television. She only goes away when I am watching the show. As long as I am watching her “art” I don’t think I am in trouble.
I am watching the season finale tonight. I get the feeling once I have watched every episode she will have no choice but to show me her talents in person.