They are after me. I don’t know exactly what they are, but I can tell you this: If they catch me, I am a goner. My only hope is that if they do catch me, that its over quick. I can’t go out like Carl did. Carl had it really bad. I don’t want to tell you exactly what they did to him, but I can assure you; it’s the stuff nightmares are made of.
I should have paid that bill. It was only a few dollars, and I could have afforded it. But I just had to buy more streaming services, games, and Chinese takeout (tipping your delivery person isn’t cheap you know). I wish I would have just budgeted better and paid that damned bill.
Poor Carl, poor him. He was a good man Carl was. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it (expect for his Goonies shirt, he loved that thing). Now, his apartment is empty all except for that parrot of his. Poor thing has probably plucked all its feathers out by now. I want to go over and get Joe, but I can’t risk it. They will be watching. Joe is such a loveable bird, a beautiful quaker parrot that Carl bought off a homeless guy down by the beach when we were in 8th grade. That was years ago.
Joe gets fed and all, he won’t die (I hope). I have been paying the landlord to go in and feed Joe, clean his cage, etc. I hope he is doing a good job. He is a testy cuss that old Mr. Garbolsinski. Yea, he is a tough character. He came over from Poland during the height of the cold war. The man came with the clothes on his back and now he is a wealthy property owner by day and polka band lead by night.
I shaved my head and have been wearing a fake beard, I hope the disguise works. I am pretty good about making sure that I am not being followed. I watched some cool podcasts that talk all about counter surveillance. I use the internet at a cafe and a VPN. They won’t find me using their fancy SIGNIT. Still though, I think if I would have just paid that bill.
It all started when Carl got a coupon in the mail. It was for a new Pizza joint that neither of us had ever heard of. I came over to his pad one night after a long, back breaking, day of doing nothing at work. We planned on playing video games, drinking Mountain Dew and eating pizza all damned night. “Holy smoked Carl!” I said as I entered his apartment. The smell was amazing.
On the table before me were stacks of pizzas. Pepperoni, Hawaiian, mushroom and onion, veggie lovers, he had it all. The boxes where different. On the top was a golden hand surrounded by a black circle. Above the image in red letters read: Golden Hand Pizza. We pigged out to say the least. It was some of the best pizza I had ever eaten, but boy did I regret it later. I shit something fierce the next day.
The next morning, after a bender of pepperoni, soda, and video games I was awoke by the sound of Joe chirping. Carl was sitting in front of the tv watching his favorite movie, The Goonies. “…Pizza…Pepperoni.” “Shut up Chunk!” oh I love this part. I thought to myself. “So, Carl, how did you afford all that pizza last night?” I asked, sitting up from the couch that had been my bed for the night. Carl turned around with a slice of pepperoni and jalapeño in his hand. “Oh, that’s right, I never told you.”
Carl filled me in on the whole thing. He had got an advertisement in the mail and had to sign up for a special one-time offer. “All the pizza you can eat for only $10.99 a month! Jokes on them, I’ll eat them out of business.” Carl said, face stuffed like a chipmunk. I had to get in on the action. I ended up signing up right then and there also. I got out my phone and created an account. “Oh, there is just one more thing.” Carl added.
Turns out, they have to interview you, it’s like a background check. “Yea, they strap you down in this chair and hook you up with these wires, it’s pretty cool…” Carl said. Whatever man, as long as iam getting these pizzas, I could give a fuck.
They came the next night. I had just laid down to go to bed when the doorbell rang. “Mr. Hugh Racion?” A voice came from the door. “Mr. Hugh G. Racion?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I gave a false name. Huge erection. “Be right with you!” I replied.
The interview was easy. It was two men. One was short and portly; the other was tall and lanky. They looked normal enough. The had pins on their lapels. Order of the Golden Hand, pretty official looking I thought as I sat strapped in the chair the one of the men had brought. “So, what’s the deal gents? Going to ask me my deepest darkest secrets?” The said nothing.
After what seemed like an eternity strapped to the metal chair, they took the wires off my head and produced an official looking document. “Just formalities.” The taller gentleman said. “Sing here, here, and here.” The portly gentleman produced a pen and I signed. “Congratulations Mr. Racion, here is your member card and remember, your dues are due on the 15th of every month” The fat one said with a grin.
The next weeks where pure bliss. I must have gained ten pounds with all the pizza I consumed. After a while, I got sick of eating pizza and started ordering Chinese again. The weeks turned into months, and I forgot the whole thing. Mistake number one
Carl came over one night, wrapped in a cast from head to toe. “Carl, what happened to you!?” Oh nothing, just forgot to pay my dues. What dues? “You owe a bookie money or something, geez Carl, you look like shit.” I said, putting down my controller and looking at my friend who now looked luck an Egyptian Mummy from some cheesy old horror film. Then it hit me. What was today’s date?
It was the 16th of January 2023. Late! My heart raced as I picked up the phone, trying to login to my account with Golden Hand Pizza. “Sorry, your account has been disabled.” The sight read. Then I heard a knock at the door.
They came in, first the tall one, then the little one straggling behind him. They took away Carl first, oh poor Carl. Why didn’t you pay two months in a row? It was quick, but it was not painless. They capped me in the knees with a baseball bat. I am not sure if it was the tall one or the short fat one, but it hurt so bad. Now I walk with a limp. Carl had it much worse. I won’t go into it. It’s too much to relive.
“Why, oh, why did you not pay your dues Mr. Racion?” The tall one said as I lay on the floor crying in pain. “Next time you will be like your little friend Mouth over here!” Who the fuck is Mouth? I remembered; it was Carl’ favorite character from his favorite movie. I was in trouble now.
It’s been a little over a week since the Order of the Golden Hand came a calling. I hope they don’t find me. I have been hiding out. Time will tell. For now, my heart weeps for my friend, all that is left of him is the tattered Goonies shirt he loved so much…and his bird, Joe. Wish me luck and whatever you do, don’t sign up for anything that seems too good to be true, especially if its pizza.