The first Monday in October was a shitter of a day. Up there with the worst I have had.
It had started off reasonably normally albeit I was woken up with the drilling noise of my wife’s alarm. Let me tell you that woman sets an alarm every five bloody minutes- she really does hate mornings. When I turned over to admonish her for the shitty way to start my day, I realised that she had already arisen. Finding her phone underneath her pillow I went to stop the incessant noise when I also saw a message had popped up on her home screen. “Can’t wait to taste your pussy again today”. Up to this point I was bleary eyed with sleep, but this woke me up. I tried to flip up the home screen and enter the password but her usual one had been changed. I suddenly heard her coming back into the bedroom and for some reason I just put the phone back under her pillow.
“Sorry babe, I heard the alarm, did you turn it off”.
Still in some daze I said that it had turned itself off. I had turned over on my side not knowing what to do or say when she grabbed her phone. I waited for her to say something, try to explain the message that she may have thought I had now seen but nothing happened. She came over to my side of my bed, kissed my cheek, and left.
“See you tonight baby, let me know if I need to pick up anything on my way home. Oh, and don’t forget I’m going to be a couple of hours later- going for that quick drink with the girls”.
And with that she was gone.
I replayed that interaction for the rest of the morning, that was until the shit continued to pile on me. I received a letter from the tax man letting me know that I owed them as they had miscalculated my tax code, a speeding ticket also landed simultaneously on that mat, and a bunch of other mail that I failed to look at due to my despondency.
I continued with my work. At least I had the benefit of working from home and would not have to deal with interacting with others. I doubt very much that I could have put on any sort of demeanour that would not have betrayed the mood I was in. Nonetheless the work was unrelenting. I just needed a fucking break. I needed to think properly. Who was messaging my wife and why the fuck were they talking about her pussy. Just as I tried to remember who the message was from my zoom notification popped up. Barry from accounts wanted to talk. Probably needed the spreadsheet that I had promised him two days ago. I let the call ring out. Barry would have to wait until I got a coffee and reviewed the work I had left to do. It was not the first time that I wished that I could just pause time and catch up with everything.
Returning to my laptop I entered my password as the screen had gone idle. As I waited to see my email inbox a pop up flashed on the screen. Oh, fucking great. I had contracted a virus. As I was about to click on the x and restart the red flashing words seemed to pulsate more vigorously-
“Need more time? Need more time?
Life getting too much?
Do you just need a second to yourself?
Just a second, or maybe a minute?
We have the solution!!
START
Well of course we all need a second. Damn it I could do with an hour, maybe two and I could fit in a nap. Shaking my head, I ignored the red start button and looked for the x but there wasn’t one. Of course, there wasn’t. These hackers were getting better and better. I went down to the glass pain box clicked it and pressed restart. Waiting for the start up was tortuous. Ironic that something promising more time would lead to less.
When I logged in my email box was not there. Just that bloody pop up. Frustrated, and increasingly angry, I restarted the laptop 5 more times. Each to no avail. I was about to say fuck it to the day but then realised that spreadsheet for Barry really had to be completed so I pressed the START button. Yes, yes, I can hear your judgement- but come on it had been a shitty shitty day and I just need to clear something of this desk.
The next screen that popped up was one of those that look like you have won the Nigerian Lottery. CONGRATULATIONS shimmied across the screen, still in the awful eye hurting red, and looking like the whole thing had been made with ClipArt. After the dancing words abated, or timed out, the following message filled up the whole screen, still in shocking red.
CONGRATULATIONS
You are a winner!!!
We are giving you the gift of time. But this is a one time only deal and we will know if you have accepted our generous and kindly offer.
We do not ask any money from you, kind sir, just your gratitude is more than enough for us!
You are now part of an elite group of select people. Time is now in your control. So, whenever you need to take a break just follow these exact directions.
Finally, to come out of your own timely paradise just say the word NON TEMPUS and it will be like you were never away.
N.B. This should go with out saying but if you tell anyone of this prize it will no longer be yours to enjoy.
PRESS END
Reading the page, I think I laughed out loud. But I pressed END and my computer appeared as if nothing had ever been on the screen except for the deluge of increasing emails in my inbox. I could even see three from Barry, the high importance flag flashing and the subject box emboldened by being in caps lock. I clicked on the spreadsheet and realised that I wasn’t even halfway completed. Feeling like I had nothing to lose I followed the instructions I had been given. After saying OTIUM I looked around. Nothing was any different. Well of course it wasn’t, I hadn’t really expected it to be but hey, it was worth a shot!
I looked at the spreadsheet and began entering the details. At least if I got it done Barry could bitch but he would have what he needed. An hour seemed to pass, and I was about the email the spreadsheet when I noticed the time on the clock. 2.34. It couldn’t possibly be 2.34 I had been working on this for ages. Nevertheless, I attached the spreadsheet to the email and waited for it to send. Nothing happened. Brilliant – just fucking brilliant that virus must have penetrated something. Probably like that dude’s tongue on my wife’s pussy. Fuck fuck fuck.
Getting up I turned on the tv, nothing but static, I loaded up reddit, would not refresh. You get the picture. Nothing worked. Probably like how my wife sees my cock. Unworking, unusable, replaceable. I saw the clock on the mantle piece. 2.34. What in the actual? It was then (yeah, yeah I clearly am slow) that it dawned on me. Time had stopped. To say I started to laugh would be an understatement. I fucking nearly fell on the flaw with a fit of the giggles I had not experienced since I was a boy. Time had stopped. TIME HAD STOPPED. Grabbing a piece of paper, I wrote down the instructions from the pop up and then said NON TEMPUS aloud. The TV seemed to blast out noise making me jump and, when I returned to my laptop, I could see the email was sending, and finally whooshed to Barry. Well fuck you very much Barry stick that spreadsheet up your arse. I then hid the instructions where Claire would never find them- with all the house information that she never bothered to look at the first time.
Despite the knowledge that my wife was with another man I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I had tested out the sequence a couple more times and every time the same thing happened. Time was in my control.
Shutting my laptop down for the day I began to think of all the newfound possibilities this power could give me. The actual number of hours I now had in my day was limitless. I would never be behind for a deadline or late for anything ever again. I felt all powerful. That was until Claire walked in and suddenly my joy dissipated.
“Hey babe, you eaten. I’m starved- I was just going to order something for us if that’s ok? Let me just jump in the shower yeah? Anything you want- it’s on me!”
Before I could even reply she had practically skipped to the shower. I sat practically agog. Not knowing what to say or do. When she returned, smelling of coconut and lime (and I assume not another mans jizz) I still had no idea what to say.
“Chinese ok, just put in an order, got your favourite” she moved closer to me on the sofa, kissed my cheek, like this morning, and asked how my day had been.
“Oh, you know, same old shit- Barry pissing me off again, yours”
“Oh good good – Sherry thinks she’s found the man of her dreams, you know, the man of this week more like” She laughed at her own bad joke.
“Many girls go tonight- “I didn’t even get to finish before she got up as her phone rang-
“Sorry babe, just got to take this – work you know how it is….”
Of course, I knew how it was, but I knew it wasn’t work. She never smiled when her work called. In fact, she mostly ignored the calls- especially after work hours finished. I needed to know who this great pussy eater was, but time was on my side now. There would be no rush. And when I found out what was going on I would have the time to deal with it.
When I awoke the next day, I felt Claire’s arm over my body. I wanted to feel hate, anger, but for those couple of minutes I decided I wanted to not plough into it right now. Surrounded by her warmth I closed my eyes until the blaring of her alarm surrounded again. As she moved to turn it off, I remained still, my breathing deep and slow. When I heard her go to the shower I checked for her phone, she had taken it with her, and I flopped back on the pillow. I know I could stop time and check in the shower, but I would need to find the passcode first- and that would take more than time.
For the first time in a long while she seemed to get ready whilst doing as little as possible to wake me. I pretended to be asleep until she left. 8.05. I should really get up and get ready myself, but the bed was so warm. I decided I could do with some time now, went through the process, and afforded myself the luxury of a lie in. Hours drifted by until I decided that it really was time to get on with the day. I said NON TEMPUS and began my routine safe in the knowledge that lunchtime could be as long as I wanted.
I think I stopped time three times that day, I felt refreshed. I could relax, eat, and sleep as much as I wanted. I made some half attempts at finding the names of who Claire could be seeing but the lure of nothingness was too enticing. I promised myself that I would do better tomorrow. But you see I didn’t do that either, or the next day, and yes, you’ve guessed it kids- the day after that. I walked, I slept I read old books, I wrote in my journal. Having all this time helped put the relationship with my wife in perspective. Yes, it was nice to have someone around but was it really that important in the grand scheme of things? Was it as important as being the architect of my own schedule?
This continued for days and then weeks. The time I was in the real world may have been 24 hours, but my other time was far far longer. You would think it would get boring, and to a degree it was, but then I just would return to my bed, lazing, sleeping and luxuriating in the nothingness.
It must have been two months after that pop up that I realised how much I had been spending in The Other. That’s what I called it now. It was nicer there. There were no emails, no Claire, no need to do or be anything at all. The hobbies that I began pursuing again with vigour dissipated quickly. You see the more time you have to sleep the more you want to. The more you want to do absolutely nothing. After a while I even failed to care about Claire and the great pussy eater. In the end what did it matter what she did when I wasn’t there. I had a whole other thing that didn’t involve her anyway.
The lethargy did seem to seep into my real time. Ironically, even with all the time in the world, I fell behind on deadlines and commitments. I knew that I should care but I didn’t. I had The Other. Claire would leave in the morning, failing to even acknowledge me now, and I would stop time. I would sometimes set a stopwatch- see how long I was really out for but even that became too arduous. Did it really matter?
After six months after finding my paradise, I was looking in the mirror. I seemed to have aged an inordinate amount. There were grey hairs sprouting where there had been none before, and lines sprinkling under my eyes. If I had spent six months in real time, I dread to think how many months, or even now years, had really passed. Claire was packing the bedroom. You guessed it between Mr Great Pussy Eater and her husband, who I don’t think I could get it up even if I could be bothered to try, had decided was enough was enough. I want to tell you I was sad- but I was relived. Pretending to want to be in the real world with her had become more hassle than it was worth. In fact, everything in the real world was more hassle than it was worth. Why be stressed by commitments when there was no need? Why push yourself for the promotion, the bigger house, the kids when there was something demanding nothing of you but your time.
See this is the thing with unlimited time. It really isn’t unlimited. Not for us anyway. We think we are infinite in the place where the clocks do not work but our bodies have no concept of watches or alarms. They carry on, they age- they decay. The mind, however, is different. It becomes acclimatised to the environment we give it in ways that we cannot appreciate. If we are given abundant peace and rest, we crave it more, it becomes a habit, a need, a desire.
After she had left, I went to the desk to retrieve some of the house documents I would need to go through to help with the divorce. But she had clearly got there first. My first emotion was relief- let her deal with this shit- but then it struck me. It didn’t just strike me- it hit me like sledgehammer. This is where I had put the instructions for stopping time. What if Claire read them, worse still what if she tried them. My paradise My Other, oh fucking shit.
So, Reddit, with sweat culminating at my temples I am asking for advice. I don’t have a fucking clue what to do. What if I can never go back or never come back? And more importantly, where the fuck did Claire say she was moving too?