Have you heard of the Piss Poss? Well, neither have I, until one day I encountered it. Please, take my story as a warning and do not do what I did that very fateful evening.
After a long day at wetherspoons (for you Americans, it is a British pub), I really needed a piss. So I walked the mile hike to the toilets (wetherspoons toilets are always far away) and entered the gents room. I walked over to a urinal, but they were all out of service. Strange. So I decided to go into a stall. But strangely, all but one were out of service. Not only that, but all lights but one were not working, and the one light that did work would flicker on and off every so often, irritating my eyes.
“Hmmmm…” I thought to myself, as I enter the only available stall. I lock the door to make sure nobody else comes, if they are desperate they will just have to wait.
I then pull my pants down, and whip out my willy to do my business. As I Piss away, the noise of the piss landing in the water was bizarre. It wasn’t the usual sploosh noise, it sounded like… a song. I thought nothing of it, I was drunk out of my mind after Chelsea won their football match and my mates and I had a bit too much to drink.
My Piss starts melodically bouncing off the walls, a faint chant echoes.
“I am the Piss Poss,
You will suffer loss.
Say bye to your willy,
Don’t be silly.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. My urine splashing sounded like a song. Surely it was the alcohol talking? As I finish my business to flush the toilet, the flush wouldn’t work. Instead, when I pressed the flush, the song played again, in a dark, creepy tone.
“I am the Piss Poss,
You will suffer loss.
Say bye to your willy,
Don’t be silly.”
My heart was racing, and willy still exposed, I had to get out of the stall. I turn around, willy still out pants, to unlock the door and get out of this cursed stall. But somehow, the lock was gone. And what was once a door, was now replaced with a concrete wall. There was no escape, and the echo of the tune kept getting louder and louder.
My heart was racing so fast I thought it would burst out of my hairy chest. I am a big lad, stuff doesn’t usually scare me, but this was something else. Surely this is because I’m drunk, right? I am just imagining this due to the overwhelming amounts of alcohol I had?
But suddenly, the song got so loud, I realise this isn’t fake. This is happening.
“I am the Piss Poss,
You will suffer loss.
Say bye to your willy,
Don’t be silly.”
I walked over back to the toilet, trying to see where the sound was coming from. My willy still out, I forgot to tuck it back in my pants, and all of a sudden, a eery hand appeared from the toilet ball. It was a large, yellow, boney hand. I froze in fear. What is this? Why is this happening to me? And before I could get another thought, the hand launched at my willy and tore it off. I screamed in pain, blood pouring where my willy once was. The pain was so unbearable, the last thing I remember was darkness, and the faint echo of a song.
“I am the Piss Poss,
You have sufferd loss.
I stole your your willy,
You were silly.”