“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
I was the only holdout in the group when the Serenity Prayer was spoken that night. The reasons for that are too numerous to count.
Still, there I was in the dingy church basement on a Thursday night. It was my first appearance in the group, but everyone had done their best to make me feel welcome.
I had just moved to town from Northern California and it was my first night in Miami. It had been three months and four days since my last drink. It had been almost exactly eleven months since I lost Allison. The worst eleven months of my life.
After dispensing with the opening formalities, the group’s attention turned to Lucy. She was a small woman in her late forties. Wisdom radiated off of her before she even spoke a word. After a moment, she broke the silence.
“We’re often focused on the things we can’t change, aren’t we? We’re locked into reliving negative experiences from the past we can’t erase. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because our experiences are all we have. In a way, they’re all we are…”
That was not exactly what I wanted to hear. Because if my experiences were all I was, then what did that make me? Lucy continued before I could contemplate any further.
“…but that doesn’t mean what happened to us has to haunt us forever. Oftentimes, our bad experiences can become positive forces for us, because we can learn the right lessons from them to free ourselves from the burdens of our past. It’s all about having the right mindset.”
There were scattered nods around the semicircle. The room was populated with all different types of walks of life. There were a couple men in suits. Others look like they just crawled off the street. Addiction doesn’t discriminate along class lines.
Lucy then turned her attention to me. Dammit. I knew it was coming.
“I see we have a new member joining us tonight.”
I extended a weak wave, not exactly inviting myself into the conversation.
“Would you care to tell us a little about yourself?”
As I looked around the room, other members of the group leaned forward in their chairs. As much as I wanted to object to Lucy’s invitation, as much as I wanted to stand up and leave, I remembered what Allison would want me to do. I remembered… that I was here for a reason.
“Umm, okay,” I acquiesced. “Hi everyone. My name is Trevor.”
The group repeated my name back to me in scattered unison. I took a breath, composing myself.
I explained to the group that I had been sober for a little over three months. I told them that I wouldn’t say that I’ve always been an alcoholic, but I’d certainly been through some very unhealthy periods of binge drinking. Fortunately, my wife Allison helped me get a handle on that years ago. But after she died… it came back. And it got really bad.
My words caught in my throat. I could feel a wave of sympathy pass through the group. They understood. Lucy interjected.
“You don’t have to tell us this if you don’t want to, Trevor. This is a safe space. You only have to share what you’re comfortable sharing.”
I realized that was my out. But I was too deep into this now. And to be honest, I needed to get it off my chest. But I couldn’t look at the group while I said it. I turned my gaze downward, closing my eyes as I became lost in my world of tragic memory.
I started at the beginning. I told everyone how I had met Allison when we were just kids. She moved in across the street, and I just knew instantly that she was the one for me. We ended up going to the same junior high, her mom was our sixth-grade teacher. Even she knew how smitten I was. Everyone did.
I told the group how Allison and I dated on and off over the next few years, but there was never anyone else that stood a chance for either of us. When it was time for college, we both decided to go to Miami together. That was why I decided to move back here after she died. We had so many good memories here. It was the right place for a fresh start.
College was the first place where Allison noticed I had an issue with alcohol, I told them. But she got me straight. And I realized, with her, it wasn’t really something I needed.
I still hadn’t looked back at the group, the most painful part of the story was still coming up.
I explained that after college, Allison and I had moved around a bit until we settled in the Bay Area. Her father was sick, and we stayed with him until he passed. It was hard, but it brought us closer together than ever before. Allison’s dad left us his house, and we made a nice life for ourselves. She worked in PR. I was a teacher. It wasn’t the most exciting life. But it was ours. And it was good.
Finally, it was time to delve into the tragedy of it all. I shut my eyes even more tightly.
“And then one weekend I decided we should do something romantic. I rented a place in Napa. We went out for dinner. For some reason, I decided it was okay to have a few drinks. A few more than I should. Allison asked me if I was sober enough to drive, and I said yeah…”
I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the specifics of what happened. I couldn’t tell them about how I desperately tried to revive her as the light faded from her eyes before the paramedics even arrived. I couldn’t tell them about her last words: “I’ll see you again, Sunshine.” I’d never told anyone that.
Still, I continued with my story.
“At the hospital, they checked my blood. Point-o-six. I wasn’t drunk. But I still shouldn’t have driven.”
Words can’t express how painful it was reliving this experience. But I couldn’t deny that some part of the retelling was cathartic. I wondered if people in the group had noticed I didn’t participate in the Serenity Prayer, so I decided to address it.
“Look, I know that belief in God, or a higher power, is kind of a big thing here. Allison always encouraged me to give it a shot. I’ve tried, but I just can’t do it.”
I finally opened my eyes, but I kept them focused on the shiny linoleum floors. I decided to wrap it all up.
“Allison also said it wasn’t my fault. I can’t accept that either. But now, even though she’s gone, I’m trying to be better. For her. And that’s why I’m here.”
That was it, the whole sordid tale of my life. At last, I looked back up to the group members. I’m not sure what I expected. Everyone was so supportive when I first arrived.
But now, the atmosphere of the room had radically changed. Everyone, and I mean everyone, stared back at me in a stunned, speechless silence. There was even a hint of fear on some of faces of several of the attendees.
Not a word was spoken. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt ice running through my veins.
-–
The quiet ticking of the clock now sliced through the freezing quiet. Why wasn’t anyone saying anything?
“That… umm, I’m sorry,” I said, turning to Lucy. “Did I say something wrong?”
Lucy offered no response other than biting her lower lip. She furrowed her brow, seemingly searching for something to say but finding nothing.
After a moment passed, a small buzz of chatter picked up as the other AA members whispered amongst themselves. Slowly, they all turned toward the other end of the semicircle, focusing their attention on an angry man sitting right across from me. They waited with baited breath to see what he was going to say.
The man was tall, dark hair shorn tight against his scalp. His brow was furrowed, fists clenched. A toothpick dangled from the corner of his mouth. Despite myself, I locked eyes with him. And it was clear that he was staring back at me with murderous intent. I tried to make sense of what was happening.
“What did I do? What’s going on?”
The man cut me off before I could finish speaking.
“Who are you?” he coldly demanded.
“Excuse me?”
He angrily stood from the chair, rage coursing through his veins. His voice now exploded out of his body.
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”
My confusion was now replaced by terror.
“What…?”
“Why did you say all of that?!”
Lucy tried to talk the man’s anger down, but he was beyond reason.
“Is this some kind of sick joke?!” he barked at me.
“Is what a joke…?”
“Why the hell did you just tell this group MY LIFE STORY?!”
The man looked around at the group, demanding to know if one of them put me up to this. They each shook their heads wildly. I was now operating on pure reflex.
“Your life story… what the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
What had I gotten myself into? What was this place. I turned to Lucy, asking her what was going on? Is this how they greet new members? I just poured my heart out here.
The man continued to step closer in my direction, eyes still locked on mine.
“You’re telling me that you had a wife named Allison? That you met her when you were kids. Her mom was your sixth-grade teacher. You went to Miami together. You moved to the Bay Area to take care of her dad and then she died when you decided to be a romantic on the spur of the moment and took her to fucking Napa one weekend?!”
I stared back in bewilderment. “I… I mean… yes. That’s my story.”
The man now threw his chair across the room and lunged directly at me, grabbing my shirt by the collar. I could feel his hot breath against my face. There was no way I could take this guy in a fight.
Pandemonium unleashed in the room. Lucy and some of the others grabbed the man, prying him off of me. They tried to yell some sense into him. “Let him go, Vince. He’s not worth it!”
He screamed back to them. “I wanna know who the fuck this guy is!”
His eyes burrowed into mine. “Who are you?! Tell me RIGHT NOW!”
It was beyond clear this man had every intention of beating the life out of me. I backed toward the basement exit, pace quickening with every step until I turned around and broke out into a full sprint.
-–
Exiting into the humid night air, I bolted for my car. I fumbled for my keys in my pocket. Anxiety and confusion had my blood pressure skyrocketing. I mumbled to myself the only words I could find: “What the fuck, what the fuck, what fuck…”
Just as I unlocked my car, I heard the back door to the basement burst open. The man was rocketing toward me even as the AA members did their best to stop him.
I jumped into the seat, throwing the car into drive. I burned rubber onto the rain-soaked street, heart now beating a mile a minute.
As I looked into the rearview mirror, I saw the man jump into his own car. Headlights on, he peeled out into the highway, speeding after me.
“Jesus Christ!” I yelled.
With my foot on the accelerator, I picked up speed until I was traveling nearly seventy-miles-an-hour as we both frantically swerved around traffic. He was gaining on me, flashing his lights, honking his horn.
Trembling with fear, I fished my cell phone out of my pocket. I tried to call 911, but only managed to hit two numbers before the man’s car collided with my bumper. The phone flew out of my hand, and I was sent into a violent tailspin.
I did my best to yank the wheel into the skid, but only managed to come to an abrupt halt as my car slammed into a palm tree on the side of the road.
I was in a blinding panic now. I looked again into the rearview mirror to see the man’s car come to a half a dozen yards behind mine. I desperately tried to turn the ignition, but the car wouldn’t start for the life of me.
I scrambled to find my phone. In my periphery, I could see onlookers watching the chaos, some of them filming it on their own phones.
In the rearview, I could see the man grab a tire iron from his truck. This was it. He was going to kill me.
Finally, I spotted my phone between the seat and the center console. I shoved my hand down, wrapping my fingers around it. But before I could pull it out, glass exploded into my car.
The man grabbed me by my neck, pulling me out through the window with his hulking strength. He pinned me to the ground, unleashing blows upon me. Cars honked loudly as they passed.
“TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!” he bellowed.
“I told you. My name is Trevor. I wasn’t trying to upset you!”
“Bullshit! Why are you doing this?!”
I sputtered, struggling to breathe under the man’s weight.
“I’m telling the truth!”
The man pummeled me again. I was helpless. He was repeating himself now.
“Who are you?!”
“Stop, please stop!”
“Tell me the truth!”
“I am!” I screamed. “My wife… was Allison.”
“Liar!”
“She died in my arms…”
“LIAR!”
“I’d do anything to get her back…”
The man kicked me in the stomach. I was losing consciousness. Perhaps close to death. If Allison was right, maybe I would see her again. Still, I continued babbling to the man.
“And every night when I go to sleep,” I said. “I hear it over and over again…”
The man was about to slam my head into the ground, but I kept talking. I said the only thing I could think of: her final words.
“…I’ll see you again, Sunshine.”
To my total surprise, the man froze in place. He took a step back, letting go of me, jolted out of his fury.
“Where did you hear that?” he demanded.
“I lived it,” I muttered.
“No, you didn’t! I watched the light fade from her eyes as she said that. I held her in my arms until the paramedics showed up. I’m the one who lived an entire life with her. They had to pry ME off of her…”
The man was uncharacteristically holding back tears now.
“…and I’ve never told anyone what she said when she died.”
How did he know this? I desperately gulped for air as I caught my breath, managing just a few more words.
“Neither have I.”