“I don’t care what my previous clerk told you, we don’t exchange, and we don’t give refunds. All sales are final,” I said placidly. “If you’re unhappy with your purchase, I would suggest you use this as a time for reflection and take care not to pay for something that you don’t want in the future.”
The ogreish man-bro in front of me snarled and repeated the same fragmented speech they had been giving to my assistant for the past five minutes, preceding my intervention.
“As soon as I got home, it started singing and snarling so loudly I thought it was going to bite me! It shouldn’t do that!”
“Well, what did you do with it before it started making that noise? I’m more than happy to try and troubleshoot the problem, but as it says at the bottom of the receipt,” I said while pointing at the bolded and rather large text that read:
All transactions are final. Once money has exchanged hands, and the item has left the premises it is now your problem.
During this entire exchange, the small item in question sat between us idly, waiting to be picked up. Waiting to be looked at. Waiting…
I kept my hands nice and far away from it.
The man seemed to be completely unraveling: “I put it on after I bought it and thought it felt a little warm, then my buddies and I walked around the wharf for a while,” he chronicled with urgent accuracy. “I went home and showed it to my wife. It just started going crazy as soon as she touched it! It got so hot I could barely keep a handle on it anymore, and dropped it on the floor. It burned the carpet! So I tossed it into the sink and dumped water on it. It started singing louder after I got it wet, it was like it liked it.”
I sat patiently waiting for him to finish the story. When I didn’t offer any form of understanding he continued:
“What in the hell is that thing!”
I could hear the pendant on the counter whistle a little at the word “wife”, a tiny little shrill peep of anger. It knew better than to draw too much attention to itself. It had overdone it initially, and made a bad first impression. Now it was trying to stifle its yearning until it could form a more stable attachment. In dating terms, I’d imagine it had “come on a little strong”.
“It looks like a necklace,” I said noncommittally. I was tired and had immediately felt the aura of an abuser when we shook hands; hot and red with fury and black in the center. No wonder the pendant had picked him. It would be able to harvest quite a bit of energy.
The ogre gawked.
“Why don’t you look more concerned about this,” he half squealed, looking down at the tiny mermaid attached to the chain and jumping back at the sound. “It’s not everyday you sell a burning and singing necklace is it?”
Then the ogreish man-bro pulled himself to his full height, like a small flip-flopped bear that isn’t getting the picnic basket it asked for.
“Look, I bought it here,” he said in his biggest boy voice, “and if I get some kind of weird tumor from this hunk of junk I’ll take you to court. I have money, and I have influence in this town. You’re responsible for the items you sell in your store, and it would be a shame to take this nice little shop from you.”
You wouldn’t expect it, but in my line of work I get threatened pretty often. It kind of makes what I do a little easier to swallow.
“Why would I be worried? I didn’t buy the Siren, you did,” I replied. “She’s not my responsibility now. I will say it was probably a bad idea to introduce her to your wife, they get kind of territorial.”
I remembered the aura and continued: “Then again, I don’t know what kind of relationship you and your wife share. Maybe the Siren picked you for a reason.”
Confusion struck the ogre straight in the brain pan, and from the look of his face, it may have done critical damage.
“A Siren, what the hell is that? It’s a mermaid necklace,” disdain dripping from his voice. A knee jerk reaction from those that suffer from a half-brain affliction, and are allergic to the remedy of knowledge.
The pendant began cooing again, high pitched and ethereal singing that was barely audible. The ogre’s eyes locked with her, and I immediately saw the change. She had him now. A dreamy film slid over his visage, and his expression turned from confusion and hostility, to serenity instantaneously. There isn’t much more I had to do at this point, and I saw my opening.
“It seems you two have made up,” I said moving around the counter, taking his arm and turning him toward the door. “Why don’t you go somewhere and get to know each other. She seems to like you!”
I was but a cosmic fly in the vastness of his empty skull at this point. He was too busy rubbing his finger along the silver tail of the pendant and making googly eyes at his new precious to register anything.
“What did you say,” he asked me dreamily.
“Why don’t you guys go for a walk on the beach,” I urged, yielding to the ever present voice in the back of my mind.
The little demon that I’m forced to live with had seen an opportunity, prodded my patience with a nice big needle and injected me with a pretty healthy dose of malice. I knew the pendant would gain greater influence near the ocean. I knew that this poor dope was already toast, but the arrogance that exuded from this red-skinned, tank top clad Adonis like a thick fog had allowed me to misplace my giveadamn.
And there was the aura that had left the taste of gasoline in my mouth. I could feel how pleased the demon was to temporarily win our constant struggle, and the darker part of me enjoyed knowing he wouldn’t hurt anyone again.
“Yeah that’s a great idea! You… and me, strolling by the ocean! How perfect.”
The pendant cooed again, and the ogre placed the necklace back around his neck with astonishing nimbleness, like two arms wrapping themselves around his neck in an embrace, then closing around him with the silent click-click-click of manacles.
He turned back to me, thanked me, and opened the door to leave when I regained a foothold on my morality.
“Oh! Just make sure not to go swimming with her on, that wouldn’t go well for you,” I half yelled. Too little too late, he was past hearing any warnings now.
“That sounds great! Yeah! A swim does sound good right about now,” he said as he walked out. It was obvious that what I said had only spent a brief moment passing through his brain as it made its way into the ether.
The bell of the front door rang as it shut behind him, bookending our interaction, and it hung floating forebodingly, rubbing my nose in what I had done.
Maybe I’d better change it to a beeper.