I don’t normally complain when things go awry, but this was absolutely unacceptable!
It all started last year just after Thanksgiving. We had just gotten the call that my brother was coming home for Christmas, and he is from out of state. So this was big news and we needed to move up our Christmas by two weeks.
Needless to say my wife and I went online shopping the very next day and we expected to receive quite a few packages over the next few weeks.
At first everything seemed normal. I would come home from work and find a package or two on the porch. They would be gifts for the kids or for my brother and his wife.
Then on a cloudy December morning we received the first large package. I was at my desk at work and got a text from my wife saying that we just received a large package and she will need my help to lift it inside.
I sat there a little confused for a while. What could we have bought that was so heavy that she would need my help? My only thought was the PS5 bundle we bought my brother. But that wouldn’t be enough to need my help.
I arrived home at 5:03PM and pulled into my driveway. There laying half on the porch and half off the porch was a large and long box. It was roughly six feet long and about 3 feet wide. I couldn’t believe the size of the thing and thought to myself it must have been delivered to the wrong house.
Instead it had the correct address, name, and was sent certified mail by UPS. I scratched my head and just stared at it in disbelief. Then the thought came to me that I had to somehow get this thing inside.
My wife and I discussed what this could be and thought it would be best to check the return label to get a clue. We looked in the upper left corner and it read:
United Hospital and Medical Disposal [Redacted for legal reasons]
“What the hell?” I asked out loud.
My wife gave me a weird look and said that we shouldn’t bring that inside. She added that we needed to call UPS and have then pick this up.
I called that night and waited for almost an hour before I got a human being. Then this east indian dude told me that it was delivered to the correct address. I repeatedly had to tell him that we were not expecting anything from a hospital, especially something the size of a human being.
A human being?
The thought rang inside my head and wouldn’t let go. It haunted me and kept my mind racing with the worst thoughts imaginable. What if there was a body inside that box? No! It couldn’t be, they wouldn’t send a body to random person. I decided to not tell my wide for fear that she would freak out and have us room at the holiday Inn until the package was gone.
For the time being we decided to lift the package and place it in the shed next to our lawn mower.
Our friendly UPS agent called us back the next evening to tell us that we would need to send the package back to the return address. We needed to drive it back to the nearest UPS store ourselves. Normally I wouldn’t think much of it, but with something so huge and heavy I didn’t exactly want to lift that into the car. Not to mention I wasn’t exactly sure we could even fit it inside the car.
After a long day at the office I was done and needed me some Dad time.
The following afternoon was my last day of the week and I had planned on taking the package to the UPS store on Saturday. I had just read an e-mail from my GM when my wife called me. Not texted me, called me! I knew this was more serious and I needed to answer it immediately.
I asked what was the matter and she was frantically telling me that two more large boxes had been delivered to our house from the same address. I told her to leave them outside and to lock the door.
When I got home I immediately noticed the two large boxes laying across the front porch and the front yard. Needless to say I was pissed and wanted someone to come pick these up and stop all packages coming from this Hospital.
I parked my car and got out and was immediately struck with the most pungent and putrid stench I had ever smelled. It took everything I had to not lose my lunch into the bushes. I covered my nose with my shirt and managed to make it to the door. My wife barely stepped out when she too was hit with the wall of rotten flesh. She pulled me inside and closed the door so fast it sent change scattering all over the floor.
“We need to call the cops!”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?”
I can’t believe it took my wide slamming me into the door to come to my senses but it finally clicked.
Those were bodies!
I called the cops and they came down to our house. We explained that we didn’t order these packages and they seemed oddly shaped and weighted to that of a human. We had one of the officers open up one of the boxes and he nearly tossed his cookies when he lifted the lid.
There in the box was a wooden coffin. Worse yet, it had the name and death date embossed on the front of it. The police had arrested us and put us in the police cars thinking we had somehow done this. But before they took us away one of the other officers that joined the investigation managed to find a tag on the side of the coffin that read:
Martin Smith Deceased November 29th, 2023 Age: 72 Destination: Cornwell Funeral Home.