Last week I had thoughts of what this world would be like without me.
Do you know how odd it is to have those thoughts in your office bathroom, all while being surrounded by literal hundreds of dead bodies? At 44 years of age, I thought my life would amount to much more than just a night shift cemetery security guard.
I tried to think of the positives…at least I didn’t have any work place gossip or awkward water cooler conversations. And at least I didn’t have to endure those grueling talks about how weird the weather has been lately.
Even with all of these perks of sunshine and rainbows - I kept going back to those intrusive thoughts…
I thought about my failed marriage, and how at this age - I may never find love again. I had moved back to my hometown to be near my family but I now had no family to really care for me. And what of my future? After being turned down by multiple publishers again and again, was my dream of being a writer over? Do I just keep watching over, ‘Eden Rock Cemetery’ until I eventually end up in it myself?
For the first time in years, I sat in a bathroom, this cage of nothingness - and prayed to a being who I didn’t even necessarily believe in. “If I get up, please make everything okay.” I sat there in silence for a few moments until my silence was interrupted by my walkie.
“Hey Trent, where are ya? You didn’t end up keeling over in one of those graves already did you?”
I walked out to see Charlie, our college aged security guard here to relieve me of my 6pm - 2am shift. “Nope, not dead yet. It’s a slow one here tonight though. Lot of time to practice those tik tok dances of yours,” I responded with a smirk.
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry about sticking around, you should try to get home before you miss another one of your Golden Girls marathon.”
Charlie had been with us for a few months now, and while he could be a smart-ass, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy his company. He always knew how to bring a smile to my face while making the job much more entertaining and lively. And while Charlie had the tendency to slack off every now and again - he always made up for it with his optimistic attitude. It made me miss that same sense of hope that we all had as a youth.
“Careful on your way out, I heard some sort of bell on my way in. It’s probably just some more kids messing around.”
We said our goodbyes and off I went into the cool foggy summer night. I sat in my car seat and started grabbing for a cigarette when I heard it…a faint bell off in the distance. It sounded too far away though; nowhere near the grounds. That was a bit of a relief knowing I wouldn’t have to shoo away another group of gen z trespassers doing some sort of tik tok challange after an already endless night. I turned on my high beams and headed down the long lonely road home.
My drive home was surrounded by nothing but woods and open fields, and tonight I didn’t want to think anymore. I knew I had to keep my mind occupied while I drove, so I turned on my radio and tried to play whatever was on, but I quickly lost signal. Those intrusive thoughts came rushing right back to me.
I started to wonder what my younger self would of thought of the man I am today? I glanced at my rearview mirror and saw the dark circles under my eyes, the four o’clock shadow and the cigarette smoke drifting in front of me. But hey - at least I still had a full head of hair, and I’m not in the worst shape ever either. I might even be considered pretty damn handsome if it wasn’t for the screw job haircut I had just gotten recently (the hairdresser took a little more than ‘a little off the top’). Regardless, at this age - who am I trying to impress?
With my windows down, I felt the cool summer air graze across my skin as I sped down this never ending road. It made me think of the time my dad had brought me to the ldrive-in to see the newest Stephen King adaptation, ‘Stand by Me’ in our brand new drop-top Buick Riviera. He passed away a few years ago and I missed him so much. My dad was my guiding light and he definitely wouldn’t like to see me in this distressed state. He worked multiple jobs just to make sure we had everything we needed and yet he never seemed to complain. If anything bad came his way, I’d ask him how he dealt with it and he’d simply smile and tell me, “Sometimes you need to hurt a little bit to remind yourself you’re alive, Trent.” As my dad drove us that late summer night, I remember looking up at him with such fondness. I still have vivid memories of that day. I can even remember the song that played on our way.
I was snapped out of thought by my radio catching signal…
“Here on the stage, the time has come…”
I recognized those lyrics immediately…’Goodnight Song’ by Tears for Fears…this was the same song that played on our way to the drive-in movie…I felt a lump in my throat, as it continued to play…
“My voice is aching… I’m tongue-tied”
I tried turning the radio station, but it wouldn’t change, it wouldn’t even turn off. I looked up at the rearview mirror to see myself starting to sweat a little. But that wasn’t the only thing I saw…a dim light in the distance behind me started to shine through the fog. And then…the faint sound of a bell.
My car went into overdrive, I looked at my dash and noticed I started going 20 over the speed limit. And yet, the dim light started to grow until I could finally make out what it was…a bicycle.
How the hell was this biker going so fast?
I looked back at my dash and saw I was now going 30 over. I heard the bell ringing louder, closer. The light shining brighter, closer. I quickly and safely pulled off the road and hit the brakes.
My eyes darted back to the rearview mirror, but there was nothing…
The cyclist was gone. Nothing behind me and nothing in front of me - almost as if they just up and vanished within the fog.
As I came back to my senses, I also noticed my radio was back to playing it’s regular everyday hits station.
This experience haunted me, but it also left me shaking with excitement. I got home and tried to get a little bit of sleep, but the adrenaline dump kept me up for most of the night.
For my next shift, I was was anxiously awaiting the moment I got to leave. I wanted to see the unusual occurrences happen again. For the first time in years - it felt like I finally had something to look forward to.
“Ghost biker…didn’t they make a Nic Cage movie about that? I could tell Charlie was just wanting to crack a few jokes on my behalf after I told him what I had saw.
“Wouldn’t a ghost biker have better things to do than haunt a middle aged man on his way back home too?”
I shot back defensively, “C’mon, Charlie..you believe in conspiracy theories about lizard people but my story is way too there?”
“Hey! In my defense, that was a pretty reliable podcast. Even if the host got blacklisted from the internet…And besides, they sell motorized bicycles now, it could have just been one of those.” I guess Charlie had a good point…maybe I was overthinking it.
I left Charlie with doubts of what my drive home would look like.
I drove home that night in silence. Nothing out of the ordinary.
No biker, no song, no hope.
Just…silence.
The next morning I woke up exhausted, wanting to call in sick. But sure enough - I dragged my ass to the office and plopped right back in down until Charlie showed up to relieve me. I couldn’t believe my life was so joyless that I got excited over some stupid occurrence that was easily explainable. I probably should’ve just picked up biking as a hobby like a normal person would.
I sat in our cold lifeless office remembering those times when I’d ride my own bike.
My first time riding without training wheels made my dad so happy. I was nervous, but he kept reassuring me, “Everything will be okay…I’m right here.” And off I went. My dad laughed and chased me around our neighborhood street, “Slow down!” he’d yell in between laughs.
I think my last time riding my bike was late one summer night when I was 16. I was having my very first girlfriend, Jamie, on the back of my bicycle spokes as I brought her to our town’s infamous spot, ‘Lovers Point’. We sat there for what seemed like hours while we watched the waves crash against the beach. I kept looking at her sandy blonde hair, her deep blue eyes and beautiful little freckles. Every time she’d laugh or smile at me - it’d send a shiver down my neck. She always left my tongue-tied and nervous, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I had been to have her. Our hands touched for a split second…and then we kissed…the next thing I know I’m discovering the reason why this place was called what it was. As we finished our trip, Jamie looked into my eyes with such sadness.
“My families moving to Chicago, Trent…we leave in three weeks”
I wish I could’ve told her that I loved her, and that we could work it out…but I didn’t.
“Hey knight rider, I’m here to free you from your cage.”
I snapped out of my trance to hear Charlie back in office pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“Donuts are in the fridge, make sure you don’t go all Jack Torrance tonight, Chuck. It’s been another slow night.”
“These nights are the best, why are you always in such a rush to get through life all the time, Trent? Slow down and smell the flowers.” I half smiled at Charlie, and headed towards the door, but he must’ve known something was up.
“Hey Trent…is everything okay?”
I wish I could’ve told him no…but I didn’t.
“All good on my end, see ya kid.”
It was another foggy drive back on that lonely strip of road. I drove recklessly, 50, 60, 70 mph - not really caring what could potentially happen to me. I felt as though my memories were a grim reminder that I had nothing to look forward to. Tears started to well up in my eyes and my head seemed to pound as I pulled out a cigarette to try to calm my anger and sadness. I dropped my lit cigarette in surprise as my radio started to glitch out a bit as it was trying to pick up a station,
“Ste-…outs-…th-…cage… I should of stayed round to break the ice I thought about it once or twice”
It was ‘Goodnight Song’ again and it was becoming much clearer by the second…
“But nothing ever changes Unless there’s some pain”
The songs lyric kept repeating…
“Unless there’s some pain painnnn painnnn painnnn”
I looked up at my rearview startled to see the cyclist within a few car lengths behind me, and they were only getting faster. They were ringing their bell ferociously, and at this point I could tell it was not a motorized bicycle. As they got closer, the light got brighter and I saw the biker waving their arm at me, pointing. I tried to pick up speed, but it was no good. They kept getting closer, and closer and closer - until they were right beside me. My heart dropped.
It was me.
A much younger version of myself was waving his arm at me and yelling but even with the windows down - no sound came out. The song got louder.
“They scream so loud, so long,”
He started frantically pointing forward and thats when I saw it…a great big clouded void headed straight towards me engulfing the road ahead.
He sped up in front of me and hit the brakes.
I swerved out of the way to avoid him and closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes in a daze trying to lift my head from the crash that had transpired and could hear the song slowly fading off of my radio,
“Goodnight song…”
The last thing I saw before completely blacking out was a light drifting away in the distance and the ring of a bell.
I awoke in the hospital that morning to two police officers who had apparently found me from the crash site. I tried to explain my story without sounding like I was drunk or a complete nutcase.
“I know you mentioned a biker crossing in front of you, but there was no one else there. And miraculously - your car flipped over completely unscathed.” The other office chimed in, “You were clutching onto this when we got there though,” he proceeded to hand me an envelope. “I’d just count your blessings. You might be a little sore, but at least you’re alive. Maybe ease off the gas a bit next time too.”
I opened the envelope…
‘Slow down…everything will be okay’
“Is everything alright, sir?” The officer was most likely referring to the tears that were now streaming down my face.
“Yeah…everything’s okay now.”
I thanked both officers, and just as they were leaving - my nurse walked in with my discharge papers but stopped abruptly. We looked at each other like we had both seen a ghost.
“Jamie Lee Cage is that you?”
She looked just as beautiful as the last time I had seen her.
“Trent!? I didn’t know you were back in town!”
She told me how she moved back after her husband had passed, and how much she had missed the beach. She has a daughter now who’s about to be a teenager and told me of the difficulties of being a single mom. Jamie asked me about my situation and gave me support and sympathy. She encouraged me to write again, and told me how she always loved my writing. The spark was still there…we flirted with each other and laughed through stories of old and went on catching up for a little under an hour. I didn’t want it to end, so I did what I typically wouldn’t do as of late…I spoke up.
“Jamie, I know the hospital is probably a weird place to pick up chicks, but I’d love to take you out sometime.”
She chuckled and a little glimmer of red came across her face.
“I think that’s a fantastic idea, Trent. Here’s my number - I’m free on Saturday.”
She put her number in my phone and started to walk me out of the hospital.
“I’m looking forward to hearing some more of your stories…like maybe how you ended up in here in the first place.”
I looked back at the envelope and smiled from ear to ear, “now that’s sort of an interesting story..”