It was a rainy day. She liked the overcast clouds. “They remind me of my baggy eyes.” she told me.
We walked into an abandoned building, it seemed like an elementary school. Stepping there felt weird. As if the fog in my head was getting shook by some other force.
She led me into a classroom. “This is where I lost the shine.” she whispered to herself while I followed her from behind.
There laid a chair. It stood tall, rugged and was different from other cute little chairs. Even though the place was run down, some flavors of innocence remained there. The small colorful chairs reminded me of my own childhood. It was a surprise to me, as it had always been a fog in my head during my childhood. But now it was clearing up. Just as I was starting to get nostalgic, I noticed a pair of two small frogs sitting beside my feet. Two sweet little creatures with green tiny sores and shiny skin. They also looked beautiful at that moment.
“This chair makes me feel numb.” she touched the tall chair and felt repulsive. A cruel feeling was radiating from that chair. I felt it somehow. Her eyes were glowing. It was the first time I saw her eyes shine. Was it because of that place?
“What doesn’t?”
She came towards me. Looked at me without a change in her stoic expressions and grabbed me by my chin. She looked at me as if trying to make sense of something.
“Ever since I met you. I knew that you would be the one who’ll make my pain go away.”
“I’m a killer. What else did you expect?”
“To make me feel alive.” out of nowhere she kissed me and bit my lower lip.
I didn’t resist. We both went on holding each other as we kissed. It was an intense moment for my first kiss but for her it was her last. So she made it count.
In a frenzy I pushed her onto that tall chair and she pushed me away in an instant. She cried out loudly. I watched her with my thumb on the bleeding lip.
It went on for a minute. It seemed all her calmness was holding something in for all this time. Quiet people are always the one holding too much inside, I witnessed that.
“Just end it already.” she said after she regained her composure
I would’ve ended it but it would be quick and I wanted to know what made her react like that.
“Ending quickly is no fun, I’ll take it slow.”
She rolled up her sleeves and said “Make me bleed. It’s relieving.”
I doubted her bravery so I asked “Would you fight back If I restrain you for two minutes?”
“No.”
I doubted her more but then she said “But my body will” and I was sure that she knew what she signed up for. The marks on her wrist confirmed my suspicion.
I was playful back then in my starting days. So, I cut her wrist but gave it a horizontal cut-it doesn’t end as quickly as a straight cut on the forearm does. She laid back as she started bleeding and got teared up quickly. Her eyes started to get lost somewhere.
“Teacher. Teacher. It wasn’t me.” she murmured in delirium
“Really?” I asked as I took out my camera.
“I’m not a thief.”
“You have put the money in your clothes. I know!” I played along
“No. Look.” She pulled her top up for me and I clicked a picture. Collecting my trophy.
The flash of my camera made her come out of the delirium she was going into and she smiled at me. “Make me feel alive” she said
“I took my knife towards her and put its tip on her throat. “Be still or you’ll get punished.”
“Okay, Mr. Gekkins”
“Gekkins?”
“I didn’t take it. Then why did he still handle me and discipline me?”
Hearing these words. I fell back. It all came together. This school looked familiar. Perhaps that’s why my foggy mind was being cleared up. The puzzle that I call my life was coming towards me.
Even a guy without empathy and humanity sometimes questions his own existence. Questions like “Why am I the way I am?” or “Why couldn’t I end her that day?”.
Now that I’m writing this, I can reflect that it was fate that sent her to me. Two people touched by the same fate. The same evil that stole us from our humanity. That made us yearn for cruelty and death. It was James Gekkins. My father.