The sun was shining over the cookie cutter houses of the Oak Street suburb. I remember seeing a murder of crows flying over the skyline. I was thumbing through the letters, casually skimming them as I usually do on my routes. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, but sometimes I just got bored walking through this menagerie of beige. That’s when I spotted it, a letter with faint red hearts on the outside.
Love letters always held a special place in my heart. Delivering them always gave me a nice jolt of pride. I was the almighty facilitator of love. I darted my eyes along the bland landscape, and when I made sure all the blinds were closed, and there were no morning joggers around, I carefully pried the letter open.
My heart was filled with glee as I consumed the words on the page. Two young lovers, distant but caring. He was off at his first year of college, she was soon to join him. The thrill of young love invigorated me, and with my new found energy, I cleared through the rest of my stops. Though I did make sure to carefully seal the letter.
The next few months were the best time of my life. I had never had the chance to write my own love letters to anyone, I had always been alone. Reading Jim and Pam’s letters always filled me with warmth. Jim was always so tender in the letters, so vulnerable, and Pam, boy was she always quick with a joke. I had begun to feel a real connection with the two of them. If anything ever happened to them, if they were ever to split up, that would be no good. They are the pinnacle of love. They are perfect. If they can’t make it in this world, then the world is rotten and doomed.
Pam became more somber in the following weeks. It was clear that she missed Jim, and while Jim tried his best to comfort and reassure her, there wasn’t much he could do from afar. My heart ached reading the most recent letters. Jim wasn’t as close, Pam wasn’t as witty. I had not felt that sad in months. But thankfully it was all to change. In Jim’s most recent letter, he mentioned he was coming into town. It would be the first time they saw each other in almost a year!
I eagerly awaited Jim’s return. I was so excited to see the joy spread over their faces when Jim and Pam embraced, when they kissed. Of course, Jim wouldn’t be arriving until the evening. I wouldn’t be able to see them at their happiest, unless I came back at night. After my daily route.
My heart thumped as I waited in the dark. My car was in the perfect spot, just far enough to where it was inconspicuous, but close enough to where I could see the door. As the time of Jim’s arrival got closer, my heart beat harder and harder in my chest. I could feel the thrumming in my ears. How would Pam react? Would they kiss? Would they forget where they were in the world, even for just a moment? A glare in the mirror brought me back to reality. Jim had arrived.
I watched hungrily as Jim approached the door. He seemed nervous, and a little sad. I was confused at the sight, shouldn’t he be bouncing with glee and joy? Shouldn’t he be trying to kick down the door, scooping her up into his arms? I felt a pit in my stomach, and I my brow twitched in anger.
Pam opened the door, her smile sending jolts of warmth down my body. She leaned in to embrace Jim, but he backed away. I felt a lump form in my throat. I could feel a cold sweat begin to form as I saw the joy fade from Pam’s face. She began to cry, and she stepped back into the house, and slammed the door in Jim’s face. My cold sweat turned into a full body shiver. I felt my face contort in rage. I could feel myself begin to shake with fury. How dare Jim ruin my happiness. How dare he shatter true love. How dare Jim break my heart, and show me there is no light left in this world.
Before I could stop myself, I was out of the car. I saw Jim, still standing in front of the door. I grabbed a rock and slammed it into the side of Jim’s head. Jim went limp, the blood spraying the door and pooling on the ground at my feet. How dare you Jim. I stumbled back, ears ringing loudly. I felt a calm wash over me. My muscles no longer convulsed. I straightened out my jacket, and knocked on the door.
I don’t remember how I got home that night. Everything after Pam opened the door is a bit fuzzy. I remember her screaming, threatening to call the cops. She wouldn’t listen to reason. She didn’t understand that what she and Jim had was perfect. She didn’t realize Jim had gunked it all up. I really don’t like remembering this, but I felt I needed to get this off my chest. Am I the asshole? I feel shitty about what I did, but Jim ruined my life.