I’ve never told anyone this before. I was ashamed. But I am writing this to justify all my actions, especially those done towards my family.
I’ll start by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I came home so rarely and ignored my parents far too many times. I haven’t contacted them in 4 months. I’m sure my folks think I’m dead somewhere. I’m not far from it.
It all started in the last year of high school. I had plans. Plans that I had to respect. For the past few months, something strange has been happening in my bedroom every night. I was awakened in the middle of the night by the sensation of cold breath on the back of my neck. I would open my eyes, turn around and it seemed like there was a black figure next to me, lying next to me, covered under my blanket. I could even see his figure in the mirror next to the bed. Every time I tried to remove the blanket, the creature disappeared. I would go to bed, wake up in the morning and everything was normal. It was as if my memory was erased and I wasn’t paying much attention to what happened. Many times, many nights, I didn’t even notice that cold feeling on my neck.
I was telling myself that it was all just in my mind, that that event was caused by fatigue and I was left with only fear from now on.
That is until he started talking to me. I would hear whispers spoken in my ear, or even songs hummed by a male voice. I could feel the touch of thin fingers on my hair. He was no longer afraid of me, and I was no longer afraid of him.
The mistake was coming home one evening drunk, when my parents were away. Then, I felt it was all or nothing. That I have nothing to lose. I accepted all of that creature’s advances, or from the way he was acting, he was probably just a strange man creeping into my bed, I don’t know where and I don’t know how. Well, at that point it didn’t matter anymore.
After that night, I never saw him again. It was as if I missed him. So many nights I felt like I had company because of him. I was hoping he would come back. Especially after I found out I was pregnant. Surely he had to know that this happened. I was too young and stupid to take responsibility. I needed him to come and find a solution for me.
Months passed and my belly started to grow. A pregnancy was not yet suspected, I could hide the extra kilos by saying that I gained weight due to the stress of the end of the year. Luckily, the year is over and I was able to leave home for college.
I gave birth alone. I had no one around. I hid it from everyone close to me. I was ashamed. How was I going to explain everything and who was going to believe me?
The real nightmare started after the birth. The pregnancy did not give me too much trouble and the birth was by caesarean section. I had to find a job to support myself and my daughter while I continued college. I managed to get a studio apartment with rent at a lower price thanks to a friend I met in college, the studio apartment being her parents’.
Years went by, and my girl started to look more and more like me. Many parents would be happy and proud to say that. But I don’t mean the banal way that all parents refer to. I mean my daughter was me. It looked identical to me. It was absolutely impossible how much we looked alike. I gave birth to myself.
I am now 30 years old and I cannot say that I have changed much or that I have aged. I am the same as I was in my 20s. It was as if time stood still for me. My daughter, on the other hand, looks more mature than her age. She looks like me. Yesterday, without me knowing, she went to my parents’ door. They don’t suspect anything. How could they? They think it’s me 100%. Therefore, there cannot be 2 selves. I have to give my parents the daughter they never had. I have to fix my mistake. Maybe my daughter will not follow in my footsteps and will be more careful. Farewell.