I missed her. I really missed her. I had never missed anyone like this before. For a while after it happened, all I could think of was how much it hurt and how humiliated I felt, like losing her had made me less of a man, but after the initial shock wore off, my mind was solely preoccupied by thoughts of missing her.
Even now, months after the soul crushing events that led to my humiliation and our eternal separation, I rarely think of anyone or anything else. I had never understood what it meant to be truly captivated by another person, to have another soul peer into yours and claim it as their own. Not until that night. Not until Rachel.
It was a crisp autumn night and after another night of pure bad luck, I was walking through town, meandering really, slowly making my way towards my car and, as was usual, I was lost in my own depressive thoughts. My feet were on autopilot as I passed by the countless grey and soulless buildings that lined my path. I felt completely alone. I was completely alone. I know I must have passed by multiple people as I paced the empty streets, yet still I noticed no one. I couldn’t remember the last time I had really noticed another person, it became so much harder after the accident that claimed my mother and stripped the colour from my life, leaving me in a pale reflection of the world I used to know. But then it happened. As I approached my car and passed by another drab, grey building, an insignificant and grotty pub, I found my eyes drawn towards two sparkling emerald pools surrounded by twin sunsets, and I noticed her.
The light from the pub shone through a nearby window, escaping its dreary surroundings for the sole purpose of shining upon her as she pursed her crimson lips and allowed a cigarette to approach them. She was beauty and grace wrapped up in a little red dress and as I stared into her mesmerising eyes I was instantly transported half a world away, back to my childhood home. I saw my younger self and my mother laughing and joking on a lazy afternoon, we were having a picnic in the garden and watching as the hummingbirds flitted joyfully around the flowering kniphofia that my loving and benevolent mother had planted just for them, or maybe it was for me, she knew how much I loved the bright blur of their vibrant colours as they danced around the pale blue sky.
I was startled from my vision as the colour that had re-entered my life suddenly threatened to leave me again. She had finished her cigarette and turned to re-enter the pub. I wanted to approach her but I knew I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, not yet. Despite my pounding heart, or maybe because of it, I followed her into the bar. I watched as she joined her friends, but I didn’t notice them, all I could see was her. I ordered a drink to calm my nerves, then another to build them up and one more to steel them. The whole time I drank, I internally rehearsed what I would say to her, but nothing seemed good enough. I finally resigned myself to finish my drink and leave… alone. As I rose from my seat and prepared to leave, I watched as she retrieved a cigarette, holding it in her delicate lips as she slipped her graceful arms into a sleek black jacket. I thought about waiting for her to leave before slinking back to my car, in fact, I was still thinking about it when I noticed I was following her out of the door.
I couldn’t believe my luck as I helped her from my car and we clumsily began to stumble down my tree laden, gravel drive. My mind and my heart were racing as I guided her to my door and led her to my room. We had such a strong connection that we spent hours just talking together, I told her about my mother and she told me about her own family, how much they loved each other, and what her hopes and dreams were for the future. I vividly remember how her eyes teared up as she told me how she worried about her future, how she couldn’t imagine a life without her family and how she feared she might never fulfil her dreams, I just held her tight and promised that I would never let her go. I’m not sure if it was the drink or a result of her emotional release but eventually, Rachel passed out. After checking that she was comfortable and secure, I left Rachel to sleep and made my way to the sofa, I grabbed a blanket and tried to settle down but I couldn’t sleep, I was too anxious for the morning and far too happy for my mind to rest. Giving up on sleep, I made my way to the window and watched as the sun rose over the trees and revealed the colourful world outside.
I wanted to wake Rachel up as soon as the sun rose but it had been a big night and I knew that she would need her sleep. Still, I couldn’t wait to see her in the light of this beautiful new day, so I made myself a cup of coffee and made my way downstairs as quietly as I could. Her eyes were closed and the sunset had smudged from the tears she shed the night before, but even as she slept, she was still the absolute pinnacle and personification of beauty. As I crept closer to the bed, I saw her eyes slowly blink open and reveal the emerald treasure hidden behind her colourful lids. She saw me approaching and as those beautiful eyes met mine, I felt my face break out into a broad smile, but Rachel winced. It was only slight but it hurt me to my core. I turned and fled the basement. Rachel called out after me but I ignored her, smothering her voice with the heavy basement door. I ran straight to my mother, or rather the picture of her that hung above my mantle, and I hoped that her smile could sooth me. Calming in my mother’s presence, I thought that perhaps it was a hangover that had caused Rachel’s demeanour to change. The thought comforted me and I decided to give her another chance. I walked back down the stairs but as I descended further, anxiety tied my stomach in knots. It almost seemed too quiet and for a moment I feared the worst, but as I reached the bottom of the stairs, there she was, still lying in the bed, her red dress and pale skin illuminated by the sliver of light that shone down through the barred window above her. I let out a heavy sigh of relief. The ropes had held.
My relief didn’t last long. Gone was the sweet and vulnerable girl from the night before, who had been so keen to share her name and her life, and In her place was a vile and crass creature who launched a venomous assault against my ears and manhood. With each hurtful word and demand to leave me, I felt the colour leave my world. The hurt paralysed my mind but my feet led me towards the axe that lent propped up against a dark, damp corner of the room. My feet were still on autopilot as I made my way back towards the bed. Once again, Rachel winced as I approached but nothing she did could hurt me now, the colour was gone. Rachel gripped the steel frame of the bed and begged me for her life, but I barely noticed. I raised the axe and brought it down in a powerful swing. I missed. Rachel must have slipped her binds because as my axe started its weighty descent, she quickly rolled out of the bed and the heavy, bladed head of the axe stuck firmly in the mattress. I watched in stunned disbelief as Rachel sprung up from the floor, a section of the metal bed frame gripped firmly in her hand.
When I finally awoke and wiped away the thick, sticky blood that seeped from my brow and caked my eyes, Rachel was gone. I couldn’t believe it, I had missed her, but she didn’t miss me. I sat in disbelief as the sound of sirens grew closer. I was still in denial as they kicked down my door and placed me in cuffs. I couldn’t even believe it when the judge sentenced me to life in prison.
Even as I sit here in my cell, writing this on a smuggled phone, I still struggle to believe it. I missed her. I really missed her.
I didn’t miss the others.