I don’t really want to tell you my name, or where I’m from, or really anything about me. All you need to know is this:
Our task is to get to Cavern Creek, and we are going in blind.
The task came about on an ordinary, April day.
It was contained in the classic, yellow, gaudy envelope (as are all the tasks).
It was delivered to me personally by my ordinary secretary (as are all the tasks), and it was sealed with the garish company insignia (yep).
By tradition, I unsealed the envelope with the standard paper knife and poured myself a not so standard glass of whiskey - MacAllen 30 year.
I took a swig.
Unfolded the letter.
Turned my eyes to that familiar, spidery blue ink scrawled across the dreaded page. It read the following: ————- Project GASH
Dear G
Get to Cavern Creek. Arrive Monday at noon. Stay for a week.
Bring S and H.
It will come for you at night. Do not bring/emit any form of light.
Kill it before it kills you.
Get out before Sunday sunrise. Come back to us.
A —————— To quickly explain for those confused….
The letters are our names - randomly assigned allocations (yes, like on men in black). I’ve been allocated G since I joined. I’ve heard that my colleague ‘X’ is the best of the best. Apparently, they only bring X out when jobs go wrong. Thankfully, I’ve never met them.
Regarding those mentioned in the letter, I’ve worked with S and H for going on 2 decades. I have no idea what their real names are - nor would I particularly want to know (though I highly and often suspect that H is called Bob - he just has that ‘Bob look’ about him - you know?)
There are also 2 points you can decipher from this letter - instructions aside. You’ve probably worked this out already, but I’ll share in any case as it will help to provide you with a bit of context:
1:
The gaudy envelopes are always sent by one of our 5 bosses. They are allocated as: A, E, I, O or U. People call them the Vowels (we’re very creative here). As far as I’m aware, the Vowels don’t do any fieldwork, though I assume they used to.
2:
The project name is always an anagram assembled by the letter allocations of those working on the project (i.e. I’m G and this time I’m on a job with A, S and H - hence, Project GASH).
I once worked on the 15 man job: Project UNCOPYRIGHTABLE. I’ve heard rumours of an 18 man job but I call bullshit. There’s 26 employees so no repeat letters - and there was clearly no G…
Regardless, the point of this tangent is to say that, I’m pretty familiar with these jobs. Yet for some fucking reason not known to me, this particular task has seriously unnerved me.
Sure, I’ve been given weird instructions before. In Project GEM (a truly great initiative led by E), I had to ‘imagine’ that I was a tree for two hours every Sunday - otherwise I’d be killed by a screaming banshee called ‘Doris’.
On Project GRAVES - I had to jump off Big Ben as the clock struck 12. I’m not even going to explain why but, honestly, residents of London, I helped you dodge a major bullet there.
Well anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that Project GASH won’t be pretty. I have no particular reason for thinking so. I just have a feeling - and I’ve learnt to trust my intuition over the years.
As such, I’ve decided to break from tradition and document the experience (strength in numbers and all of that). I obviously can’t bring my phone as that emit light, so I’ll be recording a transcript. This will wire directly to my secretary, who will type up the the account of my time at Cavern Creek.
I’m going to go and find S and H. I’ll be in touch with you guys shortly.
We’re going to Cavern Creek.