I’ve never quite fitted in, always felt invisible, unnoticed. Until I met April, April is my best friend, she’s like family to me, the only one who even notices me. But there’s something not right about our friendship, and me. Even though We spend everyday together, we have sleepovers, go for trips with her family together, she’s the only friend I’ve ever had and probably ever will, I still don’t feel right.
April’s family are pretty nice, they have always made me feel welcome, when April was younger they told her I was welcome to be there whenever I wanted, but they’ve never spoken to me. April doesn’t need me at school, I stay away, she has other friends. But nobody has ever seen me, or even looked in my direction. I’ve also noticed April never mentions me to people, I’m still alone, everyone walks past me like I’m nothing. I’ve never understood.
I don’t really remember any family of my own, April told me I was in an accident years ago and forgot my earlier memories, so all I remember is being April’s friend. I never explicitly hear my name, I never see anybody look my way, even April never seems to make eye contact with me, just talks to me knowing I’m nearby, but never really looks at me.
I sometimes feel a great rage growing in the pit of my stomach, a rage at the fact nobody sees me. It feels like Nobody even cares about me, I have no family and even April only needs me when her other friends have gone, her friends never notice me either. I hate being left out, I hate being unnoticed.
I feel like my life is just April. April sometimes makes me feel left out too. She never wants to take pictures with me, but I’ve seen her take pictures with her family, although they never mention me at these events April invites me to.
I’ve seen April have arguments with her friends, and I’ve tried to come over to help, but I’m just ignored, April doesn’t even give me chance. She says it’s because she doesn’t want to seem cowardly or weird - but I’ve never understood what’s cowardly or weird about her needing my help?
When April’s friends have stayed at her house and I’m invited too, they just look past me, never asking how I feel, never including me, they don’t even include me in things like makeovers, or watching movies. I’m just alone at the back of the group, waiting for the day I exist to them. The final straw for me was recently when I tried to follow April and her friends to the mirror to look at the makeup they’d just done, but april stayed back and told me I’d better just wait for them to be back.
Ever since then I’ve been struggling to control the anger, I’ve been feeling the worry and the rage increase in me, especially after being excluded from the group like that, I’ve begun wondering what’s so different about me? Why Am I banned from looking in a mirror? What am I not being told? Who even am I?
I’ve tried countless times to sit april down and ask about it, all she says is it doesn’t matter. But it does. I know I shouldn’t have done, but the curiosity got the better of me, so I’ve just looked in the mirror , and there’s nothing there, I have no face, no hair, it’s like nobody is even stood in front of the mirror, my thoughts are making my head spin, I must be sick or something, why am I not there?
I can hear April behind me, when I turn around, she’s looking at me , but straight through me at the same time. She has never looked so angry but sad at the same time, she offers to take a picture with me, for the first time ever, and when she does, everything became clear. As im writing this somehow, I’m heartbroken, my life isn’t real, im just there, but only for April, and April no longer needs me, everything is fading, it’s hard to even type anymore. Did I ever exist alone? I am so scared -