When Tina, my best friend from high school, called me one day, I was puzzled, but not alarmed. I mean, she left this sleepy little suburb the moment she could, and we lost touch pretty much immediately after our last exams. Nobody seemed to know where she went, and I wondered what had happened to her. It was just one of those things, as my mother said.
And there she was; Tina. People who say reconnecting with old friends is like they never left, they lie! It is weird and awkward, and the first conversation we had over the phone was basically just us trying to battle out who was the skinniest and most successful. I was both annoyed and delighted when we finally hung up, because my friend was home again. Perhaps she just felt the need to brag in order to fit in again, because she had been gone for so long. Small, tight-knit communities like ours can be difficult to fit into, regardless of whether you were once a native.
So when she invited me and another old school friend over, I didn’t think much of it.
But on my drive there, all I was thinking about was how she would show me her ’wonderful’ house, with her ’wonderful life’ and ’wonderful family’, whereas I was a single parent with a messy divorce
and a son who just turned ten and still wiped his snot off in the nearest fabric. The one saving grace was that Sandra would also come over. Even though Sandra and I still lived here, we never talked besides courtesies.
Tina had bought a cute loft by the shopping street, and as I sat down on her Scandinavian leather sofa, ten minutes in, I wanted to scream! I was already tired of her obnoxious non-stop stream of self-importance, and I hadn’t even taken my coat off yet.
Eventually, as I shot a discreet look at my wristwatch, I came to realize I had endured this cheesy ‘Tina the superstar extraordinaire’ monologue for half an hour now, and Sandra had still not shown up. I finally worked up the courage to interrupt her and ask when Sandra might arrive. Tina,
to my dismay, replied Sandra had called and said she was sick, and she wouldn’t be able to make it. Funny to hear that Sandra was sick,because I had seen her this morning at the school when she dropped her twins off, and she seemed just fine. I couldn’t blame her for getting out of this soul-sucking courtesy plagued meetup; she was smarter than me.
So why have you really returned here? I asked, interrupting her chipper monologue, but became painfully aware of how rude it was when she looked at me with hurt in her eyes.
”I wasn’t aware I needed a reason,” she replied poignantly, reaching for her overpriced bohemian rose-gold rimmed coffee cup.
I studied the brown liquid of my own identically pretentious princess cup,embarrassed. of course she didn’t need a reason to return to her hometown, but something still didn’t make sense. “It’s just – if you have all this going for you, why would you return to this hole in the ground, of all places?” I said, not entirely convinced by Tina’s stories. “I suppose I forgot to tell you,” she said smugly with a little laugh, and I regretted asking already. ”I am pregnant.”
I think I just stared at her like an idiot; she looked amazing like a magazine model, and not at all bloated and pregnant. But then again, she could be super early on in her pregnancy. ”Congratulations”
”How far along are you?” I said politely, She ignored my pleasantries, which surprised me, because all she basically did was talk about herself. The deafening silence that followed was so awkward, I casually glanced over at the new, sparkling white cabinets and classy oak tops - open kitchen space - and pretended to check the time on her oversized IKEA wall-clock. In reality, I was trying to come up with a believable white lie so I could leave swiftly and without a fuss.
It was then I noticed the dog bowls.
They were huge, large enough for something like a Rottweiler-sized dog. Surely I would have noticed if she had a large dog like that! Most of all, they felt wrong. like those optical illusions that can be interpreted as either a vase or two people, depending on how you look at it. ”I had no idea you had a dog,” I said without thinking.
“Oh, it must have slipped my mind. I always just lock him away so he won’t bother my guests,” she answered with a shrug, trying to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal.
Like hell
Nobody with a perfect manicure, like Tinas, would clean like Marie Kondo on crack, there was not a single dog hair on the sofa, on her hardwood floors, or that special smell that dogs have – nothing!
I grew up with dogs, and now I was sure she was full of shit. There was no dog living here, and absolutely no dog the size that would fit for those bowls. This was getting super uncomfortable and unsettling, to hell with courtesies, I just wanted out now! My mind raced, wishing I had talked to
Sandra this morning when I saw her. What if I was the only guest Tina planned?
To this day I am grateful that I never touched my ridiculous latte. And I have no proof that she did something to it, but I still think she had some plan with my visit that I luckily never found out. “Okay,” I said, slowly getting off the sofa, reaching for my purse and jacket. “I have to run. I just remembered that I promised Andy I’d shop for some school supplies before I picked him up.” How I managed to keep collected I do not know.
I also don’t know what compelled me to lie. intuition maybe?
You see, my son’s name isn’t Andy. I had not promised him anything, he was at my mother’s for the afternoon. “But you didn’t even touch your latte,” she said in a syrupy voice. The same tone that fifteen minutes ago had annoyed me, for the pretentious perfect hostess quality, now creeped me the fuck out. I hooked my coat over my arm and smiled politely, pretending like nothing was wrong.
”I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you another day, I know of this cute little…” My civil untruths were cut off as something crashed and shattered behind the only door in the loft, presumably the bedroom. Maybe there was a dog after all? Tina had said she locked it away, right? Maybe I was actually the one who was a jerk now, silently accusing her of everything from keeping a gimp to poisoning my coffee. A smile of relief spread across my face as my heart rate finally returned to normal.
“Just a moment, dear” Tina said as she too got up from the sofa, straightening her one-piece orange silk loungewear suit. I stared at her flat, perfect belly. There was no way she was pregnant, not even a little. ”Henry!” she yelled out suddenly, sounding absolutely furious. ”I told you explicitly not to make noise when I have company over. What the fuck are you thinking!! It would have been funny if it hadn’t been so bizarre, how unladylike she suddenly carried herself, stalking towards the door with long angry strides like a man. I worried she’d slam the door open and hurt the puppy, so I mentally prepared myself to run outside and call the police.
But to my surprise, she didn’t! She only cracked the door ajar and looked inside the room. ”You filthy little shit!” she screamed in a terrifying shrill tone, lightyears from the pleasant hostess pitch. “You can forget about being fed today!” She gestured wildly at something I couldn’t see, but I could smell what she was referring to. “Stop crying!” I swear to god I’ll make you clean up every single - Realizing that Tina was preoccupied with ‘Henry’, I decided to make my escape.
But what made me disregard all rules of normal adult conduct, and not just back out slowly with a mumbled ‘call you later’. But run! Run to my car, drive to my mother to pick up my son, and frantically demand we all slept in a motel two hours drive from home was because;
Dogs don’t cry; ”I’m sorry mommy.”