I guess I will just tell my story here. Maybe I will feel less alone. Yes, I’ve been to a doctor, my brain is fine, I don’t meet the criteria to be labeled a person with schizophrenia or anything related. They say I may be suffering from some hallucination, but they are having difficulties explaining much else. They only came to the conclusion because it’s not normal behavior. I feel crazy, I really do, but I know I’m not, I just can’t stand it anymore.
Everything started just on a random day a few months ago, in a bathroom stall of all places, when I was trying to hurry up and get out of work. I was alone that day and did not want to stay any longer than I needed to. As I sat, I noticed in the crack between the door and wall, a wide eye staring at me with a face behind it. This, of course, freaked me out because I thought I was alone. The feeling had gone from a quick moment of panic to confused terror when I looked down and noticed that there were no feet. I looked up, still seeing eyes. I did not want to acknowledge what I saw, so I just started to scroll mindlessly through my phone, distracting myself. About twenty minutes passed and everything was clear. I walked out quickly and made my way home.
I didn’t have any problems for a while and chalked it all up to me just being alone, and my mind was seeking patterns in unusual ways. I continued my life normally until a few weeks went by and, while in bed, my wife accidentally woke me up with a hand landing flat on my face. I turned around facing the bedroom and bathroom door. There again, I could see it. A wide eye was watching me with a slight glare of light reflecting off the eye and the face draped in shadow. I couldn’t keep eye contact. I did the only thing I could do and I still feel embarrassed. I hid myself under the covers like a child. I am a grown man and here I was cowering under the blankets like a small child. But I just couldn’t do it. I can’t explain the feeling that came over me.
In the morning, I started to call around, trying to make appointments to see what was going on. I mean it’s impossible with what I am seeing unless I was mentally unwell, right? I went through doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, anything and anyone to find answers. The best help I got was a bottle of anxiety meds that was pretty low a dose. They were useless, especially as I began seeing this eye more frequently and even in public spaces. It just won’t leave me alone!
A couple of months ago, my wife decided to stay with her grandmother for a while to give me some space hoping that maybe a break might help me, that maybe my stress is the cause. She was wrong. Now home feels like I’m walking into a nightmare. That eye is peeking from behind my couch, from every crack, from the windows, from behind the tables, even from my cabinets. I snapped and started to put plastic and tape up covering anything that thing could hide behind and peek from. My house looked like I belonged in a psych ward, but I felt relief. I finally went to bed and closed my eyes.
I woke up hearing an odd creak, the doorknob turned, and the door cracked open. This thing won’t stop! It gave itself a crack to spy on me with. I can’t do anything. Why won’t it do something? Why does it just watch me?? I think this moment is where I finally gave up. I just stopped trying to avoid it and I have just lived my life every day up to this point, just seeing him watch me everywhere that I go. I barely sleep anymore and I barely eat. I look down everywhere I go to avoid seeing it’s eye again. I know it’s there watching me, and it does bother me, but I am powerless. I can’t stop it.
I begged for a psych evaluation hoping they missed something. Maybe I could be treated for this. I answered so many questions and it went nowhere. They find I have anxiety induced delusions and increased my current dosage. After a week of taking them, I began to feel relief. The eye stopped following me around. I soon took down all the plastic and tape. I started to relax, even asked my wife when she was planning on coming back. I felt normal again! At last until last week. I was sitting on my couch and heard a knock at my door. I walked over to the door and saw beside the window a shadowy face with a strained eye wide-open staring at me. It’s back.
I can’t believe it! I let it lure me into a false sense of security! Everything I did and felt was what it wanted me to do, JUST SO IT COULD STRIP IT AWAY! I can’t handle this! I don’t know what else to do. Please, I just need someone to make me feel less crazy. I know I’m not insane, I just need to feel it, I need confirmation. I need to feel like others don’t see me as that crazy guy that needs to be institutionalized. I just want to feel normal.