I’m still shaking, but I’ll try to write as coherently as possible. First, I need to add a little back story. I have OCD… And along with that I have dermatillomania. If you don’t know what that is, it means I have a skin picking disorder. It used to be really bad, and I’d constantly have bandaids covering my hands. I’m on medication for my OCD now and my problem has gotten significantly better. However, I still have episodes sometimes and I make myself bleed around my fingers especially…
I was scrolling through TikTok absent mindedly falling into that hole we all do when we have nothing better to do. Usually if I see something that upsets me I either flag it to tell TikTok not to show me those things or just scroll past it as quickly as possible. It all started when I saw this TikTok of someone wearing creepy latex makeup to look like a nightmare version of goofy. They were ripping it off their face. I’m sure some of you have seen it… It was a little disconcerting but I scrolled past it… But then I saw this TikTok of Lightning McQueen and what it was saying made my heart drop.
“I don’t like the way my skin feels on my body.” “Do you like the way your skin feels on your body?” “You don’t?” “Why don’t you peel it off?” “Peel off your skin.”
Needless to say I was a little uncomfortable but I told TikTok I didn’t like that, it’s not my cup of tea. And tried to move on. But I could feel the intrusive thoughts that drive my OCD starting to hold on to those words. “Peel off your skin.” I took a deep breath, and grounded myself and tried to let those thoughts go like I learned in therapy. I should have put my phone down. But I didn’t. I wanted a distraction. The next TikTok was normal. I thought I was in the clear. Then there was another one.
It was a black screen with barley noticable eyes in the background and was obviously screen recorded and a robotic voice said
“There are bugs under your skin.”
“There are bugs under your skin.”
“Dig them out.”
” Dig them out.”
My heart was pounding in my throat and I started to shake. I scrolled past it.
There was a fucking nother one
This one was with the background of a drawing of a stick man with a twisted smile and wide open eyes
“Peel off your skin”
“Peel off your skin”
I scrolled. Another. I didn’t watch it, I scrolled past it.
Another one.
And another one.
And another one.
I started crying before I finally closed TikTok and threw my phone across the room. I tried to calm myself down. It was late, I needed to get ready for bed. I tried to ground myself as much as possible. I wasn’t making much progress. My mind just kept repeating those words over and over and over again.
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
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“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
“Peel off your skin.”
I tried to shove off the panic attack and huddled in my bed with all the lights on. I did all the things that have worked in the past. I put on my comfort show, I walked in circles, I wrote in my journal, I tried to draw pictures but nothing was working. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t help it. I started doing my rituals. I was tapping on the walls until I started to feel better, I lit a candle and blew it out until I felt safe but as soon as I stopped the thoughts came back. I cried and I pulled my hair in my hands. I tried to drown out the thoughts by shouting “No!” But it didn’t fucking work.
“If I peel off my skin it’ll stop.”
Silence.
“If I peel off my skin it’ll stop.”
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I couldn’t help it.
I couldn’t fucking help it.
I couldn’t fucking stop.
I peeled off my fucking skin.
My hands.
Typing hurts.
There’s blood on my screen.
I need to tell someone.
I need to write this.
It hurts.
The thought still didn’t fucking stop.
It fucking hurts.
Peel off your skin.