Welcome to Abnorville, the most friggen boring place in America, or at least I think it is, as I’ve never had the pleasure of stepping out side this shitshow of a town due to….. reasons.
The name’s Nat. Nat Cowardly. Just an average guy living the rest of his eternity in one of the most monotonous helscapes known to mankind. Nothing exciting or noteworthy EVER happens. Errands. Work. Sleep. Repeat. Things are way too predictable here to the point that I plan my weeks via my handy To-Do List.
I am the chef and owner of the only human-ran restaurant in town, Chez La Strange. The Goblins run a damn monopoly on all things service industry around here, all other restaurants, all retail, they even run a travel agency for interdimentional monsters, which makes traffic super inconvenient. So I’m lucky to even be left with a job at this point.
However, one “perk” is I get to be a product tester AKA test dummy for anything food and beverage related, thanks to our one and only retail corporation, Goblizon. Of course it isn’t free, so let’s hope today’s product is worth it, because I don’t feel like dealing with customer service begging for a refund. Trust me. Not a fun experience.
Today, I’ve received a package of a new instant espresso that hasn’t it the shelves yet, called Purky Pup espresso, which has the lofty claim to hit your bloodstream as soon as it touches your tongue. I’ve heard there’s some kinks, but let’s find out shall we?
Ok, so first glance, it looks like we’re working with a small round container filled with powdered coffee and as soon as you remove the lid, it’s supposed to instantly turn into liquid due to contact with the air. Then you take it as a shot and it’s on to caffeine city.
That’s pretty genius to be honest so maybe this won’t be too bad. Let’s remove this li-… OK that worked way faster than I expected. Bottoms up!
I can already feel my body surging like I got struck by lightening… weird.
Uhhh my muscles seemed to be pulsing and contracting like they wanna jump out of my skin. That’s…. normal coffee drinker stuff… right?
Ok. What the hell is going on…. my canine teeth seem to have grown so much the just cut the outside of my lips….
There’s that muscle feeling again. Shit. I can hear the fabric of my shirt ripping through every stitching… this isn’t good.
I weirdly feel my pupils dilating and my pulse racing. Oh there’s the caffeine high! Cool.
Except… now I’m not only properly caffeinated… but also extremely hairy. No, not in a I-dont-shave-properly way, more of a I-feel-like-i-have-the-fur-of-a-golden-retriever way….
I think… I think im turning into… a werewolf? Maybe? The high feels great though… like I can work for 4 days straight without sleep and also rip off a 500 pound steel door of its hinges. So normal. Those damn goblins scammed me man.
Yea. Definitely a werewolf. A wet nosed, muscular (ok. That part I could get used to), fanged, jittery, loopy werewolf. Like a.. Jitter Wolf. Yea, that’s catchy.
Ok…. yea… this part hurts…. hold on one for a minute… I need… to…. catch… my… brea…..
Ok. Hey guys. I’m back. Uh. I passed out for, according to the clock… 24 hours. I’m no longer experiencing werewolfdom but my entire fridge is empty, my favorite shirt is ruined and all my temporary fur is literally all over my apartment.
That means one thing and one thing only. The one thing I dreaded. The one thing I loathe in the entire damn world.
I need to visit customer service….