I see things. In the corner of my eyes, in the dark, in abstract shapes, in my daily life. I see things that aren’t really there. For all the things I see though, none of them are real. None of them will come for me. They’re all in my imagination…
Except one.
Don’t make fun of me when I say I see things, because yes I’m aware, we all see things. Given that you’re not blind, of course. What I mean is: we see figments of our imaginations. We see faces in objects. We see manifestations in the clouds. We see qualities in that horribly toxic ex that we can’t get over. But have you ever seen something that didn’t exist?
Little hard to fathom, isn’t it? Things can exist without your ability to see it. But can you see what doesn’t exist? Can you see a thought? You can put it to paper in the form of a drawing or written words. But does that not mean it now exists? You see, you can’t visually see a thought beforehand. It only exists in the owner’s mind. Therefore it does not exist in reality.
If it is impossible, tell me then why I began seeing something that didn’t exist.
Years ago, when I was much more different than the man I am today, I lived alone. I lived in a small house on the corner of Elven Avenue. I was still attending school for my Bachelor’s. I was working part-time at a grocery store on the weekdays and a fast-food restaurant on the weekends. I had hopes, dreams, and fears. Mostly fears.
Dad passed away long ago before I was even potty-trained. Then mom passed away a year after high school. It was rough, but I made it work. Some far, far off relatives helped too. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked for the time. Unfortunately, I was no less confused about life. No less lost. What person that age wasn’t?
I wish I had the mentality I do now because not one day passed without me laying in bed, fearful. Fearful of being a disappointment to my parents. Fearful of losing my home and belongings. Fearful to talk to Deborah at the counter. Fearful of the crappy bosses. Fearful of bugs. Fearful of the world and its infinite possibilities. It was all too much.
One night, when I was most down on my luck, I saw something strange in the hallway. I was going to the bathroom when I felt something, like eyes on my back. That feeling was nothing new. My entire life I had that feeling. My entire life I ignored it. During that night, however, I lacked the courage to walk through the dark. Something primal within told me I needed light. Staring down the hall, I flipped on the light switch. That’s when I saw it for the first time.
A face.
It flashed before my eyes. Then it was gone. I didn’t even have time to fully register what I saw at that moment. For only a split-second it was there. All I could make out was a white blob. Of course I paid it no mind, thinking it was my eyes playing tricks or them adjusting to the light.
I kept seeing that face, though. Every time I flipped the light switch on I saw it. I had been seeing it so much the face started to become clearer. Gaunt, frizzy hair, small beady eyes. A straight line for a mouth, like a child’s drawing. And most terrifying, a cavernous hole where the nose should have been. I realized eventually the flashing image was not only clearer because I was seeing it more…
But also because it was moving closer.
Only at night it showed itself. And only at night did I feel its presence. I wondered if it was always in the hallway. I wondered if that was where the sense of unease and dread came from when passing through in the dark. I wondered if that was why I felt like I’d be grabbed and yanked back.
From then on I refused to turn on the light at night. I refused to use a flashlight too unless I had turned it on in another room beforehand. Some may call me crazy. “Just turn on the light,” they may say. But I came to find that it existed in between the transitioning of dark to light. Between that space in time, that flash, it moved. As long as I did not allow that transition, it could not.
Time passed. When I could no longer handle walking through the dark with eyes and hands constantly hovering over me, I began leaving the light on all day. I began running through the hall. Just so it could be avoided, I even began thinking of other ways out of the house. The windows were the prime candidates. After all, I only truly needed my room and the bathroom. Food could be gotten elsewhere, and I could do laundry elsewhere too. My finances would have suffered severely had I gone through with it, but at that point, I was willing to do whatever it took to avoid the issue.
So then, not only did I fear the outside world, but also the inside. At least I finally had a good reason to be afraid.
That fear didn’t stay confined to my house, however. Every dark room I came across from then on, hesitation always followed. Fear always followed. I couldn’t help but see that same white face in the darkness. At times, I swore I may have felt that same presence too.
Even in my mind that face haunted me. I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing it. I would lay awake in bed all night, waiting to pass out. I was too afraid. How can you blame me? You try closing your eyes with that face lingering in your mind when alone at night.
Sleeping wasn’t my only fear. Waking too. I knew it could not move without turning on the light. But what if it did? What if my knowledge of it was wrong? What if I woke one day to see it leaning over me, inches away, its dried hair scratching my face, its dead eyes peeled, leering at me? Simply standing over me and watching all night as I slept…
Imagine that.
Thankfully, nothing like that ever happened. Nothing ever truly happened, actually. Was living with that thing hard? Of course. But I managed with the extra work and the routine. No it was not dealt with, but it was controlled. For me, that was enough.
Turns out living with a supernatural entity does wonders for one’s courage. It was by no means easy, but maybe that’s why I was feeling so courageous so suddenly. I figured if I could overcome that thing, I could overcome anything. After all, what is more terrifying than actual impending doom?
Believe it or not, I finally worked myself up to talk to Deborah. Not a man of monumental steps, I hadn’t planned to ask her out yet, but actually speaking to her never would have happened before. While I was dressing for work and preparing myself for Deborah, the light in the hallway began flickering. I didn’t pay it much mind at first. It was simply dimming, but it never turned off completely.
Until it did. Like dozing off in class, over and over again the light died before quickly snapping back. Slowly my attention turned towards the flickering hallway. The lightbulb hadn’t been changed in some time, I realized.
I watched as it flashed on and off, as if a child was playing with the switch. I imagined that thing was as thrilled as a child too, finally able to move after so long. The thought of its one-lined straight lip bending into a sinister smile was what terrified me enough to bolt for the door.
I couldn’t close it in time. It had already moved so much all that time ago. It only needed one final push to reach my room. That moment was also the first time I learned it could interact with the world. Not only could a non-existent thing be seen, it could be touched.
The door blew wide open, smashing a hole into the wall and tumbling off its hinges. I shielded myself from any debris and cowered into a corner. When I opened my eyes, everything was black. The light in the hallway had died for good. The bedroom light was also off. I closed my eyes again, ensuring that they were indeed closed. Then I opened them. Still dark.
A chill shot through my spine, causing a shudder and my neck to crane and fists to ball. My chest heaved in and out as hot sweat trickled down my clammy skin. Try as I did, I could not open my eyes wider to see through the darkness. The familiar panic of primal fear returned.
I thought I had a handle on that thing. I thought I dealt with it. I thought it was over. Then everything came tumbling down, as if my courage had been built on a house of cards. I felt as if I was standing at the edge of a cliff, staring into an endless void, preparing to leap in with no parachute or cord - the tension feeling like needles digging into my bleeding skin.
At first I thought the heavy breathing was my own. I stared into the darkness and waited. The longer I was in the corner, the more I came to the realization that wasn’t me.
Until that point I had never heard it at all. Then again, I never saw it touch anything either. Definitely not to the extent of wrecking my home. Goes to show how much I alone truly understood that thing.
I reached for my phone, only to realize I left it on the drawer. Which sat next to the door. I sighed in defeat. “No,” was all I could muster.
What was I supposed to do? How could I escape that situation? Who would I call for? Would I be trapped in that stalemate until I turned as gaunt and hollow as the thing before me? Would I end up like that wrenching thing - alone, filthy, and miserable?
“No,” I said again, my breath unsteady and near shambles.
I didn’t want to be like that thing. Nor did I wish to be controlled by it. And in that moment, I realized maybe I didn’t need to be either. I did not need to work my life around it. I did not need it to drag me down. I did not need to think about it constantly.
I did not need to fear it anymore.
Although I was unsure I would make it out of that house alive, I was going to try. And it would not be through the windows, it would be through the front door. I could have failed, I could have been attacked, I could have died. But I could not accept anything less. Only when I had given it my all would that have been enough.
Once a free man, I would do more than talk to Deborah, I would ask her out. I would do more than receive verbal beatings from my bosses. I would do more than standby as others were belittled. I would stand up and face what I could not. I would do all that and more!
Rising on shaky knees, I stood. At first I needed the wall as a support. Then I pushed off to stand on my own.
Never before had my heart beat so triumphantly. Like a hero in the movies, I rose to the slow crescendo. Like flipping a switch, I suddenly saw life in a new light. It did not matter that darkness surrounded me.
I approached the door. Half my brain was screaming to run. The other was telling me to take another step - just one more. I listened to that second half. I needed to keep going.
No, I wanted to keep going.
That excitement and adrenaline was like a drug to me. Power unheard of coursed through my veins. A bull could not move me. A train could not move me. The Earth could not move me!
Standing before it, I could feel its steamy breath on my face. I could feel its eyes glaring down at me. I could feel its intentions, its eagerness to pounce.
I did not care. I could not. I stared back at it. I stood my ground and held firm. Then I reached for my phone and brought it up in front of me, screen faced away.
I turned it on.
Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing happened. Nothing was there. I was alone. Flipping the light switch repeatedly, there continued to be nothing. All that remained was me. Just me. It had always been me.
I talked to Deborah. Turned out she already had a boyfriend. Yes it was a bummer, but it couldn’t overshadow the monumental achievement prior.
She did tell me I seemed cool. So she invited me to a party that weekend. It was a disaster for me, but at least I was there, and the following parties. At least I finally found a circle of friends. At least I found a girlfriend. At least I stood up to both my terrible bosses. At least I could finally give a public speech. At least I stood up for those that could not stand on their own. At least I no longer felt weak and small.
At last I finally made a change.
I know many of you here are accustomed to bad endings. Or if not bad, then at least not good. I know this may not have been the ending you were expecting. Too cheesy, too obvious, too cliche, too campy. Be that as it may, this really happened. I did it. Not overnight, mind you. It took time, yes. But don’t most great achievements in life?
If you struggle as I did, know that it’s not impossible. You can do it, whatever it is you may fear. Do not allow that fear to stop you. Remember, to be brave does not mean to be fearless. It means to act in spite of your fears. Look to me for proof. Unlike that thing, I exist.