You know how every town has that one house? The one that just kind of doesn’t seem right? My town has one called the Prescott House. The people who live there aren’t named Prescott, it’s the name of the street, but the thing is so imposing, so unsettling, it overtakes every other house on that block. You may live on Prescott Street but you don’t live in the Prescott House, get it?
Anyways, I was terrified of that thing growing up. I would run past it on my way home from school, eyes shut just pumping my little legs as fast as I could. One day I swore the front door swung open as I ran past and I nearly pissed myself. I had nightmares about that house until I was like fourteen. I guess it’s just one of those things that as you grow up becomes less and less scary. It was a creepy house and that was that. Then I picked up our local paper this morning and read the “Home for Sale” section and suddenly I was that little kid again, heart thumping in my ears and that cool tingle going down your spine like something is trailing a fingernail down your back. The Prescott House is looking for new owners.
I’ll just type out the article how it was written, I don’t think my summarizing could do it justice.
Historic Home for Sale! Please Read Fine Print
Well loved, and charming Victorian style home, built sometime in 1880 looking for new owners!
To whom it may concern,
We the owners of number six Prescott Street have decided in our ever increasing age to sell what remains of a family legacy. While we have loved our home for generations it is time to say goodbye. While we would have preferred to leave the home to a family member, unfortunate circumstances have caused us to look elsewhere. While we could leave the home in the capable hands of (redacted) Realty, we feel it is our duty to fully disclose what owning this home entails.
This is a six bedroom, seven bathroom home with expansive property including access to a private lake and orchard. The price is listed at $100,000. We understand that a home of this size with the included property should sell for over ten times that amount, we are very motivated sellers. Secondly, a house of this age does come with a few quirks that will be addressed.
Below is a set of rules that our family has used for generations to keep ourselves and our home happy. If these rules are not followed to the letter then we cannot guarantee that there will not be repercussions. Please read every rule before making an offer on this house. While we cannot be held responsible for the actions that may occur if these rules are broken we can only implore you to follow them exactly. We pray that in time someone could learn to love this house in its own special way as we have. We ask that our community grants us grace, and please understand we have tried to keep this home for as long as we can, but we cannot hold out forever.
House Rules:
-The kitchen sink has occasionally leaked with what looks and smells like human blood. It is best to ignore this when it happens and do not drink from the faucet
-While we have listed this home as having six bedrooms, there are technically seven. You must never enter the seventh bedroom at the end of the second floor hallway. We repeat DO NOT ENTER THE SEVENTH BEDROOM!
-Rarely, you may hear what you think is the sound of a young woman crying from somewhere in what was the servant’s entrance stairwell. Do not go looking for this woman! If she calls you by name, immediately leave the house until sunrise the next day.
-There is no attic at number six Prescott Street no matter what anyone tells you.
-There is a basement at number six Prescott Street but it is best to pretend there isn’t one.
-There have been sightings of a young man hanging from the closet door in the Blue Bedroom. If you see him and his eyes are closed you may sleep in that room for the night. If his eyes are open you must not sleep in that room. If he has no eyes at all, you must leave the home immediately until the following sunrise.
-Deer are often seen in the woods surrounding the home, they may even approach you. These are generally kind animals, but you must be weary of the ones with rotting teeth and gray eyes.
-Children should never be allowed in the second story bathroom.
-The orchards occasionally produce beautiful looking apples. Do not eat these apples! They are usually rotted under the skin but have been known to cause violent hallucinations if ingested.
-The woman who is seen drowning in the lake is not really there. She drowned in 1940 and will try to take you with her to the bottom if she catches you.
-It is best not to bring pets into the home, they tend to end up eviscerated on the front porch.
-The little girl who inhabits the kitchen is very sweet, her name is Kate. Please take good care of her. Kate will need protection from the Grey Man.
-The Grey Man seems to like staying in the study across from the ballroom. He is very temperamental and has attacked several family members. If you smell the overwhelming aroma of cigar smoke and cognac he is near. He seems to fear fire, but that has yet to be proven without a doubt.
-The library will be left with all the books pictured in the listing. Please note that the books on the third shelf from the top seem to bleed if read. There is also what appears to be a book made from human flesh - this will remain locked in the library’s credenza, the key to which has been hidden for decades for everyone’s best interest.
-We will be leaving all the furniture in the house, but we will not be leaving a large leather armchair in the master bedroom. THERE IS NO LEATHER ARMCHAIR IN THE MASTER BEDROOM. If you see one, immediately close and lock the door.
-Never take baths at night, the woman who inhabits the clawfoot tub in the bathroom adjacent to the nursery becomes rather upset.
-Children should never be permitted in the nursery.
-If a small child appears on your doorstep and asks to use your phone, do not let them in! They change their appearance often so be on the look-out.
-The wielding on the stained-glass windows has been known to ooze with a substance that has yet to be identified. Best to ignore this.
-The floorboards will try and trick you. They seem to have acquired a taste for human blood and leave rusted nails turned up out of the boards. Don’t bother cleaning up any spilled blood, the floor will drink it.
There are a few more rules that our family has been following but in order to save space in print we have decided to only divulge the first twenty. If you believe you can abide by these rules and make this house your next home please call the number listed. Again, we are motivated sellers! The house will not let us leave until we find its next owner. May God have mercy on us.
That’s it, that’s the whole listing. I mean I wanted to write it off as a joke or some poorly planned Halloween trick but I don’t think it is. Part of me wants to know everything, part of me wants to pretend I never read that. Maybe thats why I’m posting it here. I know I just told you all that I was terrified of that house, I know I told you I felt fear just reading about it but theres this little voice in my head that is saying “Do it.” That’s crazy, right? I mean sure six but really seven bedrooms and a library and a private lake all for $100,000 is a steal…and I am good at following directions. I don’t know. What do you think?