I just can’t get rid of that feeling that Ricky’s out to get me, pay me back. Because I’m cheating on him with Nathan.
That’s how he’ll see it anyway. I know that. I know him better than anyone else ever could. Including himself. But everyone will tell me it’s just my wild imagination.
It’s true I have way too much imagination, always have had. More than I’ve ever really known what to do with. That’s why I got into this business, of course, but I still seem to have too much left over, dammit. Unless I’m just plumb crazy. Maybe the two things go together.
Anyway, to get back to Ricky and Nathan. In the weirdest way, I suppose, what I’m doing, you could call it a form of cheating. But it’s more accurate to say I’ve just moved on to Nathan – just temporarily. Because I need a break from Ricky. He never tells me what he wants, never gives any hint of how he wants things to go. I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I just need a break is all – but how can I explain it to him? He never listens to anyone, least of all me.
It’s not like he needs to be jealous of Nathan. Actually they aren’t dissimilar in looks – of course I do tend to go for a certain physical type - tall, slim, dark-haired. Nathan’s hair is even darker than Ricky’s I think and he’s a bit younger. But Ricky is still pretty damn young himself of course. And Nathan is good-looking, sure, but not as good-looking as Ricky. No guy ever could be, as far as I’m concerned. And they’re quite different in character. Nathan is calm and considerate and that’s a nice change from Ricky’s craziness. I know where I am with him. We can really work together. Whereas the word ‘work’ isn’t even in Ricky’s vocabulary, I guess.
Still, it’s not really his fault, is it? I made him what he is. He owes everything to me, actually. But that’s not to say that he can’t turn on me and do goodness knows what. And that’s why I’m feeling so uneasy lately. I feel like he’s on my trail. Every so often, when out and about, I catch a glimpse of him – or think I do. Unless there’s another tall dark incredibly hot guy that’s suddenly decided to track me down. No – that seems even less possible actually. It is Ricky, I just know it. Just waiting his moment to strike …
Or am I just being too melodramatic? That certainly isn’t outwith the realm of possibility either. But what about Nathan? Christ, what if he goes after Nathan instead? That would be even worse, wouldn’t it? Because Nathan’s innocent. It isn’t his fault I’ve decided to turn to him.
It’s getting worse. Those cryptic sinister messages appearing on my phone, from ‘Unknown number.’ Strictly speaking, Ricky’s number had always been unknown to me anyway – we hadn’t needed to communicate that way. But it’s all just freaking me out more and more.
And finally, it’s happened. Nathan is gone.
I woke up today and I just knew he had gone. And now I can’t locate him, no matter how hard I try.
Not that I necessarily believe Ricky’s responsible, though. Nathan has just deserted me, that’s all. Lately he was getting more irritated with me, I could sense it, although he tried not to show it. Because my nerves were so frazzled, things just weren’t working smoothly between us as before. He’s had enough and bailed.
Ricky wouldn’t have gone after Nathan. It’s just me he’s angry with.
Or maybe I just need to turn myself into the nearest shrink.
Because, after all, there’s really no way that a character can step out of your stories and start to come after you, is there?
I’m just so tired, trying to make it work – dancing back and forth between different stories, different characters, trying to make something stick. I thought I could finally get somewhere with Nathan but evidently I was wrong about that too.
And as for Ricky, well, I guess my mistake with him was giving him too much life. Too fiery and intense, too goddammed attractive for his own good – for my good, actually. My ideal guy really, and I thought he was all mine, my vivid creation. But when it actually came to writing his story – well, I just couldn’t. He was too un co-operative. Of course I’d made him like that.
But what if he is something more, after all?
See? That’s my crazy imagination again. It’ll be the downfall of me yet. Better make that shrink’s appointment.
And, after all, even if he has manifested in the actual physical world, he wouldn’t kill me or anything, right? He can’t do that without destroying himself.
Or can he?