My name is Thomas. I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. At least that’s what ive been diagnosed with, on some level i wonder if I’m just more aware of whole reality that neurotypical people just can’t sense… or other dimensions or something. My schizophrenia becomes stronger as i get older, and if i dont take my Clozapine for more than a day or two i can see some pretty weird shit. Im 28 now and cant live on my own because when it gets bad it gets really bad. it sucks because most of the time when people see me without medication they basically stop talking to me immediately. i swear i have a good heart i just cant help but react when i see things.
This one time I forgot to take my clozapine for a day, the day basically went fine because the meds take a while to leave your system but when I went to bed, I woke up needing to go to the bathroom. I saw a really dirty looking young girl in my room leaning right over the side of my bed literally 2 feet above my face as I opened my eyes. she had yellow eyes and a bloody scab covered face. I screamed so loud that my roommate basically broke down my door trying to get into my room to see what was wrong with me. as soon as they got the door opened and flipped on the lights she was gone. like she definitely hadn’t actually been there. But i saw her clear as day. I even felt blood or sweat or something like that land on my face.
I told my roommate that it had just been a nightmare. In a way I wasn’t lying… I was asleep and awoke to something so horrifying that I literally couldn’t move a muscle out of fear. but i know what it’s like to have this disease, and I was definitely fully awake. it’s like I genuinely see stuff that cannot be real. most of the time it is absolutely terrifying shit like that night. I live my life in a balance of terror and medication. it’s no way to live. I often contemplate suicide. I just can’t bring myself to accept that its absolutely not real… like in my gut I am genuinely horrified of what I might see around the corner. I break down and have total panic attacks if I can’t get my medication well before I even see anything strange, because of the memories of the past times I have gone without meds. Being my friend must be a nightmare. No wonder I have no friends.
I was lucky I had a caring mother who did her best to make sure I never ran out of medication and who would literally drop everything and even leave work if it meant preventing me from going without my meds. My father was a little less sympathetic. I rarely talked to him even on holidays ever since he called me a lunatic when I told him about that night with the creepy girl. Fuck him. its been over a year since the last time i missed my meds.
Well… that is until my mom died in a car accident. I grew to rely on her so much. She was my only friend. the only person willing to try to understand me and what i see. even if she didn’t believe what i was saying was true, she acted like she cared about how i felt regardless. she didn’t put me down or try to constantly tell me what was real. she just loved me.
About 2 weeks after her death i ran out of Clozapine again. i remember it was 7pm when i realized that i had not only forgotten my meds but that i had actually run out the day before. normally i would have called my mom as she kept a few extra pills for me for just this kind of situation. god damnit i missed her. but its really hard to miss her when the closet door keeps opening and closing on its own. i dont know if i was just seeing it or if it was really happening. i could hear the door whether or not i was even looking at it. i got up and walked over to the door and slammed it shut. my roommate just happened to be walking down the hallway when i did that and she yelled that i startled her. her yell totally scared the shit out of me and i screamed bloody murder. she opened my door and saw my sitting on the ground with my back to the closet door holding it closed for dear life totally out of breath, covered in sweat staring up at her. i must’ve looked a mess because i hadn’t slept well for days thinking about my mother.
…it was the final straw. i totally freaked her out and she left. she packed her shit, and she left immediately. for me, It was an all time low. Just complete rock bottom. How could god let life be this difficult for me? What did I do to deserve this god damned life! I fucking hate this! I just wanna die. Nobody loves me. I dont love anybody either. Fuck everyone.
So… that was last night. I think? As I’m writing this i find myself in some strange place I don’t recognize at all. or rather can’t… I’m in total darkness. surrounded by it. I keep hearing that same snickering that was in my closet last night. it’s cold… and the walls are made of concrete. it looks like there’s a window that i might be able to climb out of on the top side of the wall here. its so scary i can hardly move my head to look around. I swear i just went to sleep after.. wait. I cant remember anything from after my roommate slammed the door behind her. i dont even know where i am right now. What is this place? how did i get here? I gotta get the hell out of here. Ill be right back, im gonna go for that window.
Okay so I got out. I crawled out of what seems to have been an old air return at the floor level of a hallway in some old abandonded house. it was completely dark on the main level too. to the right was a pitch black doorway into some kind of room, some kind of breathy whispering beckoning me to come in, got some seriously sinister vibes from there. to hell with that. to my left seemed to have at least a tiny amount of light coming in from the outside. so i decided to head that way.
As i walked into the room i realized it was the front living room of the house as there was a front door with a little half circle window at the top of it letting in some moonlight from outside.. although there was nothing but a single chair with my sister sitting in it in the left corner of the room. only problem is she died a long time ago from alcohol poisoning at 17 years old. she was always shitfaced drunk even during the daytime back then. she was such an abusive piece of shit to us growing up. i know she cant be real but she seems so real.. and still totally drunk too. she couldnt even keep her head up straight. like as if it was broken or something. i wasnt sure who she even was until she said something while staring at the wall, i couldnt even see her face but i absolutely recognized her voice. at first she was whispering, i couldnt hear it. i slowly crept towards her to hear what she was saying. the closer i got the louder she spoke. Run. She was practically yelling it by the time she turned and looked at me. she had those same yellow eyes. terror completely took over my body and thank god i could run.
And i did. i ran to the door and opened it. looks like this is the only house here. there are literally no other houses anywhere that i can see and the road out front is like an abandonded highway or something. for whatever reason i decided left is the way. i got tired of running and now im walking. i see another house up ahead, maybe someones home. Im gonna run again. that damned cackling is still in my head. although it almost sounds like it was in the house? Im not sure. ill be back
Bad news. this isnt real. it cant be. everything seems so weird here. when i got to the house i knocked on the door and it just opened as if someone was waiting for my knock but as you might have guessed, with my head, there was nobody. I dont know if i opened it myself or if it actually just freakin opened on its own. i knocked i know i did. my predicament also got much much worse. I think at this point im just writing this becuase i am too terrified to look up from the screen of my phone. I went into the house after the door opened, scared as hell but without options anyways. it was so damn dark. No power. No switches. no light bulbs anywhere actually. on the right wall i could make out a staircase heading upstairs, and the wall directly in front of me had a doorway leading into a kitchen i think. i cant see. why cant i hear my own footsteps?
I decided i would go through the doorway directly in front of me. I guess because going upstairs means i have no way out but backwards. Plus i thought i heard someone in the kitchen. Wrong. I didnt hear someone at all. It was something. It was this sort of animal. like a dog but extremely obese. with legs just big enough to hold it off the ground. its face looked like it had three times as much skin as it needed to cover it. there was no nose. its eyes were yellow just like the girl from that one night. I froze in fear and just as fast as that happened it stopped moving or making any noise at all. Like it was listening. I stepped to the right behind a cabinet. i closed my eyes and held my breath. after what seemed like an eternety i breathed out slowly and opened my eyes. it was standing with its nose an inch from mine. i immediately recognized the face too. it was the girl that stood over my bed that one night. only she was huge and deformed. before i could even react she grabbed me and bear hugged me so hard i could feel my shoulders pop out of socket. i tried to break free but made literally not even the slightest difference. she totally completely had me and there wasnt anything thing i could do. Totally hopeless. as she grabbed me my feet got hot. like really hot. they were on fire. i looked down and could see a flame surrounding my feet and coming up my body. the creature stared into my eyes and laughed like a drunk spitting some sort of tar out of its mouth as it did. it screamed at me in some weird language ive never heard. It kept screaming and laughing until i guess i passed out.
Now im here. im completely naked and Its dark. really dark. That damn cackling wont stop. I see flames but they aren’t illuminating anything around them at all if that makes sense. I can see the flames as if theyre lit, but theres not light coming off of them. its really hot too. the floor burns my feet and hands and knees. i can hear people whispering but i cant see them. Im gonna try and talk to someone. be right back.
Okay.. I got up and walked around and i brushed up against someone. they shushed me and then through touch brought my ear near their mouth. We never leave. we cant die. he just kept saying that while sobbing. im so scared. i can see something off in the distance. this room is massive i cant see any walls at all. its gotta be 300 feet away from me. looks like its searching for something. its huge like 9 or 10 feet tall. its kind of glowing. like it has some sort of light source that i can sense but i cant tell what its coming from. dear lord please save me. oh god i think it just looked at me.
…well its true. we cant die. that creature saw me from so far away and ran at me faster than ive ever seen an animal move. when it got to me it was so strong. it laughed as it ripped my arms off. it grabbed the skin that was torn and started pulling it off of my body. i was awake the whole time too. i felt every tendon tear.. every bone break. im so glad it crushed my head against the floor underneath its hoof as it seems to have made me pass out. I just woke up again. we never leave. we never die.
Oh my god.