As the lightning flashes through the cracks in my bedroom curtains, my thoughts slowly begin to wander.
What if….
What if I could take it all back? What if we had never played those stupid games, said those stupid things. Would things be different? Would I be less afraid to close my eyes in the darkness of my own room?
They always say kids will be kids, but what happens when those kids make adult choices? In the blink of an eye we suddenly became something more than a kid but less than adult.
We used to be friends, or at least that’s what I thought. The three of us spent all our time together, we were inseparable…
Now I lay here unable to sleep, with nothing but the constant nagging of racing mind. I wonder where they are now, if they’re thinking about me or the last time we hung out. I doubt they even miss me, they never bother to check in. You’d think I moved away from this little town, but I haven’t. I am where I’ve always been, at home.
Every night I relive the moment that ended our relationship for good.
It all started on a night much like tonight, rain drizzling and thunder cracking. I was laying in bed just like I am now, unable to sleep because I could feel the strain in our friendship growing into a void.
Laying there I felt a small vibration coming from my left side where my phone had been laying.
Wanna come out tonight? -L
Against my better judgement I eagerly told her I would, desperate for anyway to bring back the friendship we once had.
Sure, pick me up?
The rain had begun to slow when Lauren and Abigail pulled into the parking lot of the small apartment complex I live in. Without a moments hesitation I slowly made my way out my bedroom window and across the parking lot where they were waiting for me.
“Hurry up and get in slow poke,” Abigail teased as I slid into the backseat.
“Kind of hard to hurry when you’re trying not to fall on your ass into one of the eight million puddles I had to pass to get here,” I shot back while laughing a little.
I turn to Lauren next, “soooo where we going?”
Lauren doesn’t answer right away but her and Abigail exchange a look that I couldn’t quite decipher.
Finally she says, “I thought it would be nice if we kind of just drove around for a bit. There’s supposed to be a party at Jack’s house, but it doesn’t start for another hour and I don’t want to be the first ones there.”
“Nice a good party is exactly what we’ve been needing. I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve all hung out together,” I say excitedly.
And so that’s what we did. We drove, and drove, and then kept driving until I couldn’t recognize one town from another. We laughed and joked the whole time. As the music blared it was finally beginning to seem like we were putting the pieces back together. We were going to be okay.
The time had slipped away just like the road behind us, it was now the perfect time to make a well executed entrance to the party. Not early enough to be the first ones but not late enough to not be noticed as we walked through the front doors of Jacks parents house. Lauren always had to make a show out of everything we did together.
I’m not really a party girl myself, but if it makes my friends happy I’m always willing to tag along.
“I’m going to go get us some drinks,” Abigail shouts over the roaring of the music.
“I’ll come with you to help you carry them,” Lauren says in response as they both start to walk away.
I take that as my cue to try and mingle with everyone else in the crowded living room. I don’t make it very far when suddenly a really drunk dude runs through the crowd and I get an elbow to the ribcage. If I wasn’t awake before I definitely am now. I turn around to walk back to the door as I struggle to breathe from the impact of the hit. Finally, I make it and as soon as I breathe in the fresh air a wave of relief washes over me and the pain begins to subside.
While I’m sitting there on the front steps of the house I hear the door behind open then click shut. Hoping it’s Lauren or Abigail I turn to look, but my optimism turned to disappointment when I see the face of a boy who I don’t even know.
“Hey now don’t look so upset to see me,” the boy says with a smirk hidden in the corners of his mouth.
He must have seen the look I tried to hide when I realized he wasn’t one of my so called friends.
“Don’t take it personal,” I tell him “you just weren’t the person I thought was coming out.”
“Ooh I see, you’re out here waiting for your boyfriend right.”
“Ha as if, that would probably less complicated if I had a boyfriend to begin with.”
“Complicated? Lay it on me, what could be so complicated that it has you out here missing an awesome party?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” I say to him, trying to avoid telling a complete stranger my stupid friend drama.
“Touché, well I’m out here missing this awesome party because… well actually I don’t really have a reason. But it does feel nice out here so maybe that could be my reason”
I laugh a little at his completely ridiculous reason to be missing something he claims is awesome.
“Well if that’s your reason, then I think it can be mine too.”
“Hey now, that’s not how this works. Only one customer per excuse and that one is taken. All jokes aside if you need to talk I’ll listen, nothing better than pouring it all out to a slightly intoxicated stranger on the front steps of someone else’s house.”
I pause for a moment and think about it. Then it all starts coming out without a pause. How Lauren and I have been for as long as I can remember. How Abigail then became apart of the mix. How everything was great for awhile. The more words that came out the better I was starting to feel just being able to say the things I was thinking. I told him everything, from start to finish, and not one time did he try to interrupt me.
I told him about how it seemed like they were going apart from me. They rarely invite me out with them anymore and when they do I still end up finding myself alone much like I am now at this party. I didn’t really understand what I could have done for them to barely acknowledge the fact that I exist or existed as part of the group. I’m just lost is how I ended the whole thing.
After I finished he paused for a moment before taking a breath and saying, “Honestly, that would be a lot for anyone to go through. Well fuck, if I were you I’d demand to know what was up and if they couldn’t give me a solid answer then I’d move on. I’m sure there are plenty of other people in this world or hell even at this party who would kill to be friends with you.”
“You know for a stranger at a party at 3am you’re pretty wise,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
“Some would call it a gift,” he says back with a slight sarcastic tone and a hint of the same smirk from earlier.
“I might just take that advice.”
“Good, I’d hate to see a girl as pretty as you stay so sad.”
I open my mouth to reply with some witty comeback but I feel my face slowly start to turn red out of embarrassment. I turn away hoping he doesn’t notice but apparently too late because a little laugh slipped out of his mouth.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, now regaining my composure.
“Oh nothing, it was just cute how your face turned all red when I called you pretty. You act like you’ve never heard anyone call you that before.”
“I… I umm haven’t really, and what are you doing going around calling girls pretty when you don’t even know their name.” I say with a laugh to try and relieve some of the awkwardness.
“Okay okay, that’s fair. So, what is your name then if I may ask.”
I pause for a moment not sure if I really want him to know my name after the embarrassingly long rant I just spilled on him.
“Sierra,” I finally respond. He already knows my inner most thoughts at the moment, what’s the harm in putting a name to them.
“Well Sierra, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Ryker.”
“Nice to meet you you.” I laugh as I hold my hand out for him to shake.
He doesn’t let go right away, which honestly I don’t really mind. I can tell he’s thinking about what to say next, but for the first time during this whole interaction he doesn’t know how to.
Finally he settles with, “Well Sierra it is getting pretty late, or early, however you want to look at it. I should probably head out. Do you want me to give you a ride home or anything?”
“Hmmm a ride home with stranger I just met about an hour ago, you’re not planning on murdering me are you?” I laugh as I finish the sentence.
“I don’t think we are strangers anymore after everything you just told me Sierra, plus strangers don’t know each others names.”
“Okay okay fair point but as nice as you have been I wouldn’t want to bother you with one more thing. Plus I should probably go back in and try to find Lauren and Abigail. I’m sending a long conversation with them in the near future.”
“Well alright, if you’re sure, but I really don’t mind. Can I give you my number in case that conversation doesn’t go in your favor. Wouldn’t want you getting stuck here if your ride decides it doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.”
“Although I sense ulterior motives, sure, hand me your phone. Mines still in the car I can text myself from yours. That way you’ll have my number too.”
“Haha I’m not sure what you mean by ulterior motives,” he smirks again, “but seriously if you end up needing a lift just call I’ll answer.”
“Thank you Ryker, have a good rest of your night. And thanks for listening!”
“You have a good night too Sierra,” he replies as he starts walking down the rows of cars parked in the yard.
I stand there for a minute and watch as he gets into one of the cars. I see it disappear around the corner at the end of the street before deciding to rejoin the party.
It doesn’t take me long to find Lauren and Abigail. I spot them dancing on each other on top of a table with a group of guys cheering them on. Typical Lauren, always has to be the center of attention no matter where she goes. I stand in the corner and wait for the song to end and then to get off the table before I approach.
“Hey you guys ready to head out soon,” I shout to them over the music.
“Dude where have you been this whole time,” Lauren asks me completely ignoring what I just said.
“I just had to get some air,” I respond not wanting to start a fight here by mentioning that they’re the ones who ditched me first.
“Well you’ve missed all the fun in here that’s for sure,” Abigail pipes up.
“I’m sure it was a blast,” I say trying to hide my annoyance.
“Are you guys ready to head out?” I try again.
Abigail looks at Lauren like she’s waiting for her to respond first before she says what she’s thinking.
Lauren finally answers, “Yeah I guess it is getting pretty late and we should get you home before anyone realizes you’re gone.”
Abigail chimes in, “I’m pretty exhausted too so that’s probably a good idea.”
“Plus we don’t want to be the last ones here either, that’s almost as bad as being the first.” Lauren states.
With that we all walk out the door of the party and get in her car. As Lauren drives I find my phone on the seat I left it and go to the text I sent myself from Rykers phone. I add his name and number to my contacts before sending him a text.
Thx for the advice, wish me luck, it’s happening now! -S
He responds back seconds later.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes, I’ll be up for awhile. -R ;)
I put my phone back in my pocket and take a deep breath before starting to talk.
“Hey do you guys think we could stop somewhere and talk before you drop me off?”
“Why can’t you talk while I drive?” Lauren asks.
“It’s just it’s kind of important and I want to make sure we have enough time to finish the conversation.” I tell her.
They agreed to find a place to park so we can talk. The entire mine I can feel my heart racing in my chest. I can’t believe I’m really doing this. Lauren finally finds an old run down gas station in the middle of god knows where and parks the car. She gets out to fill her tank and grab some snacks then pulls us into the back corner of the parking lot away from building.
I try to let everything off my chest just like I had when Ryker was listening but Lauren wouldn’t have it. Everyone I try to say how I feel about everything she cuts me off and inserts a different lame meaningless excuse. Eventually it starts becoming a match in who can say their opinion louder. Lauren and Abigail eventually become so loud that I just shut up and let their words hit me like a tsunami.
“What? Nothing left to say?” Lauren throws at me with a snarky attitude.
“No point in saying anything if you aren’t even going to let me finish a sentence without getting defensive,” I say flatly.
“Well it’s not our fault that you’ve been kind of lame all summer,” Abigail says as she rolls her eyes.
“How would you know I’ve been lame, you two have been avoiding me like the plague this last month and a half.”
“You’re just such a goody goody, you NEVER, want to do anything fun.” Lauren says seeming annoyed.
“Yeah well the last time we hung out, A MONTH AND A HALF AGO, your guys idea of fun was getting wasted and making out with eachother. Excuse me for not thinking watching you two fondle each other was fun.”
“You know what Sierra just shut the fuck up!” Lauren yells at me.
“Fine just take me home, I knew this was going to be an awful idea. Maybe I should just find new friends since you two have each other now.”
“I’m not sure what the fuck you mean by that but sure, whatever, I’ll take you home. Just to spare you the walk, but the sooner you exit my car the better,” snaps Lauren.
I don’t respond because I don’t want her to change her mind about taking me home. The rest of the ride is complete silence, I spend the whole time trying to avoid looking up Lauren and Abigail. At one point tho I look up and notice Lauren giving that same indecipherable look as earlier to Abigail. I’m not sure what it means but it’s probably not important.
I don’t bother to text Ryker back, this whole thing was an absolute disaster and I don’t need him, an almost complete stranger, worrying about me. A girl he just met. I’ll probably tell him in the morning after I’ve had the rest of the night to cool down.
Finally the car comes to a stop after what feels like forever. I pick my head up from the spot on the carpet I was focused on the entire drive expecting to see the familiar sight of my apartment complex parking lot. When I look out the window all I see is darkness and trees.
“Dude where are we Lauren, I thought you were taking me home.”
“Look I’ve been thinking about what you were saying and I’m ready to listen. Also I ready to get out of this car so I figured we could all just take a walk down our old favorite hiking trail for a minute.”
I find this odd but maybe being in a place where we were never anything but happy as a group would be good. So we get out and start walking down the over grown trail. No one’s really saying anything as walk but maybe that’s a good thing for now.
“Hey guys I’ll be right back I’m kind of cold and I left my jacket in the car I’m going to go back and get it,” Lauren tells us.
Lauren runs back to the car and Abigail suggests we go off the path to the little spot next to the creek we used to play in. That was always our destination as kids when we would come down here so I’m sure Lauren would figure it out on her way back to us. It doesn’t take even five minutes before we hear the slow moving water in the creek. I find an old close to the water and just listen to it flowing.
“Hey I’m going to go back up to the path so Lauren doesn’t pass us,” Abigail tells me.
It doesn’t take long before I can hear their footsteps crunching the leaves of the forest floor. I don’t bother to turn around as I hear them approach. As they get closer I hear one of them whisper something and then all of a sudden the whole world goes white.
Searing pain in two places in my back, heart racing, I get up and run because I know that’s all I can do now. Then Abigail grabs my shoulder and spins me around, that’s when I see it, the kitchen knife she’s holding in her hand. It’s soaked in my blood. She tries to bring it down on me again but I manage to hit her just hard enough in the stomach that she drops it. As soon as it leaves her hand I dive to retrieve it, desperate for something to defend myself with. Just as I pick it up she’s coming at me again, this time, still trembling I swing the knife on her. Just as it’s grazing her shin Lauren finally catches up to us.
She throws herself on top of me and already I feel I’m too weak to get her off. She plunges her knife into me, once, twice, three times. This time while I’m still trying to fight back, everything around me goes black.
Suddenly I’m not in my body anymore, I’m watching from the outside. A bystander to my own murder.
“DIE BITCH DIE!” I could hear them shouting over and over. But it was like my head was underwater.
I watched as I took my last breath and still even then they didn’t stop. I lost count of how many times that knife went into my body. Thirty, forty probably fifty times. And I had the same questions I still do now, why? And what if?
What if I could take back that whole conversation in the car? What if we had never played those stupid games with each other where we pretended everything was fine when we knew it wasn’t? What if we never said those stupid passive aggressive snarky comments to eachother when we were upset. Would I still be alive and physically able to sleep?
Being a spirit of your former self sucks, you watch as life goes on in the world around you but you can’t participate. Granted I have been lucky enough to discover I’m able to interact with electronic devices, though to avoid more grief for my family I always post under an alias. Plus I’m not sure they’d believe it was me if I didn’t use an alias anyway, they’d probably just think it was some fucked up person trying to mess with them.
Most of all being on this plain sucks because you watch as the people closest to you grieve once they find out about their loss. Then there’s the fact that you can sleep, because once you drift off you go somewhere else and leave this world behind. I’m not ready to leave it behind, but maybe now that my story is out I will be ready.
The night I died was the worst night of my life, but not because of my death. It was the worst night because that was when I watch the people I thought I was closest to, the people I thought were my friends, become monsters. I watched as they celebrated what they had done. They may have thought they were only celebrating my absence but in reality they were celebrating more. They celebrated destroying my parents lives, the rest of my family’s lives and the lives of everyone that knew me. They celebrated becoming something less than human.
So as I lay here on my bed, unable to sleep, with my thoughts racing I keep landing on one in particular. Something I should have known from the start…
Three is a crowd.