Have you ever had your worst nightmare come true? I mean, losing my dad to cancer was a nightmare, but at least I had months to “prepare” for it. But, to have a nightmare become reality quicker than a twinkling of an eye? That’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
To give you a quick back story, I am the baby of 5, had the most wonderful parents. The two oldest siblings, my big brothers, were from my mothers first marriage, but he(they’re father) didn’t care for my brothers and the most beautiful part of my parents story is, my dad fell in love with my brothers before he met my mom! His sister babysat for my mom, therefore my dad would see them and play football, etc. with them. That’s a whole different story I will share one day.
My dad and mom had 3 kids, a son and two girls. I never had the privilege to meet my only full blooded brother because he had a heart condition and passed away 3 years before I was born at the age of 2. My dad died in 2010 of cancer.
So now that we’re all caught up, let’s get to the story I’m sharing.
Back in 2015, when it was “cool” to have personalized ringtones, I had specific ringtones for mom, brothers and sister. So when I heard my oldest brothers ringtone at 3:30am, I thought it was weird. He never calls me. I quickly thought that maybe he needed a designated driver so, being the good sister I am, I answered. His words will haunt me until the I die.
My brothers were my super hero’s, Superman wishes he was like them! They were MY big brothers. I was always so proud to be their little sister.
So to hear your eldest brother, crying and screaming in shock, “he’s dead. Jamie’s dead. Oh my god he’s dead!” Then click! He hangs up. No explanations. No other words. So what am I to do?
Go to mom.
Now, to have to wake your mother up, and tell her what was said, and hear that fucking scream.
You know in those movie that shows a mother loses her child? Haha! That isn’t even close to the real thing, but thanks for playing!
So being unsure of the whole situation and praying to God that he was being overdramatic, I got in my car and went to my brothers house because he wasn’t answering his phone after that…asshat.
So as I’m pulling around the corner, I don’t see any lights. A Hope that was quickly diminished by the fire trucks, police and EMTs outside his house.
The EMT guys quickly walked over to me to make sure I wasn’t just a random person and as I was walking up the yard, the garage door was open, and there laid my dead brother. I wanted to run to him..to wake him up…but the man quickly, and quite annoyingly (not at me) yelled to close the door. I know they didn’t mean for me to see but damnit.
When I got inside the house, I saw a ghost of my eldest brother. I never understood what “being in shock” meant until I saw him that night. I wanted to comfort him and him comfort me so badly…we just lost our brother…but he ignored me for the most part.
I went outside to my car to call my mom. You wanna know what the hardest part of that night was? Having your mother REPEATEDLY ask which hospital are they taking him to and you, having to tell her in the sweetest way possible, “they’re not taking him to a hospital mama.” Fuck. That was heartbreaking.
So then I had to call my big sister. She didn’t answer the first time, so I called he then wife, no answer. As I’m calling my sister again, her wife woke her up saying I had called both of them and my sister knew something was up. I calmly told her that something happen, it’s gonna be a big shock, and I need her to wake up a bit to fully understand what I’m about to say. She takes a moment and says she’s up. I told her. The longest 30seconds of silences in my life. She broke out in tears and had to hand the phone to her wife and let me talk to her. Again, that cry haunts me.
Long story short, My brothers and their friend had been out drinking all day. When they got home my brother (the one who passed) got a phone called saying he had work the next day. He was bipolar and that had pissed him off so he went into his garage to work out and let off some steam. He was bench pressing about 260ish lbs and his muscles gave out. (I am begging you, if you’re a body builder, PLEASE NEVER WORK OUT ALONE!) he had the music turned up loudly so no one heard anything. And that’s what happen.
So me and my brothers dog (the one who passed, she’s actually laying in between my legs as I write this lol) got in my car and came back home to my moms and comforted her.
Eventually everyone shows up, sister, brother, aunt & uncle.
Now, this is what I’m getting at with my story. I was the one who he called. I was the one who had to tell our mother. I was the one who had to wake my sister and tell her. I drove there to be there for my eldest brother and saw my other brother fucking dead. I was here comforting our mother. Comforting my sister.
Who was there to comfort me? No one.
This might be petty and stupid what I’m about to say, but this part hurt me worse and has impacted my life in such a way…idk if I’ll ever be fully “okay”.
When my brother got to the house, our sister was already here. He was walking towards the house and she came out the front door. I was sitting in my car and watched as he embraced her like a good fucking brother should. He fucking hugged and comforted her!!! They both made no effort to comfort me. I don’t blame my mama, shit, she just lost her second child a month after losing her dad.
I had no one to comfort me. No one cares enough to think if I was ok. I had to woman up that night and after it was all said and done, no one cared. He was my brother too.
I tried so hard to be the best sister to both my brother and sister sense…but they both hate me and I don’t know why. I lost all my siblings that night, and still have yet to be comforted over the events that took place.
I just would give anything to have my brother and sister see that night through my eyes and see that I’m not the stupid, worthless, useless little sister they think of me as.
I have a lot of mental health issues I’m dealing with and most of it is due to them (mostly from my sister). I understand sibling “ hierarchy” and being the youngest, I was prone to being bullied by my sister. But for her, (and my brother sense I’ve become an adult), to have bullied, belittle and abuse my kindness, loyalty and love my entire life.
I don’t know what to do. And all this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg! I have so much anger, rage and hate in me but no one sees it. I hide it well. I’m scared one day it will take over.
Maybe one day, they’ll see that nightmare through my eyes and love me. But as of now, I have lost all my siblings.