I may not know everything, but I feel like I know a little less every day. It started a few weeks ago. It began with me stumbling over my words occasionally, I’m not the most eloquent person in the world but I rarely ever stuttered or mumbled. At first I just thought that I’d had a little too much coffee, maybe not enough sleep. It got more concerning the more frequent it became. Next I’d start to space out in the middle of talking, as if I’d gotten lost, trailing off awkwardly like something else had drawn my attention, even though nothing else was there to do such a thing.
I couldn’t tell you any particular thing that might’ve brought this up. I’m not overworked, I’m not too stressed, hell I’m even sleeping as well as I can. So what’s happening? Eventually I started asking friends and family, while I received a myriad of answers and solutions, none of it seemed to do anything. “Maybe you’re not eating right, try some vitamins.” “Try cold showers, it helps with inattentiveness.” “Maybe you’re having some spiritual misalignment, try these essential oils.”
I wish I was joking about that last one. As time passed my spacing out got worse, my sentences falling into gibberish happened more often, I seemed to forget everyday knowledge, forget common sense. I felt like a small child first learning how to talk. Even now I can hardly focus on this keyboard. Ikeep looking away at the game I was playing before I started this. I haven’t even left the pause screen in an hour but for some reason it keeps drawing my attention. If I’m not doing that I look away into the dead space and just pick at my lip. I force myself to keep typing this but I can’t focus. It feels like my brain is being drained of everything inside of it.
I can tell that I’m getting more lethargic, it’s been days and I still haven’t thought of an actual title for this post, it’s starting to creep me out though how often my lapses in attention are becoming, it doesn’t feel natural, it feels like an old rubber band being held stretched. Each time it loses more elasticity. Each time I’m here less and less. How long until I don’t stretch anymore?
Everything has begun to smell strange. I can’t tell if it’s the house or just my melting brain misfiring. I don’t understand what’s wrong. I can’t really keep track of how time passes anymore. I blink and hours pass, I stare at this screen for days and only minutes go by. Before you assume early onset dementia. I’m 25 years old. I work in a library. I have a- I have a girlfriend. I think. Maybe a boyfriend. Early onset dementia starts as early as your forties, very rarely your mid thirties. I’ve never heard of it this early. I don’t do drugs. I don’t think I do.
I keep walking away from the computer. I feel uncomfortable, I can’t sit still, I just want to finish this thing and put it up so someone can tell me what’s wrong with me. Why is this happening? Someone has to know. The walls are creaking. I hear things, there’s something inside I know. The moments of clarity are becoming few and far between, I feel so dizzy now. I need to write a note to myself, I can’t forget about this.
My head feels like it’s on fire, looking at the screen hurts my eyes but the note on the table says I need to finish this, how much more do I have to write? Why can’t someone else do this? I could hit the post button now and be done with it but I should probably listen to the note. I can hardly keep my hands on the keyboard. I just want to go home. I am home, it looks so different, what changed?
I don’t remember writing any of this. I can’t even remember the past week very well. I don’t understand what’s happening to me and I’m scared. I can tell this moment of lucidity won’t last but I need to keep writing as long as I can because I need help. For some reason my phone is broken, most of the food is gone, I can’t tell how long I’ve been here but I’m scared to leave because what if I don’t remember how to get back? I can’t just make food come to me. There’s something in the basement. I heard it. I know I might sound insane but something is down there. I can see a green glow through the doorframe, I don’t know what it is but it can’t be good. I’ve been writing this for days, I looked through and it seems like I never stay typing for more than a couple of minutes but what else have I been doing all this time? Should I investigate the basement?
Why is this computer still on? Are you listening to what I’m doing? You can’t see me anymore, I put tape over the webcam. You can’t change things in here now that I know what you’re doing.
I’m alone here, the sun is gone, it hasn’t come up in days. The clock lies, it doesn’t tell you how the time really passes. You can’t trust them, they aren’t real. The basement is getting louder. It wants something.
Why am I still here? Why does the room keep changing? My clothes are different but I never took them off. My mind is different but I never took it out. Why do I keep typing this? Who is it for? Is it for me? Who am I?
The words are the only thing that’s left. I just need a little more and I can finish it. The man in the attic keeps stomping, can he hear the music? Is there music?
Can you hear?
What do the words mean? There’s a note next to the computer. It just says “Finish it.” Why should I? I can just keep typing, it makes me feel important. I can’t focus, I need to focus. What’s in the basement? I keep trying to read this but I can’t. It doesn’t make sense. Is something wrong? Nothing is wrong with me. Arthur C. Clarke’s third law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
How does a person remember something they’ve forgotten, apparently you can never really forget anything but I can’t seem to recall why I ‘m sitting at this desk.
There’s blood here.
The door is glowing so brightly.
I’m scared, I can’t think straight.
Please help
It’s coming, I can hear it coming. My mind is gone and it feeds off of me. My memories, my sanity, my sense of self awareness. The less of me there is the stronger it becomes and it wants me to know that, all I have left are my racing thoughts and a prayer that I can pry myself away from this before it’s too late but I need to finish this. Why should I put more effort into something that’s jsut insanity?
I can’t see my eyes without a mirror or a picture.
Why do we sleep?
He’s almost here.
The soul weighs 21 grams
Is it finished yet?