Let me set a few things straight, right off the bat. I am by no means a ‘weathered survivalist’ or whatever those people on NatGeo like to call themselves. Truthfully, I’m not a survivalist by any degree. When the whole ‘zombie outbreak’ began, most people would’ve considered me a ‘professional stoner’, but when most of your plugs are itching to bite your throat out… I was forced to hang up the ol’ nectar collecter.
It’s been a few weeks since everything went sideways and it’s nothing like they predicted in all those movies. I guess some parts were accurate, like the whole shuffling, brain dead, slow part of them, but most didn’t predict just how poorly humanity would respond to the threat in the first place.
Remember how COVID all went down? Hell, I wish it would’ve been another COVID variant, because this is some next level dystopian society shit. Anyways, everyone decided that their two for one hot dogs and half off toilet paper at the supermarket was more important than the flesh eating, death-reanimating monsters that had begun to overtake the population. Then, well… you know the rest.
I can’t lie, at first I was one of those people. When the first reports of “zombies” started hitting the news and social media, I was pretty unphased. I mean, I live in a small town in butt-fuck-nowheresville where the closest city was an hour away. What was there to worry about?
Apparently, the town drunk Scott Granger. You see, one of Scott’s favorite activities was shotgunning every single can of a 12 pack of Milwaukee’s Best, which is arguably worse than getting bit and turned into one of those brainless creatures. Well, that night Scott went about his ritual of getting shit faced and passing out in the ditch across from the bar. You see where I’m going with this? Next thing you know, one of the zombies waltzes into town and makes Scott into a quick meal.
It spread like wildfire from there, not only in my town but all of the surrounding areas, too.
From what I can tell, the rest of the world seems to be getting hit just as hard, if not worse. Oh yeah! That’s another thing the movies got wrong… the internet still works! Well, for now it does, I’m not sure how much longer that will hold up. So, I decided to make this ‘survival guide’ using my handy Notes app and hopefully I can send out as much information while I have the chance.
Rule #1: Judge Accordingly You ever been in a situation where some fat, middle aged dude was being a complete prick to his wife and kids and you start to wonder how fast he can run after you tell him to shut the fuck up? Well, that’s kindve how the zombies, the real ones, work. If you see old Betty Crotchet has turned a sickly shade of green and has begun to whisper sweet nothings under her breath, then fear not! She couldn’t run that fast while she was alive, so she certainly can’t run that fast when she’s dead. On the flip side, however, if you see Usain Bolt turning that same shade of green (zombies don’t actually turn green, mind you) then your best bet is to find the nearest car and punch it. This also seems applies to their strength, as well.
Rule #2: Travel by foot… or bike Yesterday, I encountered both Rule 1 and 2. For a little backstory, my Mom and Sister both live a couple states over from me and my plan was (and still is) to get back home and keep them safe. I figured a full tank and some extra in the gas can would get my Civic pretty far… wrong. You never notice how loud your shit-box Honda really is until it’s squealing it’s way through an empty town. That seemed to get the townsfolk (or the townsdead?) in a real bad mood. I had to dump the car before I even reached the highway on the outskirts of town, that’s how many there were! With the shotgun my Dad had gifted me before I moved out, and my backpack full of Bush’s Baked Beans, I set off as stealthily as possible.
Enter Aaron Moss, the pride and joy of butt-fuck-nowheresville and his school record-breaking 100 meter dash. I had nearly reached the storage/concession stand building which sat next to the track, across the road from the towns high school, when I saw a very familiar plume of curly, red hair digging through an idle garbage can (which conveniently sat directly next to doorway I needed to get in to). Now, I’m no runner by any means, so when Aaron (or what was formerly Aaron), heard me gasping helplessly as I tried to catch my breath, he came running at me like a starving tiger.
This brings us to rule 3.
Rule #3: Pretend You’re A Hunter Yeah, I know, not the best name for this rule but it’s what helps me the most. Even with the shotgun in my hand, I never really thought I’d have to use it. Not until Aaron Moss and certain death were breathing down my neck. I cradled the gun in my shoulder and took aim, but even at a short distance I was barely able to keep the sight lined up. I was scared and I didn’t want to kill him, truthfully.
It felt like murder, when the shot rang out and his head was nothing but a mushy pile scattered along the sidewalk. Really, I haven’t slept a whole lot since all of this happened yesterday, but the best way I can justify my actions is by pretending I’m hunting deer or bears or something… it works for me, I don’t know about you.
Survival of the fittest, I suppose. Not that it makes the sting any less painful. Maybe in some small way, I helped end his suffering? I don’t know. I’m trying my best not to dwell on it too much, it was either him or me.
Anyways, those are all the rules I have for right now. I’ve been stuck up in the Concession stand for awhile, unfortunately it seems someone else has already raided it. Nothing left but a few packs of black licorice and I’m not sure anyone would eat that shit, even in the zombie apocalypse.
It’s been pretty quiet outside from what I can tell, I just peeped outside the door and found nothing but the stinking corpse I’d left the day before. So I’ve decided to poke around and see if I can find a bike or something quieter I can use to get around town. I gotta find something other than these God forsaken beans to eat.
I must’ve been inside the concession stand for longer than I’d thought, the sun was nearly gone and dusk was quick approaching. I walked around the entirety of the building and found the storage door (with no lock!). I knew if I opened this thing it’d be loud, I’d have to stay another night, but I’m hoping there’s some useful shit inside.
The chain clattered and the door squealed as I lifted it open, setting it gently back down as I rolled inside from underneath. It’s dusty, filled with cobwebs and… traffic cones? I could also make out old football jerseys and other sports apparel under the single, dim bulb which hung overhead. However, in the dark depths of the corner I could see the light reflecting off something shiny… handlebars. Fucking handlebars! It’s a bike, hell yeah!
As I pulled the bike free from all the junk that had accumulated around it, I could faintly hear something, something soft and… gurgling. I stuck my ear next to the door for a closer listen. I waited for the noise to arrive again, seconds ticked by slower than ever, but then… it came again.
My blood ran cold and my heart began thumping with ferocity. I turned on my heels faster than Michael Jackson could ever dream to.
It crept closer, emerging from the darkest corners of the dim room. I wasted little time, fumbling for my gun as I proceeded to take aim. I could see deep scratches, skin torn completely away from around the vacant eye socket of the thing.
I rested my finger on the trigger and held my breath. Then, I pulled it.
The beast stumbled backward into the wall, a massive bloodstain materializing over its chest. It’s body heaved once, twice and then fell still. Much like the zombie, I also crumbled to the ground, burying my head into my hands.
I need to get the fuck out of here. It doesn’t feel right killing these things… even they are after me. I’m just hunting, remember? I’m just hunting. I need to leave town, I need to go. But, I need supplies… FUCK!
Where do I go next? The gas station… or should I just leave town now… go into the city. Fuck, fuck… I don’t know! I gotta sign off for the night, I’ll be posting this to various websites in hopes that I can get some more information and feedback.
Good luck, everyone!
-Tom