Working at a dive bar has its perks. I work at one where I pretty much the entire place, along side our cook, Sue Ellen. She makes all your typical bar foods and I serve drinks. The owner rarely comes in because he knows we’ve got it under control and we’re always turning profit.
We are almost an “all rules go” kinda bar. Don’t be a jerk and take it outside is basically our only two rules. We’ve had dunk tanks outside, dancing competitions, and all kinds of live music. People will park a good three blocks away to come pack out our small 900 sq ft building.
Customers can be creeps though. You always have old dudes hitting on women young enough to be their granddaughters. I personally deal with a gaggle of older ladies every week who are freshly divorced and are trying to get their groove back. I swat away a lot of hands if what I’m getting at. Of course we have the belligerent drunks who become your uncle at thanksgiving who says things like, “I’m not racist but -“. But none have compared to what happened last night.
Now before I begin, dress how you want. It’s just that when someone is dressed out of the normal at a redneck bar, they stick out like a sore thumb. Slim, bald headed, clean shaved, nothing out of the ordinary, right? Well he had on a gown. Not a feminine gown, but an old Victorian one.
He approached the bar.
“What can I do for ya, my man”, I asked and gave him a handshake.
“I will take a virgin Bloody Mary, please”, he winked.
“A virgin Bloody Mary, huh? I can do that”, I said as I put in our house mix and garnished it with a celery stick. Now normally our well drinks run $4, but I don’t like charging for non alcoholic drinks. I have a tremendous respect for sober folks and it’s none of my business why they choose to be.
“That’s on me, my friend”.
He slipped a five dollar bill into my tip jar and asked for a menu. I checked up on him again and he said, “I would like to do a special”.
“Great, the flank steak and two sides, which ones and how do you want it cooked”, I asked.
“I’ll take that steak rare with a side of fries and cheese sticks. Also another virgin Bloody Mary if you will”.
“Okay great. I’ll have that out shortly. Would you like ketchup, ranch, garlic aioli for them fries. We make it in house”, I asked.
“No no no. None for me, I’m terribly allergic”, he sweat chuckled.
He sat at the bar watching the PPV WWE we ordered as I walked the order back to Sue Ellen.
“Who’s the vampire”, she asked.
“Vampire? Hush now. Albeit, he is strange but he ain’t hurting anyone and he seems nice. Besides, he’s not the weirdest one in here”.
As I came back out, I noticed Mary had come in and sat on a stool, next to the bald man. Mary was a freshly divorced young waitress. She was pretty as all get out. When she saw me she grinned and I made her the usual (a tequila mule with extra lime” and placed it in front of her. The old man slapped a twenty down and said he had hers and he’d like another of his. They talked a good while and Mary seemed super into in, obsessed really.
While chit chatting, Mary’s ex husband, Jim, and his buddies walked in. They were all hopped up on speed and had a stomach full of liquid courage,I guess. See the divorce was Jim’s fault. He had been running around with other women and never would help her with anything she needed done. But he was possessive…crazy possessive. And I reckon he didn’t care to see another man giving Mary attention.
He grabbed the bald man by the back of the neck and yanked in back on the ground.
“Jim”, I yelled. “We aren’t doing this”.
“Now now”, the bald man said as he brushed himself off. “There is no need to ruin a bar. If we must tussle, let’s step outside”. Just like that, everyone ran outside. Everyone loved a good bar fight in this town. I grabbed my baseball bat and walked out. I told Jim that the fight was only gonna be one on one and it was over when I said so. I said I would whack anyone with the bat should they not listen.
Now Jim ain’t the slimmest Jim in town, if you know what I’m saying. He’s stout as a horse and really is our bar fight champion (yes we have a board with scores. Anything goes). But the thing is…he couldn’t land a shot on the bald man. He got the ass kicking he needed.
His boys decided they were all gonna jump in and avenge their fallen comrade, breaking my rule. How one man managed to fight off three people is beyond me. I went in with my bat to start hitting the boys who jumped in when the bald grabbed my bat and flung me over his shoulder into the building. He must have mistakes me for another assailant. When he realized who I was, he hopped up and helped me to my feet, apologizing while the posse was laid flat on their backs.
“Alright everyone, shows over,” I grumbled. “You fighters can scream until next week whenever you have some common sense”. Jim and his boys limped to their car and I started limping to the bar to begin the closing routine. “Mary, how about you stay here and I’ll drive you home. You seem a little drunk”.
“Sure. Let me just walk this beau to his car and I’ll be back”.
I popped the bar stools on the bar and started to take the recycling out. By the dumpster I could see two people making out, all hot and heavy. Ain’t the first time, ain’t the last. Then a scream so loud, I shrieked. The woman fell to the ground and a man was on top of her. Now I don’t need to paint a picture of what this looked like.
I quickly ran up to find Mary dead. Her body had went pale as if all the blood on her body had been drained. “Sue Ellen call 911”, I yelled as I began to subdue the guy. I thought I had him wrapped up pretty good, but that’s what he wanted.
He quickly hop tossed me on the ground and began to move for my neck. His fangs all but bit me whenever he screamed and collapsed on me. I pushed his body off me and caught my breath. I’ve been jumped by things before but not by….whatever this was.
“Told you, a vampire”, Sue Ellen said. She brought me to my feet. “Garlic aioli saved your life, you joker”, she said.
“Sue Ellen, Mary’s dead. She s been murdered. We have to call 91-“.
There was a loud crash and scream. Mary had jumped up and bit down on Sue Ellen’s neck.
“Get out of here”, she exhaled before she collapsed. While she was being drained, I got in my car and hauled ass out of there. I couldn’t save her but the guilt will follow me forever. Now there are two vampires in town and I’m not going back to work. This town is going to be in trouble