Saturday, October 28, 2023
I swear, Rod and I were JUST talking about how we get so few trick or treaters these days, when one came to the door. A day early!
When we moved into this house 11 years ago, we were not prepared for how many kids would show up on our first Halloween. I bought enough candy for about 150 kids and we still ran out! In the last half hour, we ended up giving out some Capri Suns and half my personal stash of Lindor truffles, and the last group of four stragglers just got handfuls of change because I was not about to give up ALL my Lindors.
But that was the only year it was really like that. We saw fewer and fewer kids every year, and last year - I counted! - there were only 36. I was giving them all five or six or seven treats each and we STILL had some candy left when we turned out the porch light at 8:15, and my hips do NOT need all that leftover candy.
This year I’m certainly not expecting any more than that. In fact, I finally learned my lesson and I DIDN’T buy enough candy for a horde. We never get a horde anymore! Plus I got icky candy, the kind kids love but I can’t stand - Lemonheads and Sour Patch Kids and Skittles. They can have that stuff, thank you very much, but if we buy Hershey bars I will eat every last one of them before the doorbell ever rings. So I didn’t get them this year!
But anyway, like I said, I bet Rod a dollar that we wouldn’t see more than 30 kids this year. Since Halloween is on a Tuesday, our stupid town council decided official trick or treat is on Sunday, of all days. Which means all the evangelical parents will keep their kids home, and most of the others will just take their kids to Trunk or Treat like they usually do nowadays because it’s safer, and we’ll get about 25 kids who wore their parents down begging to go out trick or treating. Then on ACTUAL Halloween, all the teens will be out whooping it up and teepeeing trees. Just great.
So anyway, just as I was saying that, the doorbell rang, and we gave each other a look because who the heck, and Rod said it was probably Terry next door because lately he sometimes likes to stop by with his guitar and jam with Rod on Saturday nights (God, I hoped not, because they are not as good as they think they are), and by the time he got halfway to the door, whoever rang the bell had already starting knocking too. Rude! Terry isn’t like that. He’s kind of a crappy guitar player but a real nice guy.
I followed Rod to the door and Tammy Faye was right at my heels barking her head off. I scooped her up so she wouldn’t go straight for Terry’s ankles like she always does. But come to find out, it wasn’t Terry anyway – it was a trick or treater!
I didn’t know what the heck he was supposed to be. He was just a little guy, maybe seven or eight, and all alone, but he had one of the creepiest masks I’ve ever seen, all bumpy, patchy green and grey with kind of a pig nose and thin black lips and straggly strands of deep blue-black hair coming out of the top. He had a cute little tuxedo on, although it looked weird to have that dapper little suit with that icky mask. And he had big black – shoes? Slippers? They were furry, that same deep black as the straggly hair, and super oversized. They looked awkward to walk in! I never saw anything quite like it before but it had to be some video game character or something, I don’t know, I just don’t keep up on that stuff now that the kids are grown and out of the house.
“Oh honey, you’re a day early,” I told him. “Trick or treat isn’t till tomorrow.” He didn’t say anything though, just stared at me. Rod told me oh heck, just get the kid some candy, and luckily I had just done my shopping that morning so we actually had some. I went back into the kitchen and got him a Sour Patch Kids. When I got back to the door, he was still just staring at Rod, and I went to drop the Sour Patch Kids in his pumpkin but he didn’t have one, no tub or pillowcase or Jewel bag or anything. So I just handed it to him.
The little guy took the Sour Patch Kids and looked down at it, then looked back up at me and really I couldn’t tell because of the mask but I still would have sworn on my Bible that he was sneering at me. It gave me the willies. I just said “Happy Halloween! Don’t forget, you’re supposed to wait til tomorrow,” and I kind of elbowed Rod out of the way and shut the door before the kid could look at me anymore.
Then a half an hour later Terry did show up with his guitar after all and he and Rod jammed in the rec room til midnight and it was just awful. I swear, they need to learn some better songs or something.
Sunday, October 29, 2023
Trick or treat goes from 5:00 to 8:00 but hardly any kids ever show up for the first hour, just a few toddlers and babies going out with their parents. I wanted to make sure I won my dollar from Rod if we really did have 30 trick or treaters or less, so I had my notepad at the door and I was keeping track of how many showed up.
It was pretty dismal at first, just like I predicted. Before it started getting dark we only had six kids, and two of them were too little to even be on solid foods yet so you know the parents were just getting the candy for themselves! I don’t judge though, I never do, I give candy out to anyone who shows up at my door with a costume on, even if it’s real half-ass. Even teens who barely have what you could call a costume, I give them a candy and I try not to lecture them or anything because heck, you’re only young once and trick or treat is fun for everybody.
Then what do you know, right before sunset, that same little guy from Saturday night showed up again! I recognized him right away, that creepy mask was not something I was about to forget. As soon as I opened the door and saw him, I said, “Well well, didn’t you remember you already stopped here last night?”
He didn’t say anything, just stared at me like he did the night before. It plain old gave me the shivers! I real quick grabbed a Skittles and handed it to him and shut the door. I didn’t even tell him Happy Halloween like I do to all the other kids. I didn’t want to see him give me that sneery look again.
The next time the doorbell rang, can you guess what? It was that SAME kid again! At least I thought so at first. I was looking at him on the Ring camera like oh boy, I am going to give little Junior a piece of my mind for being greedy, but when I opened the door I realized it wasn’t him after all. This kid was older, maybe by a year or two, definitely a little taller and broader around the tummy too. Same costume though, down to the straggly hair and the big furry slippers, so definitely it had to have been from whatever the hot new videogame is.
Well, what else could I do, I just handed him a Sour Patch Kids because he didn’t have a treat bag either. He looked down at it, then looked back up at me and asked in a real croaky voice like he had a cold or something, “Is that it?”
I just about smacked the little joker, but instead I said “Yes it is, and a very Happy Halloween to you!” And I slammed the door in his face. The nerve!
I was just about too mad to enjoy the rest of Halloween, but then a real cute little princess showed up and twirled so I could see how her skirt belled out, and she just turned my frown back upside down. I gave her two Skittles and a Lemonheads because she was so sweet.
We ended up getting way more than 30 trick or treaters after all, and I keep my word so I gave Rod a dollar, but it was real weird. The grand total was 67 kids, but I swear more than half of them were all in that same video game costume. I don’t think it was those same two kids coming back over and over either! Some were a little taller or shorter and some were a little skinnier or fatter, and sometimes there were three or four of them all trick or treating together, all in the same costume!
Here’s what really got to me though, all the other kids were pretty pumped about the candy we gave them, kids always like Lemonheads and whatnot, but not a single one of the video game character kids seemed happy about them, and later in the evening they were starting to say things to me that were downright unsettling.
Like, more than a couple of them asked “Is that it?” just like the second little guy did and in a weird raspy voice like his, too. One asked “Can I get something different?” I mean maybe he had an allergy or something so I offered him one of the cute pencil toppers we keep around for the allergy kids, but he just gave me that sneery look they all were giving me. I was about to tell him to adjust his attitude but then he snatched the Skittles out of my hand, turned on his heel, and stalked away. What a little jerk!
They just kept getting pissier with me all night long. They all kept saying stuff like “Do you have anything better that that?” or “Is that the best you can do?” The nerve! But then right before 8:00 it got just plain nuts.
It was a group of three of the video game kiddos, and just like all the others, when I handed them their candy, they looked down at it, then looked back up at me with those ungrateful looks. Then one of them said, “Do you have any meat?”
“Yeah! Meat!” another one said, and the chubby one chimed in, “How about some meat?” and before I knew it, all three of them were chanting “Meat! Meat! Meat!” All in those croaky little voices!
Well, I was horrified, who wouldn’t be? It was downright eerie. To make matters worse, Tammy Faye started howling and yipping from her crate where she had been being a very good girl all evening, but now not so much. It was just chaos! I didn’t know what to do, so I just said, “We do not give out meat on Halloween!” and slammed the door in their faces!
I looked at the Ring camera and saw that the little guys had stopped chanting and they were just standing on the front porch looking kinda dejected. I didn’t feel bad about it though! Come on, who asks for meat on Halloween? Although I guess maybe they were just trying to mess with me. Which is NOT okay because they GOT their treat. Tricks are just for when someone doesn’t give you a treat, but these kids each got a Skittles just like everybody else.
Rod finally poked his head out from the rec room where he was watching football and told me to calm Tammy Faye down for Christ’s sake, and I told him what just happened and he said it was almost 8:00 anyway and I should just turn the porch light off. Which I did. And locked the door for good measure!
Monday, October 30, 2023
I couldn’t sleep so well after the weirdo trick or treaters and I kept worrying that they would come back and egg Rod’s car or teepee the oak tree or something, but they never did. I even scrolled through the Ring camera records in the morning to make sure I didn’t miss anything, and I saw a couple more trick or treaters walk by a little after 8, but they didn’t come to the door since the porch light was off.
Terry stopped by in the afternoon and I told him Rod was taking a nap because he was starting on second shift this week, but it turned out he already knew that and he wasn’t there to see Rod anyway. He wanted to know if I saw their cat Lulu when I was walking Tammy Faye because she never showed up today after they let her out last night. I wanted to tell him that they should keep Lulu inside because it’s dangerous out there for a cat, especially on Halloween, but he looked so worried that I didn’t want to make him feel bad and I just said no but I’d keep an eye out.
Then I had book club in the evening while Rod was working, so neither one of us was home, but I kept getting Ring camera alerts on my phone and when I would look, I couldn’t tell for sure if I was seeing anything on there or not, except a couple times I thought I saw one of those creepy trick or treaters again. It was giving me the willies bad and I ended up going home early even though I didn’t really want to be home alone. But at least I had Tammy Faye to protect me. As much as a pomeranian can protect you, anyway.
I didn’t see anybody when I pulled up to the house and I didn’t get anymore Ring alerts after I got home, but I was just on edge. I was jumping at every little sound outside! And it seemed like there were MORE little sounds than normal, but it was probably just my imagination. I had to take an Ambien to get to sleep.
Tuesday, October 31, 2023
When I was walking Tammy Faye at lunchtime I saw Terry out talking to Bob from down the street and I stopped to ask if Lulu ever came home. No, she didn’t, and Bob said his cat Hondo never came home yesterday morning either and I was going to make a joke that they fell in love and ran off together, but I saw they weren’t really feeling jokey about it so I didn’t. I guess I wouldn’t feel so jokey either if Tammy Faye went missing!
Anytime they do official trick or treat a day or two before Halloween I am always prepared for a couple kiddos to come to the door on the 31st. Maybe they just didn’t hear about it or maybe they’re greedy and want double candy, but either way I save back a few candies to hand out that day just in case. So I was not surprised when the doorbell rang right after it got dark.
I checked on the Ring camera and wouldn’t you know it? It was three of those creepy little video game kids. I grabbed three Lemonheads and opened the door even though I have to say I was kinda pissed at them for coming back AGAIN, for the THIRD night.
“Listen you guys, Happy Halloween and all but this is the last – ”
I didn’t even get a chance to finish telling them off before they started asking for meat again!
“Meat!”
“We need some MEAT!”
“Can’t we get a little meat?”
“How about some MEAT!”
On and on! I threw the Lemonheads at them and slammed the door! I locked it and put the chain on. But they didn’t go away like before. They just kept chanting “Meat! Give us some meat!” And they were banging on the door too!
Oh boy, Tammy Faye was going totally crazy yipping and howling, she even started scrabbling at the door like she wanted to go out. NO WAY was I going to let her out with those weirdos outside! I scooped her up and tried to snuggle her but she wiggled and kicked and even scratched up my neck a little bit before I could get her set back on the floor.
Bang! Bang! Bang! “We just want MEAT!”
All of a sudden I realized the banging was not just coming from the front door. I was hearing it from the kitchen door too! I dashed into the kitchen and saw FIVE more of the creepsters out on the side porch, pounding on the door and yelling “Meat! Meat!” I put the chain on and braced a chair under the doorknob for good measure.
I checked the other outside door, back in the mudroom. There were four more of them out there on the deck! “Meat! Meat! Meat!” Bang! Bang! Bang! I ran back to the kitchen and grabbed another chair to sock up under the doorknob. “Why don’t you just give us some MEAT?”
I wanted to curl up in a ball in the middle of the front room and wait for them to go away but then my heart just about stopped when I remembered the basement windows. They are right there by the ground and Rod is always leaving them open when he’s down there working on a project!
I tore downstairs and thank the good lord the windows were closed and locked because there were six more of the creeps, three by each window, kinda crouched down and peering in and knock knock knocking on the glass. “Don’t you have any MEAT? We just want MEAT!”
How many were there at all the doors and windows? It had to be 20 or more. I didn’t know how long the windows could hold up to all the banging. Then I realized duh, this is definitely a crime or at least gearing up to be one, and I can call the police, so I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911.
When the lady answered I started with our address, just like you’re supposed to do, lord knows how I managed to keep my head enough to remember that but I did. And the lady was so kind to me as I was describing my emergency, she made me feel a little bit calmer after I got it all out. I guess I was thinking maybe she was going to make fun of me for telling such a weird story but she was so nice. After it was all done she just said “Oh my! How distressing.”
Then there was a long pause, so long that I was a little worried that we got disconnected or God forbid maybe one of the little guys cut the phone line. But then she was back.
“Why don’t you try giving them some meat?”
She said it in just that same croaky voice, just like they used! Oh my God! It just chilled my blood and I almost threw my phone across the room but I realized that would be dumb so instead I jabbed my finger at the screen and hung up.
I called back and thank the good lord, I got a different 911 operator. I started with my address again and I started to tell the guy the nature of my emergency and then I was ALSO planning on telling him about what a cruddy 911 operator his colleague was when he interrupted me. “I bet they just need a little MEAT!”
No!! What the heck was going on? I hung up on him too. Then I tried 911 AGAIN. Somebody there had to be a decent person, for crying out loud! But this time when I called it just rang and rang and rang and nobody ever answered. When does 911 ever not answer?
Anyway I tried three more times and nobody ever did answer and that’s when I realized I was on my own. And I could only think of one thing to do.
I went back to where we keep all the storage stuff and grabbed one of those great big plastic tubs, the one that was full of all my Christmas angels, and I love them so much but right now I just needed the tub so I dumped them out on the basement floor and said a little prayer that the pretty blown-glass one didn’t break because it’s my favorite.
Then I ran upstairs with the tub. When I passed the front door I could hear them still out there chanting “Meat! Meat! Give us some meat!”
I skidded into the kitchen and started filling the tub up with all the meat we had in the house.
I ransacked the fridge and threw in the leftover taco meat from Saturday night, and a few of those skinny packets of Buddig corned beef, and a thing of turkey pepperoni and the big pack of chicken breasts I was thawing out for the next day and a pork chop that Rod forgot to finish about a week ago so I wasn’t sure if it was safe to eat but what the heck, I wasn’t trying to protect the little weirdos from getting food poisoning.
Then on to the freezer, I grabbed the ham I got on sale and some freezer burned chicken sausages and some Totino’s pizza rolls and some bacon and four packs of brats. I didn’t know if they thought fish was meat or not, some people do but I always thought it was just its own thing, not meat, but I threw in the fish sticks just in case.
I dragged the tub into the mudroom where we keep the deep freeze and I just about cried because we just bought that quarter beef and we barely had a chance to use any of it yet, but anyway I scooped it out of the freezer and into the tub. And there was the last of the venison from when Rod went hunting last year that we never finished because I thought it was gross. In the tub it went.
I remembered Rod’s Slim Jims and I dashed back out to the kitchen to check the cupboards and yes, there were still a half dozen in there and I grabbed them too. He was going to be pissed about that because they were his favorite bedtime snack but I had to figure he would understand.
The tub was so heavy I could barely even budge it now but I had to. I strained and scooted and dragged it into the bathroom, because that’s the smallest window and the highest up off the ground, nobody could get up to it without a ladder and even then it would be hard to get yourself through it. I thought maybe there I would be safe.
I stood in the bathtub, cranked the window open and popped out the screen, and started throwing meat out the window and onto the driveway.
About five seconds after the first frozen cut hit the ground with a thud, those little trick or treaters started swarming to it from all sides. I kept throwing meat out. I didn’t even care if I hit any of them with it, which I definitely did but they did not seem to be bothered by it. They just kept yelling “Meat! Meat!” but they didn’t sound mad anymore, more like they were super excited.
After I threw the last piece of meat out the window, I yelled “That’s all the meat we’ve got! Now take it and go away!”
Then I cranked the window back shut and locked it, but I kept watching them. I tried to count as they bustled around picking up armloads of meat, and it was kind of hard because they were moving around so much, but I’d say there were probably a couple dozen of them. There was enough meat to go around, mostly thanks to my poor quarter beef that was so expensive and now we were never going to get to eat it.
Once they had picked up all the meat off the driveway, they started walking off down the street, all of them holding meat and a few of them already starting to dig into it while they walked. I watched the chubby guy bringing up the rear taking bites off one of those freezer burned chicken sausages.
When the last one was out of sight I picked up Tammy Faye, who had finally calmed down, and took her into the bedroom and laid down with her on my lap, still shaking a little from all the kerfuffle and checking the Ring camera every couple minutes. I couldn’t concentrate on TV or anything, just kept checking on the camera. I wasn’t sure if I was seeing them come back or not. A couple of times I would see something darting in the shadows but I could never tell if it was one of the little guys or something else. It could have been a raccoon or a possum or heck, maybe it was Lulu and Hondo finally coming home.
Wednesday, November 1, 2023
I am just beside myself this morning because Rod never came home last night. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep but I guess I finally did and then the next thing I knew it was light out. And Rod’s side of the bed was never slept in! He usually gets home right at 12:30 when he’s working second shift and it’s not like him to stay out any later than that. He never does.
Except hang on, I guess he did come home. Because I just looked out at the driveway and his car is there! But I checked all over the house and he is not here anywhere.
I went outside to see if he fell asleep in his car, which he never did before but heck, who knows, and it turns out the driver door is just standing wide open. The keys are still in the ignition and there is something sticky-looking all over the seat that I am afraid to check but it sure does look like blood.