I’ve only worked one other retail job before this, it was at a dodgy corner store that made most of its cash from liquor sales, cigarettes and cheap imported knick-knacks for tourists. I lasted a week. But that job doesn’t even hold a candle to the fuck-shit I have to deal with here.
The Page had started and ended again. But now, filling the silence was pain.
Blinding pain and an intense, high pitch constant ringing. I couldn’t remember when my eyes opened again, but I found myself laying on my side in a small and cold, slightly coagulated puddle of blood. I had been lying there, staring at the white tile that stretched for miles into the dark in one direction. The thing pretending to be my dad was nowhere to be seen, and though he didn’t have the opportunity to blow my head off, the pounding migraine I now had sure felt it would finish the job. I peeled myself off the floor, and my eyes took their sweet time adjusting to the very differently lit place I found myself in. The ground was level again, and the shelves were their normally straight and stupidly tall selves.
“Where am I?”
My voice was muffled like I was hearing my own voice through a wall.
There was a thin trail of what I could only assume to be my blood leading back to a lone clothing rack full of ugly sweaters. I wanted to investigate, but something about having your eardrums popped like flesh-balloons really takes the curiosity out of you.
My head felt heavy, and my limbs hung from their joints like lead pipes as I tried to regain my bearings. By some random intervention of God or the devil or whatever forces at work in here that either decided to cut me a break or deliver me right to the doorstep of my untimely demise, I was standing right under the Garden and Live Goods sign.
The smell here was— the air was different. It was swampy. It was noticeably unique from the other areas I’ve visited. The pungent odor of decaying plant matter, wet soil, and humidity slapped me in the face like a swampy Louisiana morning. There were vines on the floor as thick as a man’s thigh, and I could have sworn they were moving and twitching slightly. Off in the distance, I could see a pair of automatic sliding doors. Beyond them was a dark viridian shadow. I found myself reconsidering again if I really could live without my phone or not. I could just find a stack of clothes to sit under until my shift finished. It would be so easy. I could probably even fall asleep! How wonderful would it be if this were all just a nightmare…
I took a moment to follow that thought.
How weird would it be to set up a therapy appointment from a payphone? Is that a red flag? I feel like that would be kind of a red flag–
“Max! Buddy you made it! I knew you could do it!”
I turn to see Fred, armless and sprinting from out of nowhere towards me. He was wearing a sunhat and a bright blue polo with empty sleeves flopping in the wind.
“I was so worried your head had exploded already! Did you get my message from Janis?”
I slapped him so hard his head spun. Like, it literally spun. I almost spun it off his plastic neck.
“Are you fucking serious!? You left me to walk around aimlessly on my own in THIS place?! Give me my goddamn phone before I take your legs too!”
He was completely unfazed, his head continuing to spin as he spoke.
“Ok, I know you’re mad but… do you mind?”
I begrudgingly stopped his head from spinning and turned it to face me.
“I didn’t know how else to get you motivated enough to come with me to Garden to use their phone. No offense, but you are kinda stubborn.”
“Fred.”
“Yes?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. I could feel the throbbing in my head pulsing in my sinuses and teeth. Part of me wondered if it was a tension headache from how irritated I was or if it could have something to do with the ear nuke I’d just received. I looked back at Fred’s stupid smiling face and took a deep…deep breath. Max, don’t dismember your only lifeline. It’s not worth it. I addressed him in the way one would talk to a dog that was too dumb to understand why it wasn’t okay to pee in the house.
“If you had told me the page was going to increase in volume to the point it could kill me, I would have gladly come with you.”
“Oh, for real?”
“Yes.”
“Aww, Maxy! I didn’t think you trusted me that much already! Hug?”
“No. Your opportunity for a hug left when you STOLE MY PHONE.”
I turned and started to head towards the doors. I kicked the vines out of the way as I walked. I was fed up and just wanted whatever Little Shop of Horrors nonsense I would have to deal with next to be over. I could hear Fred trailing close behind me and continuing his chatter, but it was so much harder to hear him now. I’ll definitely have to go to the doctor for this. God, the bill is gonna suck. Guess the twenty bucks an hour is worth something, as shitty as the situation is…
“Max?”
I think I’ll order a bunch of food when I get home, with ice cream.
“Hey Maaax?”
Ice cream in my nice, warm bed…
“Max!!”
“What?!”
“Help–”
I spun towards the plastic pain in my ass and threw my hands in the air.
“WHAT! What the hell could you possibly need help withohMY GOD–”
The stupid vines had picked up Fred and were now pulling him apart, one of his legs coming free with a POP.
“Hey! Vines off the legs, pal! You haven’t even offered me dinner yet!”
“What do I do?!”
“Well, if a scenario wherein you are being man— or in this case —mannequin-handled by a co-worker in a way you don’t like should arise, you should go to HR. ThetaMart can let a little bit of murder slide, but definitely not–”
Another POP and the last of Fred’s appendages were gone.
As much as I would like to say I leaped into action to save him, hacking and slashing the vines away, and got Fred’s legs back; I did not. In fact, I couldn’t even bring myself to feel all that bad. It was only a matter of time before the page sounded again and popped my head like a meaty Gusher. I’m pretty sure after that I wouldn’t really need my ears anymore.
“I don’t have time for this.”
The vines lifted Fred higher into the air, him never stopping to take a breath as he began to beg and plead which was… surprising.
“Max! Max buddy, you gonna help me out?!”
“No, I’m going to answer the phone.”
Fred made a sound similar to a plastic clothing tag being taken off a shirt. I couldn’t tell you how I know but it was the mannequin equivalent to a whine.
“Come on, man!”
“I’ll come back for you if I remember, though.”
“… Not cool dude, not cool.”
Just when I thought the plant for whatever reason had no interest in me, I felt a vine very quickly slink up my pant leg and climb much higher than I appreciated. Fred was right, this plant was a little too touchy.
I could only let out a squeak before it quickly yanked my leg out from underneath me. I fell forward, the full weight of my body falling on my chest. I could see something passing back and forth behind the doors which implied that one— it was big— and two— it was waiting for us. The vines, as though they noticed the shape when I did, began dragging us both toward the door. My face made hard contact with the tile and undoubtedly gave me a hell of a shiner on my cheek. I dug my nails into the ridges in the floor but to no avail, it only took about 10 seconds for us to clear the almost football field length between us and the doors to Garden & Live Goods.
The smell of swamp hit me with about the same force as the vines slingshotting me and Fred’s torso down the soil aisle. The air was hot and wet, water dripped from the shelves, and there was a noticeable fog that had settled on the floor. The place was a jungle, and if I hadn’t been tossed around or deafened I probably would’ve thought his place was pretty cool. Would’ve being the key word. Fred’s eyeballs began to dart around in their sockets, his head moving from left to right on the axis of his neck.
“Oh man, oh shit—”
I laid on the floor for a minute just staring at the cascading vines for just a bit longer before they started pulling me to pieces too.
Fred was notably not as impressed. He wiggled and wobbled, trying to turn over on his side.
“This was not a good plan! Bad plan! We gotta get outta here—“
“Why are you scared? If that pager goes off again, I’m toast! Extra freakin’ crispy!”
“I’m not supposed to be here! I owe the garden manager big time!”
“Owe them what?”
If Fred had nails… or a mouth… or hands for that matter, he would’ve been biting them.
“I lost a game of Uno to them and still haven’t paid what I owe!”
“That sounds like a you problem.”
For the second time in less than 5 minutes, I peeled myself off the floor and took one last moment to admire the plants around me. They were so strange and bright. I had never seen plants like these. I wonder if anyone would notice if I took one of the small ones home.
“Max! Max, hold up!“
“Oh, before I forget…” I walk over to Fred, reached into his legless pants pocket and grabbed my phone. To my dismay, the idiot had cracked my screen. That made it all the easier to leave him there, armless, legless and yelling. Serves him right.
I walked up and down the aisles trying to get some inclination on where in the department I was, but this place like the rest of the store, was absolutely gargantuan. The dense foliage consisted of trees as thick as Greek pillars, shrubbery with leaves as large as tables, and hypnotically-colored flowers, some of which spray you in the face. I made that mistake trying to pick a purple one that smelled like Listerine mouthwash. A carpet of soft moss blanketed over most of the floor where only every few yards was the tile underneath visible. I’d be lying if I didn’t say, as strange as the plants in here were, something in here put me at ease. It felt as though it were welcoming me to sit. To sleep… to stay.
No, I have to answer that damn phone. I gotta stay focused. I can’t keep wasting time and walking around aimlessly. Maybe leaving Fred behind wasn’t the best idea–
I managed to find a shelf-like structure buried beneath vines, moss, and branches. I took a deep breath and began scaling it as quickly as I could manage. I had to see where exactly I was and pray wherever or whatever the manager was, it didn’t spot me piddling around up here.
I peeked over the top, feeling brave, and then I climbed all the way up. I sat atop the shelf, getting a full view. It was breathtaking. The entire department was a lush rainforest. Overhead, above the canopy, actual clouds formed. I couldn’t help but speak aloud a quiet “Woah.”
Maybe this is why Janis likes loitering on top of shelves. I can’t imagine Home and Decor looks as amazing as this, though.
As I began to be lulled once more by my surroundings, I saw a head peek at me from the shelf on the other side of the aisle from me— a head with thick, auburn spirals and some of the greenest eyes I had ever seen. It seemed they saw me before I saw them, and they were locked on me. They appeared apprehensive of my presence.
“Uh…hi,” I said with a wave.
The top half of the head was thankfully attached to a girl. She pulled herself up to the top of the adjacent shelf. She was pretty, really pretty. She wore a long dark green skirt and from what I could tell, a well-loved Led Zeppelin t-shirt peeking out from over the top lip of her white and green stained apron with a pair of combat boots. She eyed me inquisitively and said… something. I could only gesture to my ears and respond: “I can’t hear you, sorry.” She wrinkled her nose then began digging in her apron pocket and producing a notebook and pen. She scribbled something then proceeded to crumple up the paper into a small ball and throw it across the gap between us. She had a throwing arm to rival Fred’s, and the little ball landed in my lap. I carefully unfolded the slightly damp paper to read the message in flowery handwriting: “are you Max?”
My chest tightened with anxiety. Tell the pretty and mysterious girl my name and break rule one or lie and hope it doesn’t come back to bite me.
I smiled and nodded my head like a dope.
She returned my smile and made the phone gesture with her hand, holding it up to her ear. I nodded and smiled again, mimicking the gesture. Oh thank God she knows where the phone is. I pulled out my own pen and scribbled on the other side of the paper: “what’s your name?” might as well even out the playing field, and tossed it to her. She opened it smiling wider this time, dimples appearing in her cheeks as she wrote her response and tossing the ball back to me. This might be the strangest game of catch I’d ever played.
“Ana Odie” the note said. She wrote another and tossed it to me. It read: “what happened to your ears?”
I answered: “popped ‘em, I gotta answer the page.” I paused for a moment and quickly gestured for the paper back, she tossed it back to me and I added: “your ears aren’t damaged?”
I returned it and she responded by pulling a pair of scuffed-up AirPods out of her pocket with a sly smirk. Ah, good ol’ sound canceling. There was something about her that made that quiet suggestion to stay a while grow in intensity. She began to climb down, gesturing for me to follow, and I did so without missing a beat.
When I reached the bottom, the fog seemed so much thicker, It carried a strange… sweet smell. It only came up to the knee, thankfully, but it was so dense I couldn’t see my feet. A gentle tap on my shoulder caused me to flinch and nearly reach for my box cutter. Ana held up her hands, smirking at me.
“Got ya.”
I still couldn’t hear her voice, so I read her lips instead. I guess my ears are more messed up than I initially thought. I tried to relax and shrugged.
“You got me,” I said.
Ana began digging in her pocket once again but this time producing a fist-sized flower pod. It looked incredibly similar to the Zingiberaceae or The Shampoo Plant, but it was a vibrant electric blue and smelled like licorice root with molasses. She held it up and tilted her head.
“Tilt your head like this. It’ll help your ears.”
I didn’t argue and did as she said. Something about her was just so disarming. I tilted my head and she gently put one hand under my chin. With the other she held the pod above my earl. I heard a faint squish followed by the uncomfortable sensation of syrup being poured into my ear canal. My face contorted in a way that made her she giggled. At least she’s having fun…
What was strange though, her voice sounded like the quiet chirp of a broken bird…
This time when she spoke again, still no sound came from her. Either I was permanently deaf, she was mute or there was something else at play.
Either way I was faced with a new issue now. I couldn’t understand my guide and I’m horrible at lip reading…
“Alright Dopey, now the other one.” She mouthed as though she had no idea there was a huge communication barrier between us.
She took me by my chin, gently tilting my head to the other side. She squeezed the pod once more and it felt even worse going into my ear the second time. I couldn’t help but stare and study her face for any sign of… something. Her eyes met mine again and she beamed. “Better?” She mouthed.
My migraine and the throbbing in my ears were quickly evaporating so the flower juice did something. But I also found myself in the Introvert dilemma.
You go through a drive-through and ask for no pickles. Only to receive them on your sandwich and being too awkward to go back and ask them to fix it for you.
She was nice enough to even try, I don’t want to be a bother I’ll just…deal I guess.
“Y-yeah..thank you.”
She clapped. I heard that. Or I think I did.
“Good–” She said as well as a bunch of other things I couldn’t really make out. She spoke quickly and I was only able to pick up something about flower food. She disappeared into the next aisle and I followed close behind her. I really hope we aren’t taking a detour. I’m running out of time.
Every few steps I’d nearly trip over vines and whatever lay beneath the fog. Every time I did, she glanced at me from over her shoulder.
“Careful.” She’d say.
“Yeah, sorry.” I could hear my voice through the syrup, the viscous nectar making it sound like I was underwater. I tried to keep pace with her as we walked and resist the urge to try digging the now quickly drying flower gunk in my ears.
By then I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I can’t stand awkward silence. And now despite not being able to hear it, I could still feel it. Not to mention on top of being a horrible lip reader, I suck at talking to girls.
“So, how… how long have you been here?” I hoped she wouldn’t notice me staring at her lips to understand what she was saying. I was becoming hyper-aware of what I was looking at which probably made it even worse.
“What do you mean?” She was now staring back at me which made me stare even harder at her. Dammit Max, Blink! Stop being weird!
“In ThetaMart… in Garden.”
“Oh. She began to fidget with her skirt. “ I have no idea how long it’s been. I’m sure you know time works a little funky here.”
“I do, unfortunately.” This is the hardest conversation I’ve ever had. Am I really that out of touch with talking to people? I seriously need to get out more.
Ana continued to talk, completely unfazed by our unspoken staring contest. She didn’t take her eyes off of me once. It was like she was so familiar with this place she didn’t even need to look where she was going. I couldn’t help but wonder what that was like.
To be so sure of anything…
By then I had already missed half her sentence.
“–days or weeks and neither of us would know until our shifts are over.”
“Oh, yeah. But you aren’t even a little concerned that you don’t know how long you’ve been here?”
She gave me a strange look which told me I had almost certainly missed a social cue.
“Well, typically people who want to go home are people who either have someone they miss at home, or their home is better than where they are now. Neither of those apply to me. Plus I’m getting—” Something, something. I missed that part. “And to top it all off, I think I found another reason to like it here.”
I felt her hand brush against mine and nearly leaped out of my skin.
“Y-yeah?” The only thing I could hear now was my heart thumping in my ears.
“Do you have someone you miss Max, someone waiting for you?”
“Me? No, not really. I’m half convinced that if I vanished, my family would be relieved.”
I paused.
“S-sorry that was a little dark.”
Ana traced my knuckles with her pinky finger before wrapping her hand around my own. The wash of pity on her face finally forced me to break and look away.
She gently tugged on my earlobe. I looked at her again, being faced with the deep pools of striking emerald. It was like lightning to the soul.
“No, that’s how you feel. And if that’s the case, they aren’t your family. Your real family.”
I shrugged. I sort of wanted the conversation to end there, I was starting to feel heavy and it was becoming so much harder to decipher what she was saying. But Ana kept going.
“Is that really how you feel, Max?”
Her hands trailed up my arm and leaned her head on my shoulder as we walked. She continued staring up at me never once looking away. Her eyes practically piercing into me. The longer I looked into her eyes the harder it got to keep moving. To keep wanting to move, to blink, to speak.
I couldn’t bring myself to respond anymore. I just nodded, my head bobbing like a bowling ball.
“Then stay here, with me. I’ll make sure you never feel lonely, only loved.”
Wait. waaaait a second– “That’s…a little forward–”
“It’s what you need. You belong here.”
“Uhm, I don’t think either of us are ready for that level of commitment. I-I’m still in college.”
Her grip on me tightened. Ana was a lot stronger than she looked. Uh-oh–
“It’s okay, we’ll learn together. We– Something, something– forever.”
“As sweet as that might sound… I think, several months down the line, I really can’t stay here.”
“But you can, I can make it so… so easy.”
She stopped us and put her hands on my cheeks.
That little voice in my head telling me to stay was much louder now. It wasn’t mine…
Look at me Max. Don’t you want to stay?
I was transfixed. She held me there, in her gaze…I was trapped. Her eyes were pulsing now, different shades of green. Infinite mandalas of spirals coalescing and folding in on themselves like beautiful stained glass mosaics. They were every shade of green imaginable. Being this close to her, she smelled like honeysuckle and hyacinth.
“Stay with me.”
“I…can’t. I don’t want–”
I remembered the soft bed of moss beneath me, chills running up and down my body in waves. I was so tired. I almost wished she would turn me to stone with those eyes, anything if it meant I could rest, Unbothered, forever. My brain re-registering how blissfully peaceful it was here, how easy it would be just to stay. It was such a comfortable idea.
I closed my heavy eyelids as Ana planted a kiss on my lips. Even to acknowledge the sensation of touch was too much energy. It burned and tasted like poison. But I gave in. My only reward was the world around me finally being plunged into an inviting, quiet black.
Consciousness came to me in waves. Strange sensations and sounds piqued my curiosity, but not enough to shake me from my stupor. At least that was the case until I felt a hot stinging on my backside. My eyes shot open. My body ached and my skin was tingling. That can’t be good.
My vision slowly came back into focus, and I realized I was sitting inside of a giant pitcher plant. I was submerged up to the neck in a translucent, green syrupy liquid that was doing God knows what to me. My entire body felt slightly numb but slightly warm. It was like being in an ogre’s mouth. It was gross and I hated it.
“Good morning Sleeping Beauty,” Ana said, sitting on top of one of the pitchers beside me, like the hipster grunge version of Mary Poppins.
I could hear her now! Her voice was clear as a bell but… it sounded slightly distorted as though she were speaking through a walkie-talkie that got dropped in the toilet. My relief gave way to confusion… then annoyance.
“You ever heard the term no means no? And why do you sound like that?”
“Not being able to understand you was getting to be a chore, so I decided to assimilate you.”
“Wait what!? Dude, look. I don’t know what plant yandere hoodoo you used on me, but I literally just want to answer the phone and get out of here. Like, I get you’re probably super lonely in here but I’m not the guy you want. I’ve got more issues than a Stephen King character!”
I heard a snort and a scream-laugh from a bundle of vines below me.
“HA! Yandere hoodoo! Good one!”
Fred. Of course. This mannequin was quickly becoming about as consistent and enjoyable as herpes.
I would’ve jumped if I hadn’t already known Fred was four legs short of a full mannequin and one brain cell short of having any semblance of common sense. Or even a plan.
“Shut up Fred! And don’t worry Max. All of your issues and pain will melt away very soon.”
“That’s what you think. Either way you won’t be happy cleaning me or my issues out of your people-slurping pod when the pager goes off again and my head explodes.”
Ana frowned and floated over to me, a thick vine connected to her lower back, suspending her in the air.
“By the time the pager goes off again, it won’t affect you. After all, plants love sound. It stimulates growth.”
I couldn’t help but think about just how super weird that was*.*
“It’s only weird if you make it weird, Max.”
“No, it’s super duper mega weird.”
Fred chimed in with “it is pretty weird.”
“Woah woah, are you reading my mind!? I get the eating me thing but stay out of my head! That is definitely crossing a boundary! Unplug me from your plant Wi-Fi!”
“I’m not gonna eat you stupid. Why does everyone think– ugh, nevermind. Now shut up and sit tight. Your off brand Barbie owes us an MP3.”
Fred shouted from below “Barbie wishes she had my moxy!”
She shut the lid on my pitcher and floated off. The pitcher itself was see-through like glass with the texture of celery, as strange as that sounds. To make matters worse, it was filling with more of the gross plant juice and that burn at the base of my spine began to build in intensity.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tight as the plant soup cleared the top of my head. My brain began firing off thoughts like bullets from a gun.
Shit, shit, shit. I suck at holding my breath. I can’t hold it forever. Ah God that really hurts. Is this what it felt like before I was born? Ew, don’t think about that. Focus Max, focus. Uhhhh…
I did what no one in my situation should ever do, and opened my eyes again. Opening your eyes in giant carnivorous flower juice should melt your eyeballs on contact but to my surprise, that didn’t happen. I began digging into my apron pocket, pulled out my box cutter and made quick work of the plant flesh. I cut a hatch-sized square and kicked it out of place. I didn’t really think that one through–
The juice spilled out and took me with it. I slipped out of the pitcher, realizing I was many feet off the ground and falling. This must be what it’s like to be a newborn giraffe. I fell about 10 feet before being jerked by the tender spot which I now saw was connected by a glowing vine thing doing probably nothing good. It came free with a sucking noise and keeping some of my skin as a souvenir. The burning increased tenfold, I heard a loud scream in my head and from everywhere around me. I was left plummeting the rest of the way, screaming with whatever I was hearing and holding the space above my asscrack.
Not one of my proudest moments.