I’m not great at statistics and i’m not going to google them right now because i feel i don’t have much time
What are the odds of you hitting traffic at 845am on a tuesday? Pretty dang good if you ask me! In fact i’d say NOT sitting in traffic on the Four-o-five during rush hour would be extraordinary.
Now what are the odds that you are going to look over during stand still traffic and see a beautiful stranger driving in the lane adjacent to yours and they look back and when your eyes lock it’s apparent that you’ve both just experienced love at first sight effectively ushering you both out of your cars and kissing in the middle of the road while everyone claps?
Yeah not so likely buddy.
Nobody really thinks about that stuff anyway. But i do. I have to. I don’t have a choice. Not only do i have traffic to think about, and thinking any possible moment could be ThE Moment i find The One yadyada movie this and moment that, that’s just how every hopeless romantic joe shmoe experiences their reality. Whatever. Where i come in is a couple steps after that. I don’t just think about those kinds of moment, But i think about every possible aspect of how i am viewed at all times. It’s just something i have to do. And you might be thinking “everyone over thinks and everyone’s insecure” And ur probably right. But not me. First of all i’m not insecure, sure there’s parts of my body i wish were maybe more toned and yeah i hate when i see a photo of myself and i’m slouching. But i’m attractive, and above that i’m kind and gentle, and just to add some dazzle i find myself to be hilarious.
No. i mean i think about Everything. I’m obsessed with possibilities. They flood my veins with all their different paths more so than the ones they flow through. I sit and can be paralyzed by my thoughts. at the same time i’m never bored, i always have my mind to be present in. Funny How much i value my mind when it stresses me out at all points in the day….
I should have listened fuck, fuck i should have listened. i’m sorry i’m typing a mile a minute, this is supposed to be quick and while it’s only taken a a couple minutes to bust out these paragraphs i now see there is so much precontext and i should just cut the the point. my apologies i just have this fear i won’t be understood exactly as i need to be so i tend to over explain.
I should have listenwd to my brain it always tells me the what ifs. my life is ruled by what ifs. Half is fanciful and full of optimism and opportunity and confidence. What if today is the day i meet the one (eye roll) What if today i accidentally walk by a wet dog that’s shaking it’s coat and sprays wet dogness onto me while im heading into work and what if that’s the day that my bosses boss comes in to see who might be scouted for higher positions and what if my bosses boss thinks im just some bum. Okay it’s not that bad… But it is scary…
(for more context i’m the kind of person who HATES being afraid and yet is afraid all the time. i mean i close my curtains at night not to stop from people peeking in, but because i’d rather just die than see someone peeking in like if you’re gonna kill me at least do it in my sleep because i just hate being afraid and i will choose ignorance at every turn. Oh you heard a noise? yeah i don’t think that’s anything i need to check out. sounds like an over there problem not an over here problem. I’m a big supporter of the closing your eyes and it’s not there campaign (not in politics just in threatening situations) during fight or flight i am the third less known sibling FREEZE)
Because realistically, im not afraid of doing something gross or embarrassing. Not because im confident i won’t, but because i’ve accepted i probably will and the only way to save face will to take it with grace and humility. People who act embarrassed are embarrassing. Same as people who feel awkward thus become awkward. If you Do something weird and ur like yeah that was me lol my bad, then people won’t be so hard on you. just take it all in stride. I notice those things and i adjust accordingly. I see the way people react to different behavior and i adjust accordingly. I act how i know will let people be comfortable with me. Not because i am a creep, but because i have a fear that people may see me as a creep and if i feel like a creep i will thus act like a creep and come off as creepy. so i don’t. i acted confident and it turned into real confidence. I just want to make this all clear.
Why do i want to make this all clear? BECAUSE I TOLD ME SO. I TOLD ME SO. I TOLD ME SO.
Again, i always think about the odds of something, i always expect the unexpected. And it leads me down some rabbit holes. That i always every night must reroute my brain to more positive thought loops. But fear and confidence are not mutually exclusive. I may know im a catch with a good heart and i promise i’m thoughtful but it doesn’t take away from the way my mind chooses to work. i’m just always aware in case i ever need to be aware. I never sing my music in the car just in case someone is watching me and thinks i’m cringe. I get nervous when i’m driving behind someone for a few too many turns because i think they may think i’m following them….
…But then it turns to…
What if they are following me and they know my route and they are actually driving in front of me so that with each turn i will slowly realize that we are heading to the same place and when they inevitable pull into my drive way and i’m forced to confront them or let them be at my place of living they will put a bag on my head and throw me into their car and do some terrible things to me…. and then the car in front of me takes a left when i take a right and i just blow off that whole thought train until another one starts.
Now that you see what i mean, that when i say i think of everything… of myself… how i’m perceived at any given time…
what are the chances that my overly cautious mind… is right. that all the little thoughts in my head are right. That the mirror in that bathroom IS a one way window. That there IS someone hiding under that pile of laundry. That my reflection from my mirror across from my bed IS watching me while i sleep. That the car driving behind me with only one headlight on is mocking me because one of my headlights is out and they know it and they have been watching me and following me and want me to know that they see me and they they want me to see them seeing me yadayada the process goes on. And i know i KNOW that these feelings aren’t real (irony now i suppose) that i may just be a slightly nervous person and that people don’t actually lay under my floorboards waiting for me to walk over them just to blow air at my feet in hopes i may look down and see them peaking through…. But that doesn’t stop my mind from bringing these possibilities to light
That’s Why i’m here
Because i need to know… I
i should have listened I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. Fuck i should have listened to myself. and i didn’t so here i am asking you what the fuck should i do .
i wish i didn’t. k wish i didn’t see everything and know every inch of my space. i wish i could have just closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. But no. no no no no i had to take a peek. JUST IN CASE because you know… what if n all that Whatnot. I couldn’t have just gone to sleep. i had to do one last sweep of my surroundings before settling in.
So what are the chances do you think?
What’s the likely hood that one of these nights one of the half a dozen cars that drive behind me at night are actually following me? i should have listened fuck. Probably not but it’s possible, it’s happened before, but not very common. What are the chances that no one had been following me because they had already beat me to my house? I’m not sure. What are the odds that they’ve already been in my house long before they beat me to my house? Because what’s the likelihood that they would know which room is mine? And what are the chances that they knew which window had a loose hinge? Maybe pretty good maybe not. see these statistics are not so cut clear like traffic in the morning.
So i have one more very important question and i’m begging you please… What are the chances that i live through the night…. for context…. i’m on my bed and in the reflection.. from the mirror across my bed, There is juuuuust enough light to see there is someone under my bed and they are smiling deliriously… luckily not looking at me just something reflective in their hand…. For a mind that had a million billion thoughts at any given moment i am frozen. I’ve just been typing this with a blank expression hoping not to raise alarm. only one thought left… What are my odds of reaching the door…. for context… i can see someone’s boots peaking out behind my large reading chair and there’s a noise coming from my closet that sounded like hissing at first but now it’ clearly a giggle of sorts. i think they caught on. fuck i should have listened to my brain. Oh you stupid shit shit shit. fuck shit shit fuck…. i just fucking made eye contact with him FUCK I FHINK he’s crawling out now HE HAS BLACK HAIR LIGHT EYES LONG OH MY GOD HES SO LONG OH MY GOG THEYRE NOT EHAY I THEUR SO LONG OH GOD HELO THSRES SO MANY OF RHEM PLEASSS TBEHRD NOT HUMAN CALL FAEOO
update: They’re still here… One is peaking at me from behind my chair. He peaks his head out with an ecstatic smile for just a second like he’s playing the best prank on me and he’s waiting for me to notice. i’d have giggled but the lack of colour in his eyes and having fingers about the same size and shape of asparagus has really distracted me from the punchline
The one under my bed has crawled halfway out and is just on his belly propped up on his elbows staring at me through the reflection in my mirror. i think he’s smiling but the way the light shows on his face i can’t tell exactly what he looks like. But his breathing is jagged and quick like he’s getting excited
i haven’t seen anything from my closet but something moving around in there
and as for me i have been frozen in my bed typing this on my phone for the love of god what do i do. i want to make y’all aware that i may be in all lowercase but that is just because uppercase is too loud and i think they’d be able to hear me. im pretending like i didnt see them but i don’t know how long this will hold up im shaking. i can’t call for help theyll know i see them. so here i am. if anyone could please come here with weapons or or fucking send the damn swat i’m so scared im at 3466 crawford lane please what the fuck am i supposed to do they don’t even breathe like humans :((((