I don’t know where to write this, but I want to share it. And this is a real story, not some cliché story about hell or some twist ending.
My whole life, ever since I was brought into this world, I’ve had piercing, unbearable headaches daily. It felt like my head was splitting open, and all I could do was scream, cry, or bury my face into the bedsheets.
My mother asked many doctors for help or to get a brain scan to know what was causing everything, but every single doctor would pass it off as ADHD or some kind of disorder and refused to offer any kind of help. Years passed with me getting randomly attacked with the screams of hell in my head with no amount of sleep, medications, or meditation helping.
One day when I was 13, my whole family decided to go on a long trip on a cruise to the Bahamas. I absolutely dreaded going in fear of being far from my bed and suffering from the intense headaches, but I had no say in the matter. But on the cruise, everything seemed to be going great. I can’t remember having any pain or discomfort! I was actually enjoying myself.
As soon as we got to the hotel we were staying at, the headaches came back, more than ever before. It was completely unbearable, and every day I begged to stay inside since being outside in the sun made the pain even worse, but I did find that looking up and tilting my head up toward the sun slightly made everything feel better.
(And aside from the pain, there were really big chess pieces right outside the hotel, and I thought they were pretty cool…)
The time finally came, and we got back on the ship to leave. I was bedridden the entire trip back but was able to make it to when we docked. While packing up our belongings and preparing to fly back to our house, I collapsed in the middle of the cabin. I remember I couldn’t control my body. I was convulsing and vomiting on the floor as my family panicked and tried to help me. I was placed on a wheelchair and was rushed out of the ship in front of every single person on the cruise.
After that, everything was black. Not the color black, but just the void - there was absolutely nothing. It felt like my body and consciousness were numb, like I was floating down a non-existent river. I didn’t feel any fear, I didn’t feel any confusion, I almost didn’t feel anything at all. It felt welcoming, like being wrapped in a warm blanket or even hugged. I knew what I was feeling was death, but I didn’t dread it. I embraced it and thought, “This is it, and that’s ok.”
After some time in this state, I felt like I was on the very edge of a cliff, barely balancing between falling or staying on my feet. It really felt like I was literally staring death in the face. I can’t remember anything after that.
I woke up in a hospital bed, surrounded by my family. My mom hugging me, my older brother standing there proud I made it, my older sister at the foot of the bed crying like a baby, as usual. I had to get emergency brain surgery to remove a brain tumor that was in the back part of my brain and pushing up against my brain and veins. Though thankfully it was a benign brain tumor, meaning it won’t come back, but afterward had to constantly get CT scans to make sure it didn’t grow back.
Don’t fear death. I used to, but now I know it’s not painful. Instead, it’s peaceful and comforting.