911 Operator: This is 911. What’s your emergency?
Unknown Caller: Hello… umm… something really bad just happened and we need assistance as soon as possible.
911: Where are you located?
Unknown: Umm… I’m not sure. It’s like out in the sticks. Some random house party.
911: Who’s house are you at?
Unknown: I don’t know her name. But, I do know she’s a Capricorn.
911: She’s a Capricorn? That doesn’t help, sir. Can you ask her for her name or address?
Unknown: That isn’t possible, ma’am.
911: Why not?
Unknown: She was shot. I’m fairly certain she’s dead.
911: Are you currently safe, sir? Do you know who shot her?
Unknown: I’m not safe! I’m hiding in the basement. (Three gun shots sound off. Party guests scream in the background.) But I do know who shot her.
911: I’m going to advise you to find a safer location, sir. Now, who shot… the Capricorn?
Unknown: Oh shit, what IS his name? Fuck. I can’t remember.
911: Can you describe anything else about him that might be helpful to us assessing who the shooter is?
Unknown: I do know one thing about him.
911: What is it?
Unknown: He’s a Virgo.
911: That doesn’t help us, sir. Is there any other way you can describe the shooter aside from his… Sun sign?
Unknown: Well, he once told me he was a Sagittarius rising. But honestly, I see him far more as a Scorpio, y’know? Like, he is way too dark and brooding to be a Sagittarius anything.
911: I don’t know if you’re being serious or not, sir, but this is a life or death situation. You need to give us more facts surrounding your location if you want us to send out our dispatch unit. Now, can you give us any insight as to where ‘in the sticks’ you’re located?
Unknown: It’s like on the outskirts of town. Like, in the woods and shit. It’s like a mile past my friend’s house. She’s the one that drove me here.
911: What’s her name? We can find out where you are if we can look in our database to see where she lives?
Unknown: …
911: Sir?
Unknown: Fuck.
911:You don’t know her name, do you?
Unknown: I know she’s a Leo.
911: Sir, that doesn’t help us.
Unknown: But not like a July one. She’s a full on August Leo. And let me tell you, she is so god damn self-centered. Typical of fire signs, I know. But August Leos, I swear to God, they are the worst. (Two more gun shots sound in the background)
911: Sir, it sounds like you are in a very dire situation. Please give me more information about where you are or who you are with so I can send a police unit over right away.
Unknown: (A door slams in the background.) Oh no.
911: Sir, are you okay?
Unknown: (Whispers) Someone just came into the basement.
911: You need to find a way out of there. Is there any way out of the basement?
Unknown: How the hell should I know? I don’t even know where I am.
911: Please don’t be rude with me, sir. I’m trying to help.
Unknown: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude, geez. What are you? A Pisces?
911: …Yes.
Unknown: (Laughs aloud.) Oh my god! Called that shit.
Unknown Voice #2: Who’s down there?
Unknown: (Whispers again.) Oh shit, oh shit! What the fuck do I do?
911: Remain hidden and silent. Do not confront the person. I repeat do not confront them.
Unknown #2: Show yourself or I’ll start blasting.
Unknown: Oh, my god. I think I know who that is.
911: Do NOT confront them!
Unknown: Relax. It’s not that piece of shit Virgo that shot the Capricorn.
911: I don’t think you realize the magnitude of the situation you are in, sir. Do not confront them.
Unknown #2: I swear to God, I’ll start shooting if you don’t come out of hiding right now.
Unknown: Holy shit! I do know who that is!
911: Don’t do it.
Unknown: Hey, it’s me. Don’t shoot. We know each other.
Unknown #2: I… vaguely recognize you. How do you know me?
Unknown: We met a couple weeks ago. We talked for like two hours at some party out in the sticks.
Unknown #2: If you know me, then what’s my name?
Unknown: …Fuck.
Unknown #2: Name one thing that proves you know even the slightest thing about me.
Unknown: I know you’re a Libra.
Unknown #2: Shit, you remember that?
Unknown: With your moon in Taurus and your ascendant in Aquarius.
Unknown #2: Wow. I’m honestly impressed you remember that much.
Unknown: Of course, man. We had a real connection that night. You’re like a genuine dude!
Unknown #2: That really means a lot to me, man. You don’t know how isolated and alone I’ve felt lately. It’s nice to actually meet a genuine person that cares.
Unknown: No problem, my guy. I’ve been there and I know how it is to feel isolated from your peers.
Unknown #2: It’s so nice to talk to someone who actually gives a shit about me for once. Like, you don’t know how much this means to me. We should honestly hang out some time. Do you like Super Smash? What am I even saying? Of course you do! Everyone does. God, I’m so dumb. So what are some of your hobbies? What are your passions? What makes you, you?
Unknown: What was your name again?