Brittany and I wasted no time in getting together after her release. She had a lot to tell me, which was good, because I had a lot of questions.
I should state for the record that I am a natural skeptic. I’ve lived in Georgia all my life and when you live in the buckle of the Bible Belt, things usually go one of two ways: either you are assimilated into the church and spend your life believing in God and Jesus and all of that, or you become skeptical of the entire idea of organized religion and stay away from it. I’m the latter type.
As it turned out, Brittany was the same way. Born into a staunchly religious family, she was all but dragged to service every Sunday and it didn’t take long before she realized that she didn’t believe in any of it. Summers at Jesus Camp didn’t help, either. While other kids were at real camp, toasting marshmallows and telling scary stories around campfires, Brittany was stuck around people who spoke in tongues and believed they could count on God to cure cancer.
Brittany’s skepticism turned to atheism when she hit puberty and her family wasted no time in making her feel guilty for her blossoming sexuality. As she put it, only this society could be stupid and hypocritical enough to depend on selling stuff with the temptation of sex while making people feel guilty for genuine sexual desire. I couldn’t find fault in her logic. An ad for Subway can have all the boobs you want, but if a woman takes pride in showing off her boobs, she’s a slut, right?
Of course, this all took a backseat to the simple question of what in the hell she meant by had I seen “Him” yet.
“Well, it’s not actually a ‘Him’. It’s not anything we can really understand. How many times have you seen it?”
“Just once.”
“The morning after our first night together?”
I nodded.
“Good. That’s very good.”
“How is it in any way good?”
She explained to me that those who know Him only ever see Him once, as a sort of evaluation on His part. The fact that I’d only seen Him once was proof that He had found me “satisfactory.”
“And if It hadn’t?”
“We wouldn’t be having this discussion right now. But I knew He’d like you. I saw it in you from the first time we met.”
“What is He?!”
I looked into Brittany’s eyes and I could see she was genuinely concerned about how I felt about her. It’s funny. Even with all that was going on, I hated the idea of alienating her. That first night after Jezz’s death, I realized there was a genuine spark between us and I still didn’t want that spark to go out. But I knew she understood me. I wasn’t angry at her. I was scared out of my mind. She gently took my hand and sat down with me on the couch.
“How much do you know about ancient beliefs?”
“Not much beyond what you can read on Wikipedia.”
“Okay. Well, the first thing you should know is even though all religions are bullshit, there actually IS a ‘God’. Nothing like the God that the church tries to push down your throat; imagine a being of both absolute good and absolute evil. What you saw the morning after our first time was Its… approximation of a human form. It can only come into our realm by assuming that form and it can only hold that form for a matter of seconds. Thankfully, a few seconds is all He needs to size people up.”
“Why would He need to size people up?”
“To make sure that they’re worthy of His help.”
“His ‘help?’”
“Yes. He rewards those who believe in Him with favors. Nothing magical or anything, just tiny little things that can help you one way or another. Occasionally He’s willing to do bigger favors but those are extremely rare. Didn’t you wonder how I was able to make it to your room and everything without ever being noticed?”
I had wondered that many times, of course, especially given what we’d done together during her visits.
“You’re saying He made it possible for you to do that?”
“Oh, yes. He takes care of His own.”
This was where the call of the void was at its loudest. Every single practical part of my psyche was telling me that Brittany was crazy and that I should cut her out of my life forever and try to maintain some semblance of normality. None of what she was telling me could possibly be true.
But looking into Brittany’s eyes, I knew that it didn’t matter whether I believed her or not. Brittany had no reason to lie to me and there was nothing in the look was giving me to indicate that she wasn’t telling me the truth. I just wasn’t ready for it. How could I be?
“Okay… let’s just, for one second, say that I believe what you’re telling me. How the hell do you know all of this?”
“I came about it by accident, actually. After I moved out on my own and didn’t have to pretend I cared about Jesus anymore, I started looking up on other religions and I went back as far as I could go and I found stories about Him. The more I read about Him, the more I believed and the more I believed the more He started to help me.”
“That doesn’t make any sense…”
“Of course it does. All ‘gods’ depend on people believing in them to have any power. A god that no one believes in is as empty as an anorexic’s plate.”
“So why did I see Him?”
At this, Brittany smiled.
“Because you may not be ready to accept it just yet, but you DO believe in Him. You’ve seen him, you’ve felt him. You know deep down that it was real and He is offering you that sense of completion that only a few people in the world know. Before now, it was just me but now it’s the two of us. I wanted to share it with you.”
“Share it with me?”
“Yes. Like I said, He offers favors to those who believe in Him. He protects His own.”
“But how…”
“Do you know why the church is so obsessed with controlling sex? It’s because ancient cultures believed that sex was the height of the human experience. When two bodies became one, at the height of orgasm, they believed that THAT was when you were at one with the infinite.”
“So when we had sex…?”
“I was giving you the power. Bringing you into the fold, if you will.”
“So you’re not a nymphomaniac?”
“Oh, no, I certainly am. Have been ever since I was 18. The doctor told me the only way to really live with it was to find someone who could keep up with me and I found that in you. That’s why I wanted to share this with you. I want to share it all with you. You’re the only person I’ve ever thought I could share this with, and I was right. You wouldn’t have seen Him if that wasn’t true.”
Then a question popped into my head. I didn’t want to ask it but I had to.
“He killed Jezz, didn’t He?”
Brittany nodded.
“Yes. It was horrible, but it had to be done.”
I couldn’t speak.
“Baby, please understand… Jezz wasn’t bluffing. He was going to kill you, one way or another. So I did what I knew I had to.”
“You…?”
“I told you. He’s absolute good and absolute evil. I don’t know for sure, but I think He enjoys punishing people like that. He’s never hurt anyone who wouldn’t hurt others. I think He can only do something like that as a punishment.”
“But how…?”
“I asked him. It’s that simple.”
“I… saw it…”
“In a dream, right?”
My eyes shot to hers. I looked anywhere, everywhere for a hint that she was lying to me, but she wasn’t. Her eyes never lied.
“Yes, honey. He did the same to me. Anytime he does that kind of favor for someone he requires you to ‘be there’ with him. It’s sort of contractual stipulation. I’m sorry you had to see what he did, but there was no other way. At least, none that I know of.”
I started to feel faint. Wouldn’t you have felt the same? Taking all of this in was a hell of a task and there’s only so much a person can take in before their brain begins to shut down. I’ve never been good at hiding how I truly feel and Brittany must’ve noticed because she took my head in her hands and gave me a deep, passionate kiss on the lips. I hesitated for a second but then I kissed her right back, just as deeply.
It was with that kiss that the call was answered. Instead of playing it safe and backing away from the edge, I pitched headfirst over it. I let the wheel of the car go. I accepted the dark and dangerous road ahead of me knowing that I wouldn’t have to go down it alone anymore.
Brittany kissed me again and threw her leg over my lap, straddling me. We made love like never before that night, uninhibited and unashamed. We threw away the worries that the world around us had tried to make us carry and gave in to that primal voice that all others had successfully quelled over the course of their lives.
I was ready to accept what Brittany told me and could teach me. I was ready to believe.