Hey y’all,
So I don’t really know what’s going on right now or where I’m REALLY at. Maybe I’m just super super paranoid, but I cannot shake this existential dread off after what just happened to me. Or, really, the reality I guess of what I did and what I got myself into… which I am starting to heavily regret. I just need someone to talk me out of this intrusive thought pattern I’m viciously stuck in now.
[WARNING] So, let me first start this off with the fact that this is a major trigger warning about a suicide attempt. This is heavily based off the fact that I did attempt recently. I won’t go into much detail because I don’t believe it’s necessary. But if this topic is too triggering/sensitive for you, I would advise to probably not bother reading the rest of this post.
Like I just stated, I recently attempted suicide. I was having a bunch of family issues and some pretty intense existential dread. I was not really in the right state of mind because I’ve been doing some substances that probably contributed to this…. For some reason I kept telling myself that this “felt right” to do. Clearly I was having textbook definition delusions, which I was made aware of by the medical professionals who helped save my life. But I will say that I am 100% A-okay in that since. So you don’t need to worry about me doing this again. I promise!!
Let’s start this off here with my parents. So I was arguing with my parents about some things. I felt hopeless. They weren’t willing to help or work with me, and I’ve been suffering with my own demons that I’ve been fighting for years now.
After writing my “final letter” I drove into a rest stop parking lot at about 10PM. And in this rest stop, you are allowed to park overnight and sleep. Bought some pills and cough syrup. I was genuinely serious about this. I really did not want to be here anymore. I told no one, and no one suspected a thing. I put on my favorite music, and well, did the unspeakable. Put two and two together, you know what happened next.
Now, everything from this point on is a blur of course. I blacked out. I vaguely remember waking up for a moment and throwing up on my car seat, then passing out again. What I went through was basically the same thing as going under. It was sort of an instant-type thing where I don’t remember falling asleep, then I just woke up to the ambulance breaking my car window open. Not a pleasant way to be awoken. However, before they took me out I noticed that there was no sign of vomit anywhere in my car? Which was a little weird to me… I was taken inside the ambulance truck and I could not for the life of me understand what anyone was saying to me. The workers were quite rude to me. Maybe my memory is off, but I remember them cursing at me for God knows what reason and just handling me very poorly.
When I got to the ER, I had cuts all over my legs and arms. They gave me a saline bag and flushed out my system. Somehow I was perfectly okay. They didn’t need to pump my stomach or anything. The doctors were talking in this language that I had never heard. I didn’t really think much of it though. But it just felt… different? I mean, I’m sure it was just because of everything that was in my system. But at the same time, they were also speaking English with me. Maybe they just wanted to talk about me to each other privately? I thought it was a little rude in the moment, but I mean whatever it’s not a big deal. They were asking me why I did this to myself. I didn’t really know what to say, but they scolded me for “cutting myself” which I absolutely do not remember doing. I don’t do that. I’ve never harmed myself like that before. I was just as confused as they were.
Eventually, I was transferred to a room where I would be staying in for the next 5 days. I was being watched by nurses at all times. It’s just mandatory protocol for people who do these type of things to themselves. The nurses were pretty nice. I had to use the bathroom about a million times. It really sucked hahah. They gave me some vitamins, fed me well, constantly checking my vitals, you know the deal.
But then, things started to feel a little bit off. This is where everything really takes a turn. I was chatting a lot with all the nurses and doctors that came in to visit me. It was so incredibly boring. I felt like a prisoner. Wasn’t able to use my phone, could only watch TV, and had to leave the door opened when I used the bathroom.
One of the nurses was kinda annoying. She was an older lady but she was pretty sweet. Talked my ear off. But on the second day, she brought her chair over and sat in front of my bed which none of the other nurses did. She continued to talk my ear off about the most random things that I honestly couldn’t care less about. I preferred literally any other nurse besides her. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she asked me, “Do you know where you are?”
Her entire demeanor just flipped. Did a whole 180. Her face was blank. There was absolutely no emotion when she asked me that question. She was staring straight into my eyes. As if she knew something. As if she knew that I knew something? Well, I told her that yes, obviously, I knew where I was. Told her the hospital name and everything. I even told her the city I lived in, my age, birthday, I was just joking a little with her to lighten the mood since it suddenly felt extremely tense. She didn’t crack a smile or anything. Just started at me for a few seconds. But then she smiled at me through her mask.
I suddenly felt this intense sensation of my body beginning to get REALLY hot. And I mean, hot hot. She kept smiling and said “Okay.” Right when she did that, the heat just got even more intense. It felt like my eyebrows were burning off, like when you opened the oven, and my eyes started to get really hot as well and they started watering. I had a tear roll down my cheek and she asked me if I was okay. But she didn’t seem concerned at all. Whatsoever. It’s as if she was… teasing me or something. It almost felt like I was being bullied by this woman.
My throat got extremely dry like sandpaper, and I just swallowed. I was choked up and couldn’t really say anything for a second. Then I mustered out a “yeah I’m fine, how are you?”. My voice cracked. She stared at me again for a few seconds without saying anything. Then she told me “Oh I’m doing swell.” I can’t really explain how, but all I felt was just ‘evil’ emitting from this woman.
Now keep in mind, for the rest of this I still felt like I was on fire and I couldn’t shake it off.
So, a doctor came into the room and she seemed pretty friendly. But the first thing she asked me was also “Do you know where you are?” I was taken back. They hadn’t said anything to each other yet. Then they looked over at each other, and then both of them looked at me, completely synchronized. I again told them the hospital name and everything. The doctor chuckled a little. Then she told me that she’ll be coming in later to get my insurance information, and then she left.
Then, another nurse came into the room. She asked me to stand up and told me that she needed to do my blood work. But the weird thing was her delivery. She told me “I need your blood.” Then laughed a little bit and joked about being a vampire. I don’t exactly know why any medical worker would even do this, especially considering the fact that I wasn’t really in the most sound state of mind. So she pricked me with the needle and not gunna lie, she wasn’t the most careful. It hurt kinda bad and I winced. She giggled and told me that she would come back later with my bloodwork results and she left the room. I decided to not overthink it. I don’t know, maybe she was just trying to lighten my mood? I thought that was a pretty weird way of doing it though.
So the nurse stood up and walked over to the doorway in my room. She started chatting with me a little, she wasn’t being as short. I suddenly heard what I imagine was a dog growling in the hall? I didn’t know that dogs were allowed in hospitals. Especially if they were being aggressive like that. It sounded like it was snarling. She started talking a little more and it seemed like she was trying to cover up the noise of the dog maybe? Asking me questions about what I do for work, just some small talk.
I thought I heard a scream for a split second, but I don’t know maybe it was just my imagination. She was looking at me dead in the eyes and I could tell she was smiling under her mask. Then she walked back over to the chair and sat down.
And right after that, her entire demeanor just flipped back to the way she was prior. The energy of the room went back to normal. I wiped another tear off my cheek and the burning sensation went away. I was shaking at this point. I asked for some water and she gave me a bottle. I talked to myself in my head and calmed myself down pretty fast. I just concluded that there was still some things in my system that were probably making me hallucinate.
The doctor came back in the room and got my insurance information. Then she asked me if I wanted to talk to my parents on the phone. I of course was yearning to since I hadn’t talked to them at all since my incident yesterday. But when I called my mom, her voice sounded a bit off and distorted. I don’t know, it sounded like her but it didn’t at the same time. I talked to my dad as well, telling both of them how sorry I was and how much I missed them. But I just couldn’t get over the fact that they sounded like they were random people trying to sound like them? Again, I just chalked it up to the fact that there was still stuff in my system.
Well to make sure I don’t keep stretching out this story, I’ll try to sum up my discharging process. After I got off the phone with them, everything felt like it was back to normal. Just recovering from what I did to myself.
I had to be admitted to an inpatient facility because I was legally obligated to, so that they could make sure I don’t do this again. At this point, I had no more substances in my system and I just felt better. More stable. I had some withdrawals but it wasn’t too bad. Now, one of the inpatient places called me and told me they found fentanyl in my system? Which is quite strange to me, I didn’t realize that anything I did was laced. But I just shook it off and eventually I went to a behavioral health center.
I’ll spare the details here. Nothing crazy happened. I just got the care I needed and I was discharged after a week. I don’t really want to get into it cuz I had a pretty good experience as a whole.
My parents came to pick me up and took me back home with them. But they just felt a little different to me. Their energies were off. They didn’t feel quite ‘familiar’ if that makes any sense? They were a little short with me, but I just assumed they were upset after everything that happened. They didn’t cry once. And they also didn’t really talk to me about anything. I guess they were just in shock maybe? I don’t know. People handle these things differently I guess. I was back on social media and I was messaging all my friends. I told them what happened, but they were all majorly lagging. I even messaged my friends in a groupchat and they didn’t really say anything. Just one of them told me “I’m glad you’re safe!” and they kept talking about other things with each other. I texted my close friends about what happened. They told me the same things basically. About being concerned but In different wording. They sounded so disingenuous and dry. But they all sent an, “I’m glad you’re safe!” text separately after their first messages to me. Like, what? I don’t really understand. Really weird coincidence. But whatever.
I’ve hung out with two of my friends the last few days since I got back. But they were both short with me. Their energies weren’t right either. Just like my parents. They’re all short with me. Constantly on their phones, they really aren’t acting like themselves. And to be honest, it almost feels like they ARE acting. It’s like they’re trying to be themselves? Everything they say just sounds so scripted?? I don’t really know how to explain it. Even my parent’s DOG doesn’t feel like the dog I knew before. Everybody just feels so unfamiliar and fake. Nobody has been comforting at all since I got back. And honestly, everybody has been so snappy with me. It’s so frustrating trying to recover from the trauma I went through, mainly the weird and unnerving hospital experience…
And not to mention, I’ve been having absolutely horrid nightmares every single night since I got back. They’re all so intense and so messed up, I don’t even want to describe any of them here in detail. It’s just, so dark. Weird entities, people dying, etc. I’ve become a paranoid mess. I always feel like someone is watching me wherever I am. At ALL moments of every day. I don’t catch a break. I wake up frequently from night terrors. I see shadow people in my room watching me. I’ve never experienced anything like this. Every night I wake up from these night terrors, I start to see these shadow people longer and longer. And I start seeing more details in them. And even their eyes… but they vanish once they start walking toward me. It’s absolutely petrifying. I don’t know how much longer I can do this without going insane.
Should I talk to a doctor? There must be some meds that help with this type of stuff, right? I don’t know man. I want to start making some new friends or something. But every time I go out and run errands, I catch people staring at me blankly and then they look away after a second. Everybody just feels so lifeless? Nobody seems happy. Everywhere I go, cashiers are short with me. They’re all aggressive too. Store workers are really rude to me now EVERYWHERE I go. Everybody gives me attitude. Nobody is nice to me anymore. I don’t understand.
I want to make some new friends. But everybody seems to be so agitated whenever I’m in their presence. I just feel so alone right now. Everything is just so off. This planet does NOT feel right. I feel like I don’t belong here. I don’t feel welcome anywhere. And I always feel out of place.
If you want me to be honest, I’ve been thinking a lot, of course. I’m a very spiritual person. I believe in a lot of weird things. But something inside of me, this feeling I have, I can’t shake off the fact that I feel like I’m… actually dead? And that I died and I’m now in purgatory, or hell? Something? I’m scared to even type this out and post it anywhere. I haven’t explained this to anyone because I’m scared of what people will say. I feel like I need to pretend that everything is alright. And I feel like if I slip up, everything will just go south??
But I’m really just posting this on here because I haven’t made any posts like this anywhere else on any of my social media accounts. I just am hoping that there is ANYONE out there that feels the way I do? Like, does anyone else think everything just feels off? Is everyone being short and snappy with you too? I’m just so scared. I really don’t know what’s wrong. I’m trying, but I just feel so alone. Everything feels fake. And I’m slowly going insane. I just need some company, some REAL company. I haven’t had a real, heartfelt conversation with someone in so long.
That’s why I titled this ‘Where Am I?’ because I don’t feel like I’m on the same planet anymore. I feel like I’ve ended up somewhere dark… and I can’t help but feel like my nurse was the damn devil himself?? I was so terrified in that hospital. I’ve never felt so much fear in my life. I’m so paranoid to post this. But I just need to know, is anybody really real out here??