Well I’m here, so I guess that means no sleep tonight. I’ve been scrolling through my Facebook page. I don’t post much on there, but once in a blue moon I take stock of what I’ve posted on my profile. I typically post 2-3 times per year there, mostly to reassure my extended family, high school friends, and others that I’m still alive.
Sometimes I look at the lineage of my profile pictures throughout the years and my statuses. Tonight I did that again. I swiped through my pictures reviewing the likes and comments. It may be vain, but in the sense of the people and relationships I used to have and their strength. I’ve seen my profile pictures multiple times, so that wasn’t the draw.
Until I saw my profile picture that dated May 5, 2021. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was as if I was looking at a total stranger.
I mean I clearly know it’s me. I haven’t gained or lost a significant amount of weight or have undergone any facial surgeries. Yet, it wasn’t me. Or rather, I’m not who I used to be. I can’t recognize that person.
Now when people say that they usually mean that in a positive way. “Who is she?” is typically the thing to say, but I have to run that back. I’m seeing this picture, saying “who is she?” but it’s in an uncanny valley type of way.
I know it’s me, but I know it isn’t.
The girl in that picture had friends. The girl in that picture was working at a fulfilling job. That girl had an exciting situationship. That girl was probably the raw and true version of me.
My mom died in January 2022 and it lead me to the most depraved version of me possible. I found out about her passing in the early afternoon and needed to drive an hour or so north to be with my family. Instead of immediately driving north to be with my family, I drove south to meet up with a coke dealer to begin numbing myself. The spiral would begin from that moment on.
When she passed, I inherited a fully paid off home, multiple vehicles and trailers, and her bank account. My mother was no millionaire, but she had inherited her husbands fortune after his death the previous July. I cashed the check and never turned back. I was consulted, counseled and taught what to do with this money and these assets, but I just buried my head in the sand and started digging my own hole at the same time.
It’s been a year now since her death. While I’ve gone on many trips, own my own home, and still have some money, I blew it. I had a chance to save myself and build something from this tragedy, but I didn’t. It haunts me everyday. I can’t go to sleep at night anymore because I just think of all the responsibilities and tell myself to push them back into my subconscious and pretend they’re not there.
I write this only for myself if I’m being honest, writing helps me process my emotions. By typing this out and making it public, I hope that the support, encouragement and most importantly, scorn will help me overcome all of this and reinvent myself into the person I used to know. Hopefully better than her though.
I envy her.
Please bring her back.
One day.