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Hello everyone
Some of you may have read my previous post, detailing my leukemia diagnosis and its hypotesised cause
I am currently back in my car, my phone drawing charge from the cars battery. As it is unclear whether and when I will able to post again I wanted to let you know what happened. Perhaps you will understand it better than I do.
I am not feeling well- I have a dash of vertigo, with a sprinkling of headache and blurry vision. My hematologist called it hyperviscoscity syndrome; in laymans terms, my white blood counts are so high it clogs up my blood, making it more akin to syrup than water. She said it would kill me within days if left untreated.
I am afraid that I digress- I am sure the minutiae of my medical condition is of little interest to you. Let us return to the matter of my foray into the forest, from which I returned only minutes ago.
I have never considered myself stupid, nor particularly pronw to getting lost. Yet, as I entered the simultaneously familiar and utterly strange forest I had found myself quite incapable of reconciling the satellite images of the forest saved in my phone with the undeniable reality of it; per satellite, the forest was perhaps an acre in total and I would have reached the parking lot of a McDonalds after less than one hours steady pace southwest. Yet I walked for hours, and only found myself delving deeper into what appeared an untamed wilderness, with no sign of a bright yellow M to guide my way.
The Autumn air was crisp and refreshing, and I had found myself admiring the beauty of the ancient oaks and their fall foliage. Even in the twillight it was a splendid sight. As I walked I had spied the old haunts the girl and I had shared; that twisted hollowed out tree we used to climb, the rock we used to stargaze from, the lonely pine inro which we had carved our initials. I had forgotten half of those places, and consigned the remainder to the realm of childish fancy and confabulation. I felt rejuvenated, as if I was not a dying man , but rather the healthy young boy I had been when I last saw those places.
It took me perhaps an hour before I realised that my renewed vigor wasnt just in my mind. I, for the first time in months, felt fine, as if my leukemia was gone. I dont think I had ever understood before that moment how utterly reduced I had been by my illness- it had approached so gradually that I, much like a frog in a slowly heating pot, had never fully grasped its scope until it all went away.
I should have been ecstatic. In part I was, but another part of me shuddered at the sheer impossibility of it. Any lingering doubt I had harbored as to the unnatural nature of my situation had died there and then.
I had kept walking as twillight turned to night. A chill had run through me as I spotted strange lights among the foliage, though the emotion subsided into mild embarassment as I recognized them as ordinary fireflies. When my phone lost battery, I had made do with the moonlight- I had not thought there would be a full moon for weeks yet there it hung in the sky, illuminating my path.
It was as I reached a tiny forest lake that I had seen her. It is odd; at first she had seemed incredibly frightening, an inhuman thing, but it was but moments before I instead saw my old friend. While certainly strange and queer, there was nothing overtly monstrous about her.
She had changed since I saw her last; she was still short, but not as short as in my memories,, and still skinny, but not as skinny as she had been. In short, she was the woman the girl had become. Her smile had not changed, and though the smile held rather too many and too sharp teeth it was still lovely to behold- a beauty, I had thought, best beheld in moonlight.
“Welcome back,” she had said cheerfully as if it had only been yesterday we last spoke “I am so happy you’re finally back” I felt confused- I had wanted to confront her, to demand answers or a cure but my fear and rage dissipated. Instead I only felt happy to see her. We spoke for a great long while, seated on the black sands by the shore of the moonlit lake. I cant recall the exact contents of our conversation save that it was absolutely scintilllating and that she was almost luminescent in the moonlight. She said something about funerals, and about a collection of bones though I cant quite recall the details.
I had made a joke, nothing particularly funny really, and as her silvery laugh rang out over the waters, I felt dazed- she appeared so incredibly beautiful to me then, but somewhere in the back of my head I felt something was off.
“My leukemia,” I had finally forced myself to say “Did you have anything to do with it” She had smiled, mischieviusly though her black eyes had a vague hint of something almost predatory “Maybe a little,” she giggled and twirled her hair. My heart had skipped a beat then- how had I never before realised how charming she was? “But mostly you did it to yourself. It is important to keep ones promises,” She had frowned for a moment then, a rare hint of irritation. In that instant her skin had seemed too tight, too white, but only for that single moment before she was beautiful again.
“It is no matter though- you’re back now and that is what matters” She glanced pensievely at the lake “You’ll stay with me. I have been a maiden for long enough; I am ready to become a mother” In that instant her implicit offer had seemed a dream come true. Yet, something was off; as if the neurons deep in my reptilian hindbrain was screaming out in abject terror. “But I have a life, a girlfriend-“ She had smiled again, though this time it was all teeth. Her black eyes seemed more like holes drilled into her skull than the lovely midnight orbs they had just seconds ago. “Not a lot of it, if you break your promise. And your girlfriend is nothing but a stupid thieving cow, isnt she? You will stay here with me and we will live happily ever after”
I wish I could say I had protested then; perhaps defended my girlfriends honor, or protested the insanity of her proposition. In truth I would have settled for anything but what I actually did do as she leaned in and kissed me.
She smelled like Lupines in spring.
It was almost dawn when she led me to the edge of the woods. It was a compromise- a begrudging concession on her part that I would settle matters with ny family and friends before returning to her. I am not sure she would have agreed, had I not promised to break up with my girlfriend. That seemed to have delighted her to no end.
When we spotted my car, she had taken my hand in hers as she spoke “Touch no iron and do not tarry. Make what goodbyes you feel you have to make and then return forever. You will return before sunrise” I had nodded, eager to finish what dangling threads I had and then return to her. We shared a kiss before I left.
In truth I have more to say, but the sun will rise soon and I do not think I will be here as it does. It is clear to me that she is affecting my mind. She had not counted on my rusty old Volvo- the chrome coating is all but gone, and touching the iron of my car chassis sent a surge of clarity for me.
I can see her watching me from the treeline. She is perfectly still and unblinking.. Whatever strange trick clouded my perception before is gone now and I see her as she truly is. There is nothing even remotely beautiful, or human, about her.
My leukemia is back. As I entered my car that familiar pressure in my head reemerged. I’ve puked all over the steering wheel. There is quite a lot of pinkish blood in the vomit.
I can die here in this car, I think, or I can fulfill my promise and go back to the forest. I am not sure if I’m really healthy in there or if she’s just making me think I am. My key is in the ignition. I could drive away, back into the real world.
She is approaching the car now. I have made my choice, if it was ever mine to make. I dont think you’ll hear from me again.
Dont let your children play alone in the woods. Make sure you meet their friends. And if you find an old rusty blue Volvo in the woods, you can have it. Just dont linger in those woods.