Sometimes i forget what i look like, and i know that people would call this body dysmorphia but its not like that. Sometimes i would just walk into the bathroom and be surprised or shocked of my reflection, even if it’s for a split second. Its almost like this body isn’t mine or that it didn’t belong always to me. Through the years i will admit i had some body issues but the feeling of looking in the mirror and not even recognize who i am can’t be something common. Its as if im playing a role, that i used to play another role at some point even if it was a long time ago. It feels as if im going to randomly wake up from everything and this is all fake. The line between sanity and insanity feels so thin that with one wrong move i might cross to the other side. Yes perhaps i have a wild imagination, i always daydream about various things.
Even since i was a child. I remember details of my thoughts, details about my feelings about topics like this. But I can’t seem to remember when the “switch” happened or what caused it. My parents through the years kept videos of me and my brothers as kids, from our birth till now. My behavior changed, in my opinion, in a short period of time, but my appearance changed as well. I believe that’s when i gained “consciousness” as some might say. Or was it the time I took over this body? In my head i picture myself way different but overall the same. Why would that be the case? I feel trapped. Also a lot of people don’t really like dreaming since various bad things might happen that they have no control over them. But that’s what i love about dreaming, the deference between reality and dreaming its not that noticable. I love the feeling of not control what’s going to happen to me in the dream, i can’t wait to see what might happen next, and i envy the feelings i feel in my dreams, even if they are bad. They just feel so, real something im afraid I can’t feel in real life. How is that even possible? That makes no sense. And i wonder, is it because there is a chance this reality is not the one i belong in?
P.s: i forgot to mention something.I Know it might sound crazy but as a kid i would talk to “my future self” as if that possible. I never thought anything of it since it wasn’t an unusual habit of me to daydream until i became, the age i was supposedly talking to at the time. It was when the quarantine happened so that time my thoughts would run all over and i would make countless of meaningless scenarios in my head. One day i thought what it would be like if i talked to my past self and how interesting that would be. (At this point i had forgotten about my child self doing the exact thing). So i had the exact same idea all over again but from my future self without even realizing. At the end i realized that this exact same conversation i had when i was a child but with who i was in the present. I was so confused because recently i had done a talk with my future self as well. Does that mean we are able to talk to ourselves in different times of our lives? What is stopping as from jumping though time?