It was Jenna, my sister in-law, who told me I’d mourned enough (in a matter of words) and that I deserved to find happiness in the arms of another. I shouldn’t have needed her approval, though it did help. The guilt I felt at finding another man even remotely attractive was unbearable at times. But Jenna was right; two years of honouring Ash’s memory was more than enough.
Ash was my husband of three years. Is it ‘was’? We’re not divorced. Correct terminology aside, Jenna and I are still very much family. Her opinion on the matter meant a lot to me.
Ash was taken from us in an act of violence, a hate crime that also left me close to death. We’d been celebrating the engagement of two dear friends in the city’s gay village, a place we’d always felt safe. My last memory of that moment was how determined I was to drag my wounded body to his. I felt overwhelming weakness but very little pain as my vision became blurred. I managed to rest my head on his chest, his slow beating heart a countdown to unconsciousness. I wish I could say I told him how much he meant to me. The reality is I couldn’t speak.
Two years later, I was a somewhat reclusive 32 year old widower with a large scar on the left side of my face (not to mention the ones elsewhere which I can hide). It took me a long time to step outside again, even to walk five minutes to the local shop for bread and milk.
Jenna encouraged me to join a gym which was very much needed as I was spending most of my time in the flat. A few weeks in, Jenna pointed out an employee as we were on the treadmills.
“He’s been checking you out for weeks now.”
I looked over at him, he was staring in our direction with a smile.
“That guy?” I asked. “He’s clearly a tits man, Jen. That sports bra leaves very little to the imagination.” I laughed playfully.
“Fuck you!” she said as she slapped my arm. “I swear, his eyes are on you wherever you go.”
I felt butterflies in my stomach. “Really?” I looked at him again as he was standing over a client on a bench press. He was very attractive. I went into a semi-trance which was broken as he looked up and raised his hand to say ‘hello’. I felt my face burn as I quickly raised my hand and looked down.
“Real smooth,” laughed Jenna.
“Shut up, I’m out of practice,” I said quietly, looking at my trainers.
The next time I went to the gym Jenna suggested I go alone. In her words ‘He might approach you without your Double-D bitch by your side’. At first I couldn’t see him and felt mild disappointment, but around 20 minutes later there came a “hi there” from behind me.
His name was Ben, a personal trainer. I did my best at making normal human conversation and a bit of flirting, though I was nervous and awkward. Fortunately he saw the funny side, even mentioning he thought it was cute. He confessed that if it hadn’t been for Jenna he would have asked me out already, but he hadn’t noticed the ring on my left hand until then. I felt a split-second of shame as I slowly twirled the white gold band and explained I was very much available for a date.
As I left the gym I looked up to the sky. I’m not religious, neither was Ash, but it feels like the right way to address the deceased.
“I hope you’re okay with this?” I asked, before making my way to the subway.
We met at an Italian restaurant, I was wearing an outfit Jenna helped me shop for. Having opted for comfortable, practical attire since Ash’s passing I no longer knew how to dress to impress. I felt like a million dollars and Ben seemed to agree, complimenting me at every opportunity.
I told him about Ash, our attack, how he was tragically taken from us before his time. Ben was nothing but supportive. I smiled sheepishly as his gaze pierced my soul. When I mentioned my scar and how it somewhat contributed to my lack of confidence, he gently traced it with his index finger. It was the first time I had been touched that way since Ash, it felt like electricity pulsing through my skin.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. I felt myself blush as my eyes glazed over.
Dates became more frequent and nights became less lonely. The first time we were intimate was like my first time all over again. I trembled but Ben put me at ease. He kissed each of my body scars delicately and told me I was perfect.
I rested my head on his chest as he slept in my bed, and my eyes met Ash’s in the form of a photograph. A picture from a trip to Barcelona stood in a frame on the bedside table, Ash’s arms around me high up on Tibidabo. His eyes burned into mine in frozen judgement. I reached over and placed it face down before switching off the lamp, feeling a hint of guilt.
The next morning after Ben left for work I took the frame to the storage cupboard, staring at the photograph. Other than our wedding day it was one of my fondest memories. We both fell in love with Barcelona; the people, the food, the architecture. We visited at least once every year we were together.
“I miss you handsome man,” I said out loud. “And I’ll love you always.” I kissed the cool glass within the frame, then opened the cupboard door. I placed the frame in a box of random things that I had never found a home for. “I promise I’m not going to forget about you.”
Ben and I began to see each other almost every day. We’d spend the night together, mostly at my place as it was closer to the city centre and the places we hung out. Having been celibate for some time I had a passionate fire inside me, and Ben always obliged. His body was crazy, I often felt I had no right being the object of his desire. Ash would occasionally invade my thoughts, though I pushed him aside and pulled Ben closer.
One evening as we laid spooning in bed, I felt lips on the back of my neck slowly move to my ear. Then came a whisper.
“He’s not the one for you.”
I screamed and sat upright, my skin crawling. It sounded just like Ash.
“What the fuck did you just say?” I screamed at Ben. My hands were trembling. He looked shocked, completely unaware of any wrongdoing.
“I said goodnight, babe.” I could hear the hurt and confusion in his voice. I felt instant guilt, I must have imagined it or been on the edge of a dream. Ash was clearly still very much on my mind no matter how hard I tried to shift him. All I could do was apologise and hope that he didn’t think I was crazy. As I began to cry he slowly embraced me, kissing the top of my head.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I understand this must feel strange for you.”
It wasn’t long until I’d fallen asleep, though I woke up with a jolt as I heard a yell.
“Fuck!” Ben shouted. I reached over and switched on the bedside lamp. He was on the bedroom floor holding his arm.
“Are you alright?” I asked. “You fell out of bed?”
He looked pissed. “No, you pushed me!”
“I was asleep, Ben,” I said, a little defensively.
“You pushed me, I felt you do it.”
I covered my mouth with my hand, shocked. “I’m so sorry.” I got out of bed and helped him up. “If I did, it was subconsciously.”
He started to rub his upper arm and looked at me, annoyed. “Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.”
“Is your arm okay?” I gently touched it and he pulled away.
“Might have to go easy at work for a few days but I’ll live.”
I managed to convince him to come back to bed, but I didn’t sleep a wink. I apologised again in the morning and made my excuses for the next couple of days. After the way I behaved I think he was happy with a little space. Something clearly wasn’t right. I had no intention of ending things or anything dramatic like that, but Ash was clearly still on my mind. I needed to make things less Ash-centric, physically and mentally.
I placed an empty box on the floor and packed it with anything that reminded me of him. Pictures, ornaments, DVDs.
It occurred to me that since Ash had died I hadn’t touched our CD collection. Not only because it was painful but because, well, who really listens to CDs these days? I fell down the rabbit hole and started reminiscing about the music that connected us, and it didn’t take long for somewhat happy tears to fall. There were some lovely memories.
As I picked up a small stack to put in the box one of them slipped onto the floorboards. Static by Cults. I took in a deep breath, my hand resting on my chest.
Cults were a band that one of our friends had introduced us to, we’d both fallen in love with their dreamy sound as we fell in love with each other. Always Forever was our first dance as husbands.
I picked up the CD case and walked over to the stereo, which hadn’t been used for years. I inserted the disc and skipped to track three. Music filled the room and my heart.
You and me, always forever…
I was taken back to our wedding day. Tears fell but I couldn’t help but smile.
“I’m supposed to be clearing my head of you,” I said to the room with a sigh, laughing it off.
I closed my eyes. There was the slightest sensation of something brushing against my waist, followed by a crash behind me. I screamed and turned on the spot, my heart beating out of my chest.
The box I had started to fill was overturned, the contents spilled across the floor. I switched off the music and headed towards the front door, grabbing my keys on the way. I had to get out of the flat.
As I took the lift down to the ground floor I took my phone out of my pocket and went to speed dial Ben, but thought better than to bother him with more craziness. Instead, I text Jenna to see if she was free for coffee. We met at the Caffè Nero we frequented after our gym sessions, taking back the lost calories.
“So, how’s it going with Ben?” she asked, drinking a chai latte.
“It’s going great, actually,” I said, Americano in hand. “The best thing about him, he’s not one of those dicks you always expect personal trainers to be.”
She laughed. “But has he got the kind of dick you’d expect a personal trainer to have?”
I almost choked on my coffee. “Jen!”
“What? Just asking the real questions.”
I shook it off. “All I’ll say on the subject is I’m very happy, alright?”
“Good enough for me,” she said with a wink.
I paused for a moment. “Yesterday something weird happened, though. And again today.”
I was hesitant to open the doors on crazy, especially as it involved her deceased brother. But she told me to ‘spit it the fuck out’, and that prompted me to tell her what had happened the night before and earlier that day.
“I hasten to add in all the time that’s passed, I’ve never experienced anything like this. Do you think I’m crazy?”
She gave me a look as if to say she was thinking about it.
“Great. Things just start to improve, and then I imagine my dead husband is haunting me.”
“You’re not crazy,” she said. “It’s probably some kind of internalised guilt. This is the first time you’ve been with someone romantically since Ash was taken from us. That was fucking traumatic! It was bound to affect you in some way.”
I reached out and took her hand.
“Thank you, Jen. I have been thinking about him more lately. I’m trying not to.”
She smiled. “Best case scenario, this is a totally normal behaviour for someone who’s been through what you’ve been through. Worst? Ash is literally haunting you. We both know how jealous he could get.”
I laughed a little, though the thought gave me goosebumps.
“Stop it! But yeah, if anyone was gonna come back to scare away the new love interest it’d be Ash. Rest his soul.”
Jenna left and I hung around for as long as I could before the city made me feel uncomfortable, then I made my way back home.
I crept into my flat like a thief, scanning the rooms for anything unusual. The contents of the box were still scattered over the living room floor. I picked them up and continued to pack away anything that reminded me of Ash, I was finished by sundown
That evening when I sat down for dinner, I realised it was the first time I’d eaten alone in some time. I decided that being with Ben felt right, and I’d just have to work harder at fighting the invading thoughts of Ash. At least the ones that scared me.
I text Ben:
How’s your arm?
Dinner for 1 is no fun! :(
Sorry again for last night, miss you x
As I started the dishes I received a message notification, drying my hands to read it immediately.
it’s ok babe honestly
arm is fine, heat gel did the trick!
got a cheeky maccy ds after work, don’t judge me!
let’s get hot in the kitchen tomorrow ;)
if you’re up for it babe xx
I smiled to myself and replied that I’d love nothing more, thinking how lucky I was to have found someone so understanding.
That night I dreamt about Ash, which I was prepared for. There was nothing unusual about that. Though he wasn’t his usual charming self. He looked serious, his eyes dark. He was aggressively pulling me away from my bed which Ben slept in. Always Forever played quietly in that dreamlike way…
Then I awoke, disorientated. I could still hear the music in my head, but it didn’t take long to realise that music was actually playing inside the flat. I sat up quickly, pulling my knees to my chest. My heart began to beat faster and my breathing became stuttered.
Slowly, I crept out of bed towards the living room. It was dark, but the stereo was lit up. I could see the display bars moving up and down as the music played.
You know you’ve got me in your pocket…
I switched on the light and swiftly moved to the stereo, switching the power off. It did nothing. I fell to my knees and scrambled for the wall socket, pulling out the plug. Nothing changed, the anxiety building within me knew it wouldn’t. I sat with my back against the wall and held my hands over my ears.
“Ash!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, enough to hurt my throat. “Ash! Stop, please!”
I started to cry, I couldn’t deal with what was happening. Eventually I stood up and pushed the stereo off the small cabinet it sat on. It hit the floor with a crash, small pieces broke away and scattered in all directions. The music stopped instantly which took the edge off my panicked state. There came some bangs from the flat below and a muffled “What the fuck are you doing up there?”
I laid on the cold floorboards staring at the plain ceiling. I’m not sure how much time went by, I think I might have even slept for a while, but my nerves began to settle enough to get to my feet and slowly walk to the kitchen. I had to step over parts of the stereo that would most likely have broken the skin if trodden on.
I put the kettle on and made a cup of sweet tea, trying to process everything. My hands were still shaking a little as I slowly brought the cup to my lips, trying not to spill any. Then my eyes fell onto something on the counter and I froze.
The framed picture of Ash and I in Barcelona stood upright, a scrap of paper below it with a handwritten note:
Please leave him, baby
It was Ash’s handwriting. I was done.
I grabbed a few items of clothing from my wardrobe and stuffed them into a gym bag with my phone, wallet, and keys. I put my shoes on without doing up the laces and rushed out of my flat. I’d probably seen too many scary movies to make rational decisions, but taking the stairs seemed like the safer option. Lifts usually broke down in those moments.
I descended as quickly as possible, it was a miracle that I didn’t trip. I didn’t stop until I was out of the main building and could feel the cool night air on my face. Only then did I allow myself to sit down on the dirty street and hyperventilate, a couple of late night passers by avoiding me like the plague.
With my laces tied I walked away from my building and called Ben. He answered after a few rings, sounding groggy.
“Hey you,” he said.
“Are you home?” I asked.
Slight pause. “It’s almost 1, where else would I be?”
“Can I come over?”
“Of course you can, is everything okay?”
“I’ll tell you when I get there, see you soon.”
I hung up without waiting for a response, then headed to the subway to Ben’s neighbourhood. Thank goodness certain lines were running 24 hours. The carriages were mostly empty but I avoided eye contact with the few other passengers.
I reached his flat’s building some 20 minutes later and pressed the buzzer, waiting for entry. Keeping with the paranoid theme I took the stairs, it was four flights and I was pretty drained by the time I got to his door.
Ben was there to greet me and I collapsed into his arms, crying. He held me up in his strong embrace but I heard him wince slightly due to his injury.
“Hey,” he said, stroking the back of my head. “It’s alright. Come inside.”
He made peppermint tea, we sat on his comfortable sofa and I told him about what had been going on. He listened intently and nodded where he was supposed to.
“So, yeah. Apparently Ash doesn’t want me to be with you. I’m completely aware of how fucking crazy this is and I will accept any reaction.”
He took a deep breath. “That’s a lot to take in babe. I can’t even begin to understand how you must be feeling. But whatever’s going on, I want to help you.”
He put his hand on my leg and I covered it with mine, it made me feel warm inside.
“Thank you, that means so much to me.”
As I looked into his kind eyes it suddenly dawned on me. I hadn’t felt this way since those first few months of Ash and I.
“I love you, Ben.”
He beamed, his grip on my leg tightened.
“Fuck, I love you too,” he said, kissing me. We hugged each other tight. “And I meant it when I said I want to help. I know one way that would help you right now.”
I laughed a little. “Sex isn’t the answer to everything, Ben. But I guess it could help.”
He sighed and pulled away slightly, looking me in the eyes. There was a flash of something dark and his smile was unsettling.
“That’s not what I meant, babe.”
Without warning his hands closed around my neck and he pushed his whole body weight on top of me, pinning me down on the sofa. My hands gripped his wrists, trying to free myself but the shock of it had rendered me weak. I stared into his hateful eyes, mine wide with fear and confusion.
“Ben… please…”
He grinned, baring his perfect teeth.
“Please what?” he hissed. “Help you? I am babe. I’ll put you out of your fucking misery.”
I reached up and hit his bad arm as hard as I could, it was pathetic. He groaned a little but just tightened his grip. He was physically bigger and considerably stronger. I couldn’t breathe!
“Don’t fight it babe,” he spat. “I’m doing you a service, putting an end to your fucking delusions!”
I never could have predicted this. Ben had always been such a kind and gentle soul. As I started to lose consciousness an air of calm washed over me. Ash was taken from me by a cruel act of violence, and it seemed I was to share the same fate. There was some kind of fucked up poetry in that.
Memories flashed before me…
How we’d met by chance. We were on opposite sides of the road in a traffic jam, sharing a brief conversation through our car windows. There was clearly a spark, and I spent days thinking about him afterwards. Then we bumped into each other at a bar, spending the rest of the evening together and much of the next morning…
Moving into our flat, making it our home…
Falling in love with the streets of Barcelona…
The first time I could call him my husband…
Then music began to play.
Ben looked up, a look of surprise on his face.
“What the fuck?” he yelled, his grip letting up slightly. Then his hands left my neck completely and he jumped up from the sofa, allowing me to breathe.
There appeared to be no specific source for the music, it just manifested in the room.
You and me, always forever…
I sat up choking, one hand on my neck, slightly disorientated. Then my eyes fell onto Ben, or what I assumed was Ben. But as I focused it looked like someone else. He quickly turned and left the room.
“Wait!” I shouted, my throat sore. I got up and stumbled after him, the music following me down the hallway.
He stood in the kitchen leaning against the counter, his back to me. He wore the same clothes as Ben but the back of his head and general body proportions were different.
“A… Ash?”
He stood upright and slowly turned, facing me. His smile was ever so slight but it lit up his handsome face. I gasped, covering my mouth with a trembling hand as tears streamed.
“Hello my darling,” he said.
I hesitantly stepped closer, expecting it to be a trick of the light. My oxygen deprived brain playing tricks on me. But the closer I got, the more clear he became.
“Is… is it really you?” I reached out and lightly touched the side of his face. He closed his eyes and sighed, reaching up to cover my hand. He nodded.
“It’s me, baby. Well, kind of.”
I broke down and he embraced me. His arms felt like home, it was both calming and overwhelming. I nuzzled into his neck and could smell the subtle scent of Black Orchid, the only fragrance he ever wore. We began to slowly move to our song as it continued to play.
We could stay alone together…
I pulled away and delicately stroked his face with my fingertips, trying to absorb as many details as possible.
“Where’s Ben?” I asked.
“He’s in here,” he said, tapping his chest. “I could explain it but we really don’t have much time.” I nodded.
“There was so much I wanted to tell you,” I said, my eyes filling up again. “That night, when we…”
“Shush,” he said, holding the sides of my head. “I know everything you wanted to say, and it means the world to me.”
He gently traced the scar on my face and smiled. “One thing I’ve got in common with this psychotic cunt; we sure know a beautiful man when we see one.”
I let out a laugh which made me cough a little. Ash lightly touched my neck.
“Baby, he’s gonna pay for that.”
“I’ll call the police,” I said, nodding. He shook his head.
“No, that’s not enough. It’s not the first time he’s done something like this. Not even the second. The others weren’t so lucky.”
I covered my mouth. “Oh God, those poor guys.”
He grabbed my shoulders. “I don’t have long, baby. He’s fighting it. As soon as I let you go, you grab your bag and leave. Do you understand?”
My heartbeat began to increase in speed as I took in a deep breath and nodded.
“I understand. Will I ever see you again?”
He pressed his forehead against mine. “I can’t say for sure. Truthfully, I don’t understand half of this afterlife shit myself.”
I laughed again, followed by more tears. “That’s good enough for me, handsome.”
He leaned in and kissed me, I felt like I was on air. When he pulled away there was a flicker in his eyes, and they changed from light blue to hazel. I gasped. His face all at once became serious.
“Remember, grab your shit and go. Don’t hang around, don’t ever come back here.”
He threw his head back and groaned. It was multilayered, I could hear the unmistakable sound of Ben too.
“Ash!” I screamed, panicking. I felt our brief time together coming to an abrupt end. He looked at me, fighting it. It was the strangest thing, his face would intermittently blur and be replaced by Ben’s. His grip on my shoulders began to hurt, then he let me go.
“Get out of here,” he said, turning to the counter and pulling out a large kitchen knife from a wooden block. I started taking steps back as he held the blade against his neck.
“I miss you,” I said, snivelling. He just stared intently and motioned to the door with his head. I turned to leave the kitchen.
“Baby!” he called after me. I looked over my shoulder.
“You and me,” he smiled.
I smiled back. “Always forever.”
I grabbed my bag and rushed for the front door, hearing a heart stopping scream as I pulled it open. Then I ran into the cool night. It was the first time in years that the potentially evil things within it were the last thing on my mind.