It’s outside my window right now. It’s standing in the street, the spindly body backlit against the warm glow of the street light.
I’m shaking as I type this out. I know it won’t move unless I think of the word but no matter what I do I keep thinking about it. I don’t know if I will live through this post; I’ve tried everything to avoid my thoughts but..I’m just tired now. I hope that maybe if I organize my thoughts in this post I can keep the intrusive thoughts at bay and figure out where this all went wrong.
I just wanted to get over my fear of heights.
Shit. I thought about it again. It’s right outside my front door now. The light this thing produces is insane. My bedroom lights are out right now and yet I’m washed in the glow it produces. The light’s hard to describe. It’s almost blinding yet you can look directly at it. The colors flash so vividly in your sight, you’d swear there was no color.
Anyways, where was I? I had a plane flight coming up to visit my parents. I live in Georgia and they were all the way in California. I probably should’ve just drove over there all things considered but my old Mustang wasn’t making that trip. Plus they offered to pay for my flight. First class even!
I accepted but I never had a good experience with flying. You could tell me its the safest method of travel all you want. Once you step on deck, all that shit goes out your head. All that stands between you and the great expanse is a thin sheet of aluminum.
And the turbulence. Oh God, the turbulence. Strapped to your seat, clutching your arm rests, hardly daring to breath in short gasps. And I gotta do that shit for eight hours? No, I needed a pill or something.
I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor a couple days ago. I had heard on forums that you can ask for a tablet of klonopin to knock you out during the flight. Two pills, that’s all I wanted. One for the flight there and then one for the return. Maybe the doc would understand.
The skeptical eye raise on his face begged to differ. “You know it isn’t healthy to medicate your fears away, right?” I swear he sneered those words out. Fuck that guy, if you’d just given me the pills, I’d be in California now.
“Look Doc, I’m not begging for pills. I’m just scared of heights-
Shit, I said it again. There goes my front door. You wouldn’t think it when you looked at its thin body but this thing is strong. I’m staying upstairs but the splintering sound paints a pretty good picture of what it did to my door. It stopped moving, let’s continue.
“Look Doc, I’m not begging for pills. Just something to put me to sleep for a bit.” I pleaded. But he shook his head disapprovingly.
“In the wake of the opioid epidemic, I can’t just be handing out pills. Especially klonopin. What if you saw a therapist?”
A therapist? Ya boy over here ain’t got the money for a fancy therapist. “My insurance doesn’t cover that!” I retorted, standing up to leave his office.
The doctor shook his hands in font of him, “No, no, no. I know of a therapist that works completely for free! Dr. Nguyen. He’s just set up shop not far from here. Give him a consult, I can grab his number for you. It’d be good for your mental health.”
Stupidly, I snatched up his business card thinking I was lucky or some shit.
Without wasting a second, I pounded in the number. I was taken aback when a young woman responded. “Hello! Welcome to Dr. Ngyuen’s office. It is our privilege to take control of your mental health! My name is Janice, how may I help you?
Her voice was…off. It was too enthusiastic. You ever heard some corporate spokesperson pretend to be happy for a product? It was a lot like that. I was desperate though so I responded.
“Uh yeah my name’s Tyler. My doctor recommended you. I have a plane flight and I have a fear of heights-
God dammit. It just threw my couch against the wall of the living room. The couch was in the way of the door. It’s silent again. I think it’s right beneath me now.
Anyway, basically, I told the receptionist that I wanted an appointment with the therapist.
Her voice lost none of its forced enthusiasm, “Splendid, we can take you right now if you’re able!”
“Now?” I responded, glancing at my watch. It was eight thirty six in the morning.
“Yes, your mental health means so much to us. Taking care of it has no time off!” Her voice rang through my phone.
“Uh..OK. I will go there now. Give me fifteen minutes.” I replied uncertainly.
“WONDERFUL!” Click, the line went dead.
I really should’ve just left it there but the thought of being trapped in an aluminum coffin for ten hours ignited a desperation in me. So I got in my shitty Mustang and drove to the location. It was close by but it was well outside the nice safe city limits. Then the building..of God the building.
You ever had a craving for good BBQ and looked online for spots you never tried before? You plug in the location on your phone and set off. Only to pull up to a barren cinderblock building you’d swear was condemned. This was what I parked my car in front of. Only instead of BBQ way better than it has a right to be, I got mental trauma.
The gray cinderblock single story building (hut was more fitting) stood deserted. A makeshift sign hung haphazardly off the roof over the crooked door. DR. NGUYEN’S. I stepped out of my car and crept to the door praying that it was locked. The door crept open at my lightest touch.
I took a deep breath and stepped in. The plan was to take a quick look, see that it was empty, then get the fuck out. The frigid breath of ari conditioning and ambient music wasn’t part of the plan.
I gawked at the scene before me. Rather than an empty dusty room where I’d lose a kidney, it was furnished with exquisite furniture. Oak chairs lined the waiting room, a hanging chandelier dangled casting a warm glow. Shit, it even had one of those fancy essential oil mist things.
The door slammed shut behind me with an ominous click. The receptionist sat across me. Rather than being busy on a computer of phone, she’d been sitting in her chair staring at the door with a smile plastered on her face.
“Hello!” She cried before I could say anything. She jumped out of her seat and rushed to me, way too close. She was the same lady, Janice, on the phone. Just like her voice, something was off about her face. The smile stretched far across her face. At a distance it seemed fine, but the closer she got, the larger it stretched, almost touching her jaw line.
Her eyes burned into mine. The smile didn’t reach her eyes but that’s not what threw me off. They were empty, almost sunken in. The light that once graced them had long been extinguished.
She grasped my hand with a strength that crippled my hand, shaking vigorously. “Dr. Nguyen will see you now! Your mental health is our top priority!” She stated eagerly with a hunger in her voice.
“Uh, don’t I need to fill out papers or something first?”
“NONSENSE!” She yelped making me jump. She cleared her throat, “Follow me.” She spun on the heel and sped off down the hallway to the office door at the end. I followed tentatively, casting a furtive look back at the door.
Janice didn’t bother to knock instead throwing the door open. She strutted inside and ushered me in. I stepped inside only for her to slam the door behind me. She stayed in the room with me. It’s been nice knowing you left/right kidney, you were a real one. I cast her a confused look but she only waved her hands at me gesturing me to sit down.
A singular wooden chair sat in front of an oak desk. I took my seat studying the man sitting behind the desk. Dr. Nguyen slumped behind the desk, his face buried in his hands. His gray hair sat in a disheveled heap on his aging head. He lifted his face from his hands revealing sallow skin and sunken eyes. I’d heard of a thousand yard stare before but now it was boring right at me behind the desk. I’d thought I was the one who needed therapy.
Before I could say anything, he shot a look at Janice who stood in a corner behind me. The look intrigued me, like he was almost pleading with her about something. What look she shot back at him, I couldn’t see, but it struck a pained look on his face for an instant.
He cleared his face and directed his gaze at me, “Hello young man. I’m Dr. Ngyuen…” He swallowed, “What seems to be troubling you today?”
Besides this shady ass place? “Well, my name’s Tyler…I’m not sure where to begin or where this all started..”
Janice piped up from the corner, “We should really get to the meat of the matter. What fears are giving you so much fun- I mean - frustrating pain?” She couldn’t conceal the lust in her voice.
The doctor slid his aze from her then slowly back to me. He rolled his hand in the air at me to respond. “Well, I guess it would be a fear of heights.”
Here we go again. I think it crossed its way through the living room. The bottom stair is creaky. I didn’t hear it croak yet so I think it’s still downstairs. Let’s continue.
I continued on with my spiel to the doctor, “I have a plane ride to visit my parents, and I just really don’t like flights,,,hey, you OK doc?”
His eyes watered with tears. He wiped them away with his hand and shot that same pleading look to Janice. “Please, please…he’s just a kid…he has a family.” He begged in a thick voice.
Fear clutched my spine in its frozen grip. A glow flared in intensity behind me. My heart nearly stopped as I turned my head to look at Janice, or rather what was left of her.
Her eyes truly were empty now, only a couple of blank holes on her skin. Her face crumpled like tissue paper. The skin on her body melted off and plopped to the floor in a leathery pile on the carpet. Despair strangled my throat as my eyes stared in disbelief.
A coil of glowing strands stood where Janice once had, wrapped on itself like intestines. A moist squelching grated at my ears as it unfurled. The light pulsated in a variety of colors. It rose higher and higher until its head grazed the ceiling looking down at me.
My mind refused to believe. How do I describe this. Think of a stick figure. A simple stick figure you drew as a kid. It’s body and limbs were a single thin strand. Like I could wrap my hands around it thin. I don’t know what it was made of but the closest I can think of right now is you ever see neurons and synapses in those documentaries about the brain? Links of chained nerve strands connected with a cell? Thats the only way I can describe this thing.
The head stretched much too long for its body. The neck curved outward like those long necked dinosaurs you see in the films. The “head” consisted of a glowing misshapen orb.
I jumped out of my chair, throwing it clattering to the ground. Words failed me, beyond my crippling sense of fear, I was almost hypnotized by the epileptic lightshow before me. It unfolded its horrific arms, the fingers also too long for its body, a tapestry of interwoven threads trailing on the ground each capped with their own orb.
I jolted my body out of its stupor and bolted for the door. “There’s no escaping it Tyler” The doctor stated in a weary voice. It sidestepped in font of the only exit, trapping me. Breathing like a trapped beast, I backed into the opposite corner.
The doctor cradled his head in his hands. He spoke to me in a pained voice as the creature sidled up menacingly to the corner, “All you can do is endure it. It will cast you into your worst nightmare the moment you let the intrusive word into your mind. I urge you to never think it. The more you do, the more of the nightmare you will suffer through and the more powerful this creature becomes.”
I flattened my back to the wall as it stretched its gangly fingers towards me. I froze, transfixed at the glowing orbs tentatively grazing my arms. The orbs burned my skin like when you touch a lit lightbulb. I gasped out in pain, attempting to break free. In a flash, the ands lashed their way around my torso, searing burns all across me.
It lifted me up as easily as you would pick up a doll. I kicked my legs uselessly as the doctor continued almost shouting at me now, “It will never tire, it can’t be hurt. I beg you, never think of the word heights!”
The stairs creaked, it’s in the stairwell now. I only heard a couple thumps so I think it’s halfway up the stairs. I just want this over with.
The creature edged my face closer to its intensely lit head. I tried to look away but a finger easily turned my head to its own. I slammed my eyelids shut. Burning pain inched its way across my face to each of my eyelids. My lids seared in agony until I couldn’t take it any longer. Tears streaming, I opened my eyes to a tempest of light.
Suddenly, a ringing filled my ears and I lost all feeling to a numb blanket encompassing my body. Everything went dark as I went limp in its grasp.
The next thing I remember was the chill of rushing wind blowing over me. I shivered and opened my eyes. My heart nearly stopped as my worst fear came to light.
I hung suspended by my arms miles above the ground. So high up that the curvature of the Earth itself arced around me. The tips of gaping mountains capped with snow stood level with me. The sky, instead of the usual periwinkle, blanketed me in a sea of royal blue.
I screamed, my despair almost cut off by the frigid roar of the wind. The burning in my hands halted my scream in its tracks. I twitched my gaze upwards. My hands were gripping a fleshy bar suspended in the sky. The bar pulsated in a familiar glow in my palms. I traced the thread of flesh to its source and screamed again.
I hung off of the creatures finger. It’s gigantic frame sat upon a mountaintop in a leisurely manner. The shining orb observed me. Though there was no facial features, its glee radiated palpably.
My grip already started to slip, the heat of its finger moistened my palms with sweat. Fear paralyzed my mind into shattered pieces unable to form a thought. I desperately tightened my grip but the strain burned its way down my forearms.
Trembling, I pulled my body up in an attempt to rest my body on the cruel thread. The moment I pulled, it shook its finger ever so slightly. One of my palms slipped off leaving me dangling by a single slipping palm.
Sobbing, I tried, oh God I tried to grip on with my other hand. My fingertips barely grazed the thread but missed. Like a body hung on a noose, my own fell causing the grip on my remaining palm to slip.
For a split second, I hung suspended in the air. It was as if my mind’s refusal to comprehend my situation had stopped time. My heart beat. I fell.
The roar of the wind filled my ears drowning out my screams. My body whipped in the air as if in a rip tide flipping me around so that I could see the rapidly approaching ground. No water or grass features awaited me, only a baked desert plain filled my sight. I clutched my eyes shut, tensing my body for impact…
I awoke gasping in my bed. I sat up, my chest heaving in and out, sweat pouring off my brow. I glanced down at my trembling fingertips trying to remember what had happened. I have no idea how I got back to my room. I was still in the clothes I’d been wearing at the therapists.
The therapist…Like a branding iron, my mind burned in pain from the memories rushing into me all at once. I jumped out of bed looking about in a crazed manner expecting that horrid creature to pop out any minute.
However, nothing else stood in my room. Just me. I dug into my pocket and pried out the crumpled business card. I jammed my fingers at the button trying to organize my frazzled thoughts. All I wanted was to get over my fear of heights.
It’s made its way up the stair completely now. I can see the glow emitting across the hallway. But I’m done with this. I know it’s gonna skin and wear me but I welcome it at this point.
Oh yeah, I’d also thought that trigger word when I dialed the phone. The moment I thought it, my body went completely numb again as everything went black…
This time I awakened on my back. My back burned all over. I sat up shivering in the horribly familiar wind chill. I nearly fell off my precarious perch. I had been laying on the palm of its hand the entire time!
I towered just as large over me but this time we stood over an ocean that stretched as far as my eye could gaze. I begged for it to stop, to just let me go. But that face offered no mercy.
Suddenly, it effortlessly tossed my body into the air. I flailed helplessly in the wind as I rose and fell. It made no effort to catch me. By some miracle, my hands gripped onto one of its fingers. My shoulders nearly ripped out of their sockets but I caught myself.
My relief evaporated immediately as it tossed me again. I turned in the air from the momentum of its throw, my vision switching between its glowing hand and the endless dark mirror of the ocean’s surface. I flung my arms out to catch myself again.
And I missed. The wind screamed in my ears yet again as I plummeted to the surface of the ocean. This descent hit worse than the last, I had no way of knowing how high up I was, the ocean swallowed my vision. I closed my eyes again…
I woke up drenched in sweat on my bedroom floor. Weakly, I sat up shaking all over. This time, the memories of what had happened lay fresh in my mind. Tears streamed down my face as I dialed the doctor’s number in my phone. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. This chant became my new mantra.
The doctor answered on the first ring, “I’m sorry Tyler.” his tired voice crackled.
My words tumbled out in incoherent sobs, “I’ll do anything, please, just please make this stop!”
The phone crackled in static punctuated by sniffs from the doctor, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing that can be done. The only thing you can do is to just try to live your life the best you can without thinking of the word.” Click.
I dropped my phone, letting it clatter on the floor. Live my life? How? The word could slip from my sub conscious at any moment. Already, it hovered just in sights of my psyche, taunting me. I clasped hands to my mouth as if that would stop the thought from forming… If only I could be so lucky.
And so it went. Each time the thought bubbled up in my mind, I was transported to a different nightmare, each more real than the last. Sometimes it threw me, sometimes it dropped me, one time it even dropped me into the bottom of the Marianas trench. You’d think the water would slow my descent but no, apparently this thing can make water the consistency of air. The added thalassophobia really spices things up.
The doctor never answered my calls again. I tried to follow his advice, I tried living my life but each experience smoldered in my mind move vivid than real life. How could you not think of the word?
Of course, my dreams were no different. They were the same dreams I’d had before this nightmare started. I think you all have had one of these before where you’re falling from dizzying heights-
Fuck! It’s right outside my room now. The long tendrils of its hand gripped around my door frame.
There’s not much time left.
Anyways, you’re falling and you swear you’re gonna hit the ground only to wake up. And that’s when I got my idea on how to escape this curse. Each time this thing put me in the nightmare, I always closed my eyes right before I hit the ground. What if I let myself hit the ground? What if I faced my fears?
At this point, I’d try anything. Sure, I’d seen it all, I shouted the word in my mind. Sure enough, my mind blacked out.
I hadn’t seen everything. It had sensed my plan out and saved the worst for last. When I opened my eyes, confusion hit me at first. Darkness surrounded me.
Relief almost washed over me when the blinding flash rushed into view. It was holding by the scruff of my shirt between two of its fingers. It turned my suspended body in mid air to face my new nightmare I didn’t even know I possessed. Astrophobia, the fear of space.
Before me lay the tiny blue sphere of Earth. Even though this was the highest it had ever brought me, the fear of heights didn’t crush me but rather something else. Seeing how small the planet was compared to the vast void of space nearly suffocated me with how insignificant everything was. All of my memories, experiences, everyone I knew…we were all just specks of dust in the wind.
As if sensing the hope flee my body, it dropped me sending me hurtling back to the Earth. The tiny sphere rapidly exploded larger into view as I fell. Heat scorched every inch of my body as I entered the atmosphere. Of course, my body didn’t burn; the creature wouldn’t let me die. Of course, I still experienced every bit of pain; it wouldn’t let have it any other way.
My view transformed from the glowing red of re-entry to the familiar dark blue of the sky. It had dropped me in the vicinity of a city, roads sprawling all across my view. Was this my city? Did it really matter? The realization slammed me like a truck. It did matter! I mattered! I knew the answer, Id face my fears and spit right in entropy’s face!
I pried my eyes open taunting the approaching ground. This time would be different. I was fucking done with this thing. I smiled as the ground careened with my face.
Suddenly I was back in my room. Did it work? Like an archaeologist dusting off bones, I unearthed the cursed word from my mind bracing for the new nightmare. Heights. Nothing happened, I still stood in my room.
Hardly daring to believe it, I uttered the word again. Heights. Nothing. Over and over again, I chanted it. Heights, heights, heights! Nothing, nothing, nothing!
Elation coursed my very veins in a surging warmth. I’d done it! I’d broken the curse! Beaming, I texted the doctor knowing he probably wouldn’t answer my call. I did it! I broke the curse! I faced my fears!
I’d barely pocketed my phone when it started ringing immediately. Whipping it out, Dr. Nguyen’s number presented on the screen. Happily, I answered the phone, “Yyyelllo!”
His voice cracked in anguish, “You did WHAT!?”
The elation flowing out like a punctured balloon I responded, “I-I faced my fears. But, but don’t worry! I can think of the word now! I’m cured right?….right?”
The doctor released a long exhale and explained, “I told you to try to live your life and that there’s no escape. All you did was spit in it’s face. You took away it’s game and now it’s furious. It’s done playing. It’s done with you.”
Horror washed over me like ice water, I barely formed words, “Wh-what’s gonna happen now?” The doctor’s silence stretched out in agonizing seconds.
“I’m so sorry Tyler, you will be disposed of and it will move on to the next victim. The same rules apply, it will only move to you when you think of the word. Only this time, no nightmares, only the end awaits you. There’s no escape or fighting it. Believe me, all of my other patients have tried, all of them were skinned.” Unable to take any more, I hung up the phone.
And now here we are, back in my bedroom only the end awaits. Of course, when I’d repeated the curse word over and over again a bit ago, the creature moved in tandem with each utterance.
Now I’m trapped, pinned against the corner of my bedroom. Its wrath burns me nearly as much as its body does. It stands coiled like a spring, ready to devour me upon the next utterance. I guess I lived through this post. I wonder what my last thoughts will be? I want to think of something profound but those lights are so tantalizing..
UPDATE: Just wanted to let you know, that I’m completely fine! I went to Dr. Ngyuen and he fixed all of my problems immediately. Taking care of your mental health is so important and easy! I mean why else would online influencers spout the same phrase over and over without addressing difficulties? Because it’s easy! Dr. Nguyen’s is coming to a place near you! WONDERFUL!