“You see, Ethan”, I told my son patiently, “I understand completely. And so does Grandaddy. That’s why we’re both here for you, always.”
I gestured over to my father then, who offered a grunt in the affirmative and went back to watching his sports. He always had liked his sports, but was also always there for me when I needed him. Just like I would be for Ethan.
Just like Ethan, I had lost my own mother not long after I turned four. It wasn’t something you just forget - and I admitted as much to him - but I’d had my father and grandfather there to help me, and now he had his.
Ethan nodded, but still looked sullen. He barely looked at me, instead looking behind me to the sports my father was watching. Ethan didn’t even like sports
“Look,” I started gently, “I’ll tell you about when I was growing up, okay?”
He perked up now and came closer, sitting on the couch beside me and snuggling into my chest. Already I felt better, and more sure than ever that I’d done the right thing. My boy was safe, with me and his Grandaddy.
“When I was four, I lost my mother too,” I began, but was quickly interrupted by my beautiful son.
“I didn’t LOSE my mummy, Daddy. She’s in the garden, right where YOU left her.”
The emphasis on “you” stung a little, but he was only little. I knew he’d understand one day.
“Well yes, but I had to put her there, didn’t I, Ethan? For you.” My son didn’t say anything now, but I could feel him gently nodding as he tucked himself further into my arms.
“Good boy. When I was four, your Grandaddy took my mummy and put her in the garden forever too. And I’m just great now, aren’t I? The best daddy to the best boy “ I laughed, tickling my son who giggled and squirmed. “But when I was little, like you, I was confused and maybe even a little bit scared. For what felt like ages and ages and ages.”
Ethan turned his head to look at me, eyes curious with disbelief. “Daddy doesn’t get scared, though.”
“Not anymore,” I agreed, “Not now mummy is gone.”
“But why?” My son asked, voice high pitched and weak.
“Well, it’s hard to explain, son. Like I said, I was confused for a long, long time. Me and Grandaddy, we stayed best of best friends, but I did miss my mummy a little bit sometimes. But when I was 17, I met YOUR mummy, and things changed for me.”
“That’s when you moved away and made Grandaddy sad?”
I nodded. “We were in love, me and your mummy. But she made me think Grandaddy was bad, that he was scary even. How silly could that be?! The Grandaddy who teaches you counting and bakes cookies with you every Saturday. He isn’t scary at all!”
Ethan smiled and nodded, clapping a little at what I assumed was the thought of Saturday cookies.
“But love is like a magic spell, and I was captured. So we moved away, and you started growing in mummy’s tummy. When you were ready you came into the world, and oh, son, you were the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen right from day one.” I teared up a little, remembering the first time I held my beautiful boy.
“Now mummy, she loved you too, I know she did. But I started to sense things were wrong. Slowly at first, but then after you turned 3 there was more and more and MORE.” I said a little more loudly, giving Ethan a firm look to show how serious I was being. He put his finger on his lips to show he was being quiet and listening hard.
“I told mummy I felt wrong, that we needed to move back here. She didn’t want to, not really, but we came and moved right next door to Grandaddy’s house so that you could get to know him. And I had missed my daddy too.”
“And then we started Cookie Day!” Ethan yelled, giggling, before quickly putting his finger back on his lips
I ruffled his hair and smiled. “And then, today, I understood what Grandaddy told me all those years ago. The same thing I’m telling you now. About why my mummy and your mummy both have to be gone away forever.”
“Yes Daddy?”
“It’s simple, son. It’s like an instinct, you know about instincts, right?” I asked, receiving enthusiastic nodding in return.
“Like how kitties know they eat fishies and hate doggies!”
“Pretty much, yeah, that’s right. So when you’re all grown up and big and in love, and you have a little boy of your own… What do you have to do?”
“Put the mummy in the ground for ever and ever, and live with the new baby boy and you!” Ethan said in a sing-song voice. “But why can’t I tell anybody, not even the mummy?” He asked again, voice a little more whiny this time.
I gave him my best smile, and the biggest daddy hug of all.
“You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Seemingly satisfied, Ethan squeezed me back and then ran off to talk nonsense with my father.
Daddy had been right, after all. Ethan was the most perfect little boy, and I understood now. When Clara told me that she was pregnant again, it all clicked into place. It had to be me, and my boy. My father, and his boy. And so on, forever. There wasn’t enough room for Clara anymore, and so she and the new baby would have to go away.
I understand now, father. And Ethan will too.